Finding Myself, part 3
The ACA "red book" says that as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, we have great difficulty accepting love. This isn't a shaming statement or a prediction of doom. As children and teens we were not given a true or consistent example of love. So how can we recognize it as adults? I struggle with this a lot, and to be clear, I'm referring to ALL types of love. I constantly wonder why people would bother to love me. What's lovable about ME? I can easily and very quickly name 100 things that are wrong with me. But can I name even half that number of things I not only like, but LOVE about myself. I doubt it.
The "love" I learned from my parents was really codependency. Codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the co-dependent or Adult Child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth. Wow. This completely describes me! I'd much rather focus on other people, help them with their problems, listen to their stories than work on myself. The book further says, "A codependent focuses on other and their problems to such an extent that the codependent's life is often adversely affected. In addition to emotional suffering, codependents can suffer from serious or chronic physical illnesses" (i.e. stomach problems, severe headaches, insomnia). I often have migraines and I could sleep all day long if I didn't feel guilty for not doing anything!
By attending ACA meetings "we realize we could not have reacted another way given our dysfunctional upbringing. As children we focused on the odd or neglectful nature of our parent's behavior. We mistakenly thought we caused their moods or attitudes or could do something to change circumstances." (pg 7)
I remember *that* clearly. As I've said before, I didn't know my father was an alcoholic until I was in college. He didn't slur his words or stumble around the house drunk like you see in the movies. Regardless, I was afraid of him yelling at me for anything. I was always extra quiet when he was home. If I walked into the house after an exciting day with my friends and I forgot to come into the house quietly, I was greeted with, "Here comes 'big mouth,' there won't be peace around HERE anymore!" As a child of an alcoholic I took responsibility for my father's feelings and poor behavior. If only I wasn't so loud... If only I stayed outside longer... If only I came home earlier... If only I was a better daughter... If only...
By living this way (as many ACA do) I developed a dependent false self that constantly sought outward affection, recognition, and praise, but secretly believed I didn't deserve it. Unfortunately not much has changed for me in this regard. I'm working on it, but I am finding it difficult. When you're called names throughout your childhood, by a parent no less, how do you let that go? When you're told something enough, you believe it... The answer is to replace those hurtful words from a sick man with positive words. Sadly, that's more difficult than I thought it would be. For 40 years I've had Negative Nelly in my head and she's quite comfortable; she's familiar with the territory.
The book also says that, "Many adult children arrive at their adult years with an over-developed sense of responsibility, which they communicate as love or nurturing care. This behavior is a disguise to get the love we never received as children. Before recovery, many adult children had relationships in which they thought they were in love with another person. In reality, they were trapping or manipulating that person to extract affection. This behavior creates the response we fear the most -- abandonment." (pg 7)
On Friday night my friends and I were discussing a male friend I've been talking to, and one of them said something like, "[He] adores you! And it's not that he just wants to sleep with you because if it was, he wouldn't still be around. You need to accept that he adores you and let him. Stop trying to control the situation by denying that he adores you. Unless you let go, become vulnerable to getting hurt, be vulnerable to [him], you won't know what it feels like to be adored. You are closing yourself off to a wonderful experience." Intellectually I know she is right, but it was confirmed on a deeper level--my soul knew she was right--because tears filled my eyes.
I can't lose control.
I can't let go.
I don't know how to let go.
I'm afraid to let go.
What's going to happen if I let go?
What if I fall...
What if I fail...
What if I never recover...
My world is filled with "what if's..."
Intellectually I know that I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment. I know I will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings. I know that this illusion of being in control is not effective. And yes, I am aware that this stems from what I received as a child from living with a sick father who was not there for me emotionally. I KNOW these things. But knowing and FEELING are not the same thing. How do I let go? I hear people say, "Let go and let God," but I don't know HOW to do that. I believe in God. I believe in a loving God. I pray. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes, just learning opportunities. BUT... how do you turn your will and your life over to the care of God? *That* is my question for you.
(As stated, some portions of this blog were borrowed from the Adult Children of Alcoholics "red book")
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The Rules, part 4
Rule #19: Don't open up too fast.
"Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, beinging up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem--all in an attempt to bind with this new man."
Again the authors assume every woman reading this book has been in therapy, that therapy "conditions" women, and that all women read self-help books. Wow. Really?
The authors say that at the end of the first date, he should know your name, profession, how many siblings you have, where you went to college, where you grew up, and your favorite restaurant. The next sentence reads, "Don't reprimand him for picking you up thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and explain that "abandonment" is one of your issues in therapy."
WHAT?! OK first, he shows up THIRTY MINUTES LATE and you STILL go out with him? There should be a rule about THAT! Where's *that* rule in the book?! Second, WHO in their right mind then tells her date that she felt *abandoned* by his extreme tardiness? Seriously?!!
They go on to write, "No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you." Later when things get serious you're supposed to tell him casually and slowly. "Don't be burdensome," they add. "Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, "No. I never drink. I hot a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA." Just say, "No, thanks," and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him..."
Seriously? If you're a recovering alcoholic and are in AA, why not tell him you don't drink? What if he gets the bottle of wine regardless? Come on, people. So you're going to NOT say something in case what, he runs away? I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink and it has never been an issue. If he asks to meet me for a drink, I will, and I'll order a Mountain Dew or a Shirley Temple. No problem. I don't drink coffee either, but if I'm asked on a coffee date, do I grand stand and say I don't drink coffee? No. Order something else for crying out loud.
The authors do say that you shouldn't hide or lie about bad things in your life, and they add, by the time you are engaged, he should know allthat really matters about you and your family and your past. "It is morally wrong to accpet an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share." (pg 94)
Wow. I'm trying to keep all 19 rules in my head right now. Let's see... on the first three dates you don't look at him; the fourth you tell him a little bit about yourself; you're an alcoholic but you don't tell him that becuase he might not understand or he'll say, "just have one"; and you should sleep with him within two months (unless you're an 18-year old virgin, of course), but if you don't plan on sleeping with him within two months you should let him know, and now you should remain "mysterious" on your dates and don't tell him too much about yourself, as you are *conditioned* to do from your therapist, which obviously you are seeing. OK. Can't wait to read Rule #20.
"Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, beinging up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem--all in an attempt to bind with this new man."
Again the authors assume every woman reading this book has been in therapy, that therapy "conditions" women, and that all women read self-help books. Wow. Really?
The authors say that at the end of the first date, he should know your name, profession, how many siblings you have, where you went to college, where you grew up, and your favorite restaurant. The next sentence reads, "Don't reprimand him for picking you up thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and explain that "abandonment" is one of your issues in therapy."
WHAT?! OK first, he shows up THIRTY MINUTES LATE and you STILL go out with him? There should be a rule about THAT! Where's *that* rule in the book?! Second, WHO in their right mind then tells her date that she felt *abandoned* by his extreme tardiness? Seriously?!!
They go on to write, "No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you." Later when things get serious you're supposed to tell him casually and slowly. "Don't be burdensome," they add. "Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, "No. I never drink. I hot a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA." Just say, "No, thanks," and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him..."
Seriously? If you're a recovering alcoholic and are in AA, why not tell him you don't drink? What if he gets the bottle of wine regardless? Come on, people. So you're going to NOT say something in case what, he runs away? I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink and it has never been an issue. If he asks to meet me for a drink, I will, and I'll order a Mountain Dew or a Shirley Temple. No problem. I don't drink coffee either, but if I'm asked on a coffee date, do I grand stand and say I don't drink coffee? No. Order something else for crying out loud.
The authors do say that you shouldn't hide or lie about bad things in your life, and they add, by the time you are engaged, he should know allthat really matters about you and your family and your past. "It is morally wrong to accpet an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share." (pg 94)
Wow. I'm trying to keep all 19 rules in my head right now. Let's see... on the first three dates you don't look at him; the fourth you tell him a little bit about yourself; you're an alcoholic but you don't tell him that becuase he might not understand or he'll say, "just have one"; and you should sleep with him within two months (unless you're an 18-year old virgin, of course), but if you don't plan on sleeping with him within two months you should let him know, and now you should remain "mysterious" on your dates and don't tell him too much about yourself, as you are *conditioned* to do from your therapist, which obviously you are seeing. OK. Can't wait to read Rule #20.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Rules, part 3
Rule #17: Let him take the lead.
