Finding Myself - The Journey, 2

July 6, 2010

All-or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking, also called black-or-white thinking is something ACA have in common. I have it BIG TIME. I never realized I was a black-or-white thinker until I discovered ACA. It was like the sky opened up and everything became clear--again. Perfectionism and control go hand-in-hand with all-or-nothing thinking. Our options melt away and we become fixated and all-or-nothing thinking takes over our thinking process. We are good or bad, right or wrong, all wonderful or all horrible.

With all-or-nothing thinking we don't stop to think about our actions; we push forward with a sense of fear. We react. All-or-nothing thinking happens internally (thoughts) AND externally (verbally). For me, the majority of my all-or-nothing thinking happens inside of my head. It's the nagging voice that constantly tells me, "you're not good enough." It doesn't matter what "it" is, I'm not good enough. When I receive constructive criticism at work, my thoughts go straight to "I suck; I should be fired." All-or-nothing thinking is absolute. Through ACA I learned that this type of thinking is common in unhealthy homes where opinions or thoughts were attacked by the family with sweeping statements. Knowing this helps, but it doesn't stop the all-or-nothing thinking. It doesn't stop the hypercritical thinking of oneself. It's hard to ask for help.

This all-or-nothing thinking has come up twice for me in the last couple of weeks, in significant ways. The first was when I received notice of a position opening in another organization of which I am familiar and very much respect. It was a position I knew I could do well in, and it paid much more than I'm currently making at my full time job. However, after having been working for the same organization for 15+ years, completing that application was purely terrifying. Why? Because in my head, once I submitted the application, that meant I got the job, had to leave all of my friends, learn new skills, be the new person, make new friends, and basically start my life over. That's an example of all-or-nothing thinking. Application = job. Coupled with this way of thinking, is that of the four jobs I've held in my life, I *did* receive the job after completing the application. Notwithstanding with black-or-white thinking, there is no middle. And if I do not consciously think about things, the all-or-nothing thinking takes over, paralyzing me with fear. Application does not equal job. It might not even equal an interview. And from there alone, the all-or-nothing thinking becomes more difficult to control becuase WHY haven't they called? Why aren't I getting an interview? Why...? I know why... because I am not good enough... it all boils down to that one sentence. The bane of my existence. I am not good enough.

Logically I realize this isn't true. But logic and my feelings do not go hand-in-hand in my world. I know that this way of thinking is dysfunctional. I know I should be a thoughtful actor in my life, as opposed to a reactor. However, the voice in my head, that Negative Nelly is always there, whispering, "you're not good enough, Keri"... "something is wrong with you." I've been told that I'm too critical of myself, but what does that mean? Many ACA live in our heads--a lot, and have since children. The all-or-nothing thoughts are so familiar to us that they seem like facts.

The second all-or-nothing moment came last week during a meeting with my supervisor when I was already at a heightened stress level. Since it's still an "ongoing issue" I will refrain from discussing at this time. But you know what? This time it will have a very different outcome than what he is expecting.