This not-quite two-page chapter makes me want to take the book and bash it upside the heads of the authors--if I thought it would do any good. If the pages were made of thin concrete I might consider tracking them down. I feel I must defend myself somehow; explain that I'm not a bra-burning "feminist" of the 1960's, although perhaps if I were of that era, I might have been. This chapter goes against everything inside of me as a woman. It's difficult to discuss the chapter without letting you read it, so let's begin.
"Dating is like slow dancing. The man must take the lead or you fall over your feet. He should be the first to say "I love you," "I miss you," "I've told my parents so much about you. They can't wait to meet you."
"He should be an open book, you should be a mystery. Don't tell him he's the first person you've felt this way about in a long time, or that you never thought you'd fall in love again.
Remember, let him take the lead. He declares love first, just as he picks most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes ask you for you preference, in which case you can tell him."
Really? I read this aloud to a few coworkers one evening and one of the guys said, "Really? I HATE it when I ask a girl what movie she wants to see and she says, 'I don't know; what do YOU want to see?' If I didn't want her opinion, I wouldn't have asked. Why do I always have to decide what we're going to do. I don't want someone who can't think for herself." That about sums it up. I'm so glad they said that if he asks, you can answer. Let me just say that if I was dating a guy and he took me to a country concert without asking my preference, I don't even think I'd stay past the opening band. Nothing against country music, it's just not my thing. But don't worry, the above paragraphs are the least of your worries in this chapter!
"You should meet his parents before he meets yours, unless of course, he picks you up at your parents' house." OK, again, the target audience of this book are what... 14 to 18-year olds? The authors give tips on not letting your parents linger with your date too long, and also remind you that you should be ready to go when he arrives so your parents don't ask him embarrassing questions. Again... 15 year olds??
Furthermore, they add the same rule applies to your friends. "He should introduce you to his friends before you introduce him to yours. You should double date with his married or dating friends before you double with yours."
Here's the kicker. It is seldom that I am at a loss for words, but this time, I don't even know where to begin. Therefore, I will end with their final paragraph of the chapter and let your head explode as well.
"Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually meet all of your friends and family. Until then, just follow his lead!"
This not-quite two-page chapter makes me want to take the book and bash it upside the heads of the authors--if I thought it would do any good. If the pages were made of thin concrete I might consider tracking them down. I feel I must defend myself somehow; explain that I'm not a bra-burning "feminist" of the 1960's, although perhaps if I were of that era, I might have been. This chapter goes against everything inside of me as a woman. It's difficult to discuss the chapter without letting you read it, so let's begin.
"Dating is like slow dancing. The man must take the lead or you fall over your feet. He should be the first to say "I love you," "I miss you," "I've told my parents so much about you. They can't wait to meet you."
"He should be an open book, you should be a mystery. Don't tell him he's the first person you've felt this way about in a long time, or that you never thought you'd fall in love again.
Remember, let him take the lead. He declares love first, just as he picks most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes ask you for you preference, in which case you can tell him."
Really? I read this aloud to a few coworkers one evening and one of the guys said, "Really? I HATE it when I ask a girl what movie she wants to see and she says, 'I don't know; what do YOU want to see?' If I didn't want her opinion, I wouldn't have asked. Why do I always have to decide what we're going to do. I don't want someone who can't think for herself." That about sums it up. I'm so glad they said that if he asks, you can answer. Let me just say that if I was dating a guy and he took me to a country concert without asking my preference, I don't even think I'd stay past the opening band. Nothing against country music, it's just not my thing. But don't worry, the above paragraphs are the least of your worries in this chapter!
"You should meet his parents before he meets yours, unless of course, he picks you up at your parents' house." OK, again, the target audience of this book are what... 14 to 18-year olds? The authors give tips on not letting your parents linger with your date too long, and also remind you that you should be ready to go when he arrives so your parents don't ask him embarrassing questions. Again... 15 year olds??
Furthermore, they add the same rule applies to your friends. "He should introduce you to his friends before you introduce him to yours. You should double date with his married or dating friends before you double with yours."
Here's the kicker. It is seldom that I am at a loss for words, but this time, I don't even know where to begin. Therefore, I will end with their final paragraph of the chapter and let your head explode as well.
"Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually meet all of your friends and family. Until then, just follow his lead!"
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Book review: Look Again by Lisa Scottoline
I purchased Look Again by Lisa Scottoline in March, hoping it would be a book club selection. My wish came true in August! The 373 pages of the 5x7" paperback-like novel did not disappoint.
The book poses the question, what would you do if the face in a missing child photo was your son's?
After she received the postcard in the mail and sees the uncanny similarities, journalist Ellen Gleeson can't let the thought go even though she knows that the adoption of her son was legal. She recalls visiting the hospital every day for another story and seeing the little one year old boy recovering from heart surgery with no family members around to support him. She looks into his beautiful blue eyes, falls in love, and adopts him.
Fast forward two years to the cold winter morning she received the postcard in the mail. From that day forward, she couldn't let go of the fact that the child in the postcard looked a lot like her three year old son, despite the fact that the child in the postcard was a computerized composite-aged sketch. To find out more about the woman who gave up her son for adoption, Ellen contacted the lawyer who drew up the adoption papers only to discover she had committed suicide soon after the adoption was finalized.
Ellen hits another dead-end in her attempt to find out if her son Will is really the kidnapped boy Timothy from the postcard when her next lead suddenly dies of a suspicious overdose. Ellen takes things into her own hands and flies to the missing boy's hometown and essentially stalks the boy's grief-stricken parents in an attemot to somehow get DNA smaples from them without their knowledge.
All of this is happening as the newspaper for which she works is laying people off because of the economy, and she and her handsome single Latin editor deny their feelings for one another.
Her search for the truth endangers her life and that of her son's. There are a couple of surprising twists in the storyline, although one of the "surprises" was predictable. But in this case, I'll let it slide.
Look Again brings up many good questions, and is a novel that will leave a parent thinking for a long, long time.
The book poses the question, what would you do if the face in a missing child photo was your son's?
After she received the postcard in the mail and sees the uncanny similarities, journalist Ellen Gleeson can't let the thought go even though she knows that the adoption of her son was legal. She recalls visiting the hospital every day for another story and seeing the little one year old boy recovering from heart surgery with no family members around to support him. She looks into his beautiful blue eyes, falls in love, and adopts him.
Fast forward two years to the cold winter morning she received the postcard in the mail. From that day forward, she couldn't let go of the fact that the child in the postcard looked a lot like her three year old son, despite the fact that the child in the postcard was a computerized composite-aged sketch. To find out more about the woman who gave up her son for adoption, Ellen contacted the lawyer who drew up the adoption papers only to discover she had committed suicide soon after the adoption was finalized.
Ellen hits another dead-end in her attempt to find out if her son Will is really the kidnapped boy Timothy from the postcard when her next lead suddenly dies of a suspicious overdose. Ellen takes things into her own hands and flies to the missing boy's hometown and essentially stalks the boy's grief-stricken parents in an attemot to somehow get DNA smaples from them without their knowledge.
All of this is happening as the newspaper for which she works is laying people off because of the economy, and she and her handsome single Latin editor deny their feelings for one another.
Her search for the truth endangers her life and that of her son's. There are a couple of surprising twists in the storyline, although one of the "surprises" was predictable. But in this case, I'll let it slide.
Look Again brings up many good questions, and is a novel that will leave a parent thinking for a long, long time.
The Rules, part 2
Let's talk about sex, baby!
Now let's get to the important part of The Rules...what everyone wants to know. When can you have sex? The Rules depends on your age and personal feelings. The book reads, "If you're eighteen and a virgin, you will want to wait until you are in a committed relationship. If you're thirty-nine, waiting a month or two can be fine." (This four-page chapter doesn't have any suggestions for those aged 19-38.)
The authors tell you that you shouldn't be surprised if a man gets angry if you don't invite him into your apartment for a drink after the second date. They say, "he has probably been spoiled by other women who slept with him on the first or second date and now he feels denied this pleasure." (pg 78). Don't worry, the authors say, because anger indicates interest.
Woah. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Anger = interest. Wow. Wouldn't women's advocates and special victim units across the country like to get a hold of the women who wrote that statement?!! Ummm, how about if he gets angry because you won't f*ck him on the second date, that you ditch his sorry ass? How about that?
Next the book asks a question many of you are asking yourself: But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? The answer is still no. "You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here," the authors state. (Character-building?! Why is a woman who loves sex lacking in character?)
The authors continue, "Why risk having him call you easy when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day?" (The locker room? Is this book for high school girls?)
Argue all you want, the authors say; tell yourself that you don't mind if he doesn't call again after you have sex; lie to yourself, because you DO care that he calls again.
Once you're ready to have sex The Rules say that you must "stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets." (Evidently you should lay there silently during your missionary-style sex.) Don't talk about your needs during sex or after sex; don't demand that he do this or that--being in bed with you should not be difficult or demanding." (pg 80)
In other words, if you're receiving no pleasure from the experience, that's OK because it's all about him and his needs. You can let him know how to please you after he falls in love with you. That's what the book is all about, right? Finding a man to fall in love with and marry you.
Also, "don't bring anything--red lightbulbs, scented candles, or X-rated videos--to enhance your sexual experience. If you have to use those things to get him excited, something's wrong." Furthermore the authors add, don't cling to him if he has to leave that night or the following morning. (I'm picturing a grown woman clinging to the man's leg as he drags her across the floor like a small child to a parent.)
The chapter goes on to say, "don't try to keep him there longer by suggesting brunch or sweet rolls and coffee in bed. If you do, he'll porobably run to the nearest coffee shop for breakfast."
Brunch? *pause* Brunch?! Who goes out to brunch? And who randomly has sweet rolls in their kitchen? But wait -- the best is yet to come!
"Instead, go quietly about your business--brush your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, brew coffee--and chances are he'll start massaging your shoulders and suggesting morning sex or a great brunch place."
LMAO. Are you KIDDING me?! Is he massaging me as I do sit-ups or does he wait until I'm stretching? Seriously?! Women believe this shit?
Oh, and if a man doesn't suggest sex in the morning with his already erect penis, than THAT my friend is a problem. What man is going to wait, laying in bed with a hard-on while you busily go about your morning routine of brushing your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, and brew coffee? Please. Show me a man with a hard cock and I'll show you a man who wants sex! Screw "brunch"! I have your brunch right here, baby!
Now that we know we should wait two months before having sex (unless of course we're an 18-year-old virgin), the book advises that "it's only fair that if you're dating a man for a month or two and don't plan to sleep with him for a while to let him know. Otherwise, you're being a tease." BUT, the authors continue, if you're more into sex than he is, The Rules say "if you don't want to feel insecure, then don't initiate sex."
Let me understand. If I am someone other than an 18-year-old virgin, I can have sex in a month or two, but if I don't plan on having sex with him within those two months, I should let him know. Furthermore, if I love sex and he's not that in to it, I should keep it to myself. Tell me again why I'm with a man who doesn't like sex? I don't think I've met a man yet who doesn't love sex. Do they exist? My next question is how did I get to the sex part? On the first three dates I shouldn't look at him or say much of anything, and on the fourth date I should show more of myself, but I must be attentive, a good listener and let him lead ALL conversations. Isn't he bored with me? I would be!! Let's not forget that I also shouldn't tell him what others think about our relationship; that I was a mess before I discovered seminars and gurus; or that he's the first man to treat me with respect. I shouldn't ask about his past relationships, say "we've got to talk," or "overwhelm" him with my career triumphs. In other words, "don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
Ummm, wow. That's a lot of assumptions. I've been on four dates with a man and I'm telling everyone I know, including my personal trainer and mechanic that we're in a "relationship". And evidently I was a complete and utter mess before I met him and was treated disrespectfully by every man that came into my life. Wow. In four pages the authors' summed up my entire life. Are you SERIOUS?!
Let's get back to the sex. So, I'm not supposed to have sex with him too soon, but I shouldn't wait too long either, and I shouldn't initiate sex even if I love sex. And all of this spans a one or two month period but happens after four dates. Got it. THEN when we do finally have sex I should lay there, say nothing, and guide him in no way as to what I like in bed. This will make him fall in love with me and ask me to marry him. Ummm, OK. And after sex I should let him leave if he chooses to, or if he spends the night in my apartment I should wake up and go about my usual business of brushing my hair and teeth, and doing sit-ups and stretches while he lays in bed. OK. Got it.
And the most important portion of this four-page chapter is written in the last paragraph: "whenever you do have sex, always use a condom."
Got it.
Seriously??? Are these women for real?!
Now let's get to the important part of The Rules...what everyone wants to know. When can you have sex? The Rules depends on your age and personal feelings. The book reads, "If you're eighteen and a virgin, you will want to wait until you are in a committed relationship. If you're thirty-nine, waiting a month or two can be fine." (This four-page chapter doesn't have any suggestions for those aged 19-38.)
The authors tell you that you shouldn't be surprised if a man gets angry if you don't invite him into your apartment for a drink after the second date. They say, "he has probably been spoiled by other women who slept with him on the first or second date and now he feels denied this pleasure." (pg 78). Don't worry, the authors say, because anger indicates interest.
Woah. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Anger = interest. Wow. Wouldn't women's advocates and special victim units across the country like to get a hold of the women who wrote that statement?!! Ummm, how about if he gets angry because you won't f*ck him on the second date, that you ditch his sorry ass? How about that?
Next the book asks a question many of you are asking yourself: But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? The answer is still no. "You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here," the authors state. (Character-building?! Why is a woman who loves sex lacking in character?)
The authors continue, "Why risk having him call you easy when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day?" (The locker room? Is this book for high school girls?)
Argue all you want, the authors say; tell yourself that you don't mind if he doesn't call again after you have sex; lie to yourself, because you DO care that he calls again.
Once you're ready to have sex The Rules say that you must "stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets." (Evidently you should lay there silently during your missionary-style sex.) Don't talk about your needs during sex or after sex; don't demand that he do this or that--being in bed with you should not be difficult or demanding." (pg 80)
In other words, if you're receiving no pleasure from the experience, that's OK because it's all about him and his needs. You can let him know how to please you after he falls in love with you. That's what the book is all about, right? Finding a man to fall in love with and marry you.
Also, "don't bring anything--red lightbulbs, scented candles, or X-rated videos--to enhance your sexual experience. If you have to use those things to get him excited, something's wrong." Furthermore the authors add, don't cling to him if he has to leave that night or the following morning. (I'm picturing a grown woman clinging to the man's leg as he drags her across the floor like a small child to a parent.)
The chapter goes on to say, "don't try to keep him there longer by suggesting brunch or sweet rolls and coffee in bed. If you do, he'll porobably run to the nearest coffee shop for breakfast."
Brunch? *pause* Brunch?! Who goes out to brunch? And who randomly has sweet rolls in their kitchen? But wait -- the best is yet to come!
"Instead, go quietly about your business--brush your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, brew coffee--and chances are he'll start massaging your shoulders and suggesting morning sex or a great brunch place."
LMAO. Are you KIDDING me?! Is he massaging me as I do sit-ups or does he wait until I'm stretching? Seriously?! Women believe this shit?
Oh, and if a man doesn't suggest sex in the morning with his already erect penis, than THAT my friend is a problem. What man is going to wait, laying in bed with a hard-on while you busily go about your morning routine of brushing your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, and brew coffee? Please. Show me a man with a hard cock and I'll show you a man who wants sex! Screw "brunch"! I have your brunch right here, baby!
Now that we know we should wait two months before having sex (unless of course we're an 18-year-old virgin), the book advises that "it's only fair that if you're dating a man for a month or two and don't plan to sleep with him for a while to let him know. Otherwise, you're being a tease." BUT, the authors continue, if you're more into sex than he is, The Rules say "if you don't want to feel insecure, then don't initiate sex."
Let me understand. If I am someone other than an 18-year-old virgin, I can have sex in a month or two, but if I don't plan on having sex with him within those two months, I should let him know. Furthermore, if I love sex and he's not that in to it, I should keep it to myself. Tell me again why I'm with a man who doesn't like sex? I don't think I've met a man yet who doesn't love sex. Do they exist? My next question is how did I get to the sex part? On the first three dates I shouldn't look at him or say much of anything, and on the fourth date I should show more of myself, but I must be attentive, a good listener and let him lead ALL conversations. Isn't he bored with me? I would be!! Let's not forget that I also shouldn't tell him what others think about our relationship; that I was a mess before I discovered seminars and gurus; or that he's the first man to treat me with respect. I shouldn't ask about his past relationships, say "we've got to talk," or "overwhelm" him with my career triumphs. In other words, "don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
Ummm, wow. That's a lot of assumptions. I've been on four dates with a man and I'm telling everyone I know, including my personal trainer and mechanic that we're in a "relationship". And evidently I was a complete and utter mess before I met him and was treated disrespectfully by every man that came into my life. Wow. In four pages the authors' summed up my entire life. Are you SERIOUS?!
Let's get back to the sex. So, I'm not supposed to have sex with him too soon, but I shouldn't wait too long either, and I shouldn't initiate sex even if I love sex. And all of this spans a one or two month period but happens after four dates. Got it. THEN when we do finally have sex I should lay there, say nothing, and guide him in no way as to what I like in bed. This will make him fall in love with me and ask me to marry him. Ummm, OK. And after sex I should let him leave if he chooses to, or if he spends the night in my apartment I should wake up and go about my usual business of brushing my hair and teeth, and doing sit-ups and stretches while he lays in bed. OK. Got it.
And the most important portion of this four-page chapter is written in the last paragraph: "whenever you do have sex, always use a condom."
Got it.
Seriously??? Are these women for real?!
The Rules, part 1
My friend was in a book store a few weeks ago, and while waiting in line she picked up and read a few pages of The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. She immediately called me to share the ridiculous writings. Rule #1 - Be a "creature unlike any other." WTH? We chatted as she left for her appointment and decided that if the book was under $10 and/or we found it at Half Priced Books, it would be worth purchasing for entertainment purposes. And that's what she did! She bought the book and we read portions of it during our Burger Quest evening and could not stop laughing.
What are The Rules? As the book states, "They are a simple way of acting around men that can help any woman win the heart of the man of her dreams."
Rule #9 informed readers "How to act on dates 1, 2, and 3." Well, not really because dates 2 and 3 are mentioned only briefly at the end of the three-page chapter. The booked instructs the reader to not think of him [your date] before he arrives because "it isn't necessary for the first three dates." You're supposed to be busy right up until the minute he "buzzes you from downstairs."
One, I find it amusing that they assume everyone lives in an apartment, as that reference is mentioned throughout the book. Two, I wonder how one doesn't think about her date before the date? Is it possible? And "be busy until the minute he arrives." Busy doing what, exactly? Fear not -- the book has suggestions! Go to the gym, take a long hot bubble bath, see a movie (a comedy; no romances, it warns), get a manicure or pedicure, shop for clothes or a bottle of perfume, take a nap, or read a book or the newspaper. The author adds, "If you're busy all day, you won't be so needy and empty when he picks you up." Wow. Needy? Empty?? This book is full of assumptions about single women.
Next, it says, all you really have to do on the first three dates is "show up, relax, [and] pretend you're an actress making a cameo appearance in a movie." Don't tell him about your day; don't be too serious, controlling, or wifey; don't mention the M word; be sweet and light; laugh at his jokes; smile a lot; and don't feel obligated to fill up the lulls in the conversation. (Wifey? What does that even mean...?)
The authors instruct you on thinking as well: "If you have to think about something, think about your date with another man that week." And always end the date/phone conversation first, if you like him (to leave him wanting more, of course!). The authors even have timelines to follow; two hours for a drink date and three or four hours for a dinner date, and suggest that you end the date by saying, "Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow."
The first three dates are about dressing nice, being nice, saying good-bye, and going home (alone, of course). Period. You want to get married, afterall. Anyone can have a one-night stand!
Rule #10 has information on "How to act on dates 4 through commitment time." On the fourth date you can show more of yourself. You can look at him (which you cannot do on the first three dates), be attentive, and be a good listener so that he knows you would "make a supportive wife." He must take the lead on all conversations.
According to The Rules, here's a list of don'ts that, should you do them, will surely lead you to be lonely for all of eternity.
"Don't tell him what your astrologist, nutirtionist, personal trainer, shrink, or yoga instructor thinks about your relationship with him.
"Don't tell him what a mess you were before you discovered seminars and gurus, as in, "My life was such a mess before The Forum (or est).
"Don't tell him he's the first man to treat you with respect. He'll think you're a loser or a tramp.
"Don't give him the third degree about his past relationships.
"Don't say, "We've go to talk" in a serious tone, or he'll bolt from the bar stool.
"Don't overwhelm him with your career triumphs. Try to let him shine.
"Don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
The book adds that you won't have to keep such things to yourslef forever; just for the first few months until he says he's in love with you. It's then you can be more of yourself. It further states that "letting it all hang out too soon is counterproductive to your goals." (Which is marraige, in case you forgot.) (pg 64)
The book goes on to say that many women are CONDITIONED in therapy to open up very soon. That's another theme seen throughout the book -- women being "conditioned" by therapists. The Rules, they say, are about opening up slowly so that men aren't overwhelmed by us. Furthermore, "it's rather selfish and inconsiderate to burden people with our whole lives on a three-hour date." (Evidently it's NOT selfish for a man to talk about himself the entire date.)
Back to ending the date/phone call first. Chapter 11, titled "Always end the date first" says, "ending the first date is not so easy when you really like him and want to marry him, and you're both having a great time." It goes on to say that not ending the date first is bad enough, but what's worse is prolonging the date once it should have been over. Moreover, it should be the man trying to prolong the date. Ummm, wow! On your first date you know you want to marry him. Really? How does *that* work?
I guess if I had been following The Rules, I wouldn't have stayed with my recent ex as long as I did, as rule #12 states that you should stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine's Day. I received nothing from my recent ex on both occasions. Hmmmm... perhaps THIS rule is worth following. *wink*
The book reads, "you might as well call it quits because he's not in love with you and chances are you won't get the most important gift of all: an engagement ring." (pg 69) It goes on to say that when men are in love, they give love objects even if they are on a tight budget. "As most women know, the time a man spends on anything is virtually priceless." If a man is crazy about you, he will give you all kinds of things all the time because you're always on his mind. The chapter ends with, "It's about determing whether a man is truly in love with you and, if not, going on to the next. If you end up marrying a man who gives you a briefcase instead of a bracelet on your birthday, you may be doomed to a life of practical, loveless gifts and gestures from him such as food processors, and you may spend thousands of dollars in therapy trying to figure out why there's no romance in your marriage."
Wow.
What are The Rules? As the book states, "They are a simple way of acting around men that can help any woman win the heart of the man of her dreams."
Rule #9 informed readers "How to act on dates 1, 2, and 3." Well, not really because dates 2 and 3 are mentioned only briefly at the end of the three-page chapter. The booked instructs the reader to not think of him [your date] before he arrives because "it isn't necessary for the first three dates." You're supposed to be busy right up until the minute he "buzzes you from downstairs."
One, I find it amusing that they assume everyone lives in an apartment, as that reference is mentioned throughout the book. Two, I wonder how one doesn't think about her date before the date? Is it possible? And "be busy until the minute he arrives." Busy doing what, exactly? Fear not -- the book has suggestions! Go to the gym, take a long hot bubble bath, see a movie (a comedy; no romances, it warns), get a manicure or pedicure, shop for clothes or a bottle of perfume, take a nap, or read a book or the newspaper. The author adds, "If you're busy all day, you won't be so needy and empty when he picks you up." Wow. Needy? Empty?? This book is full of assumptions about single women.
Next, it says, all you really have to do on the first three dates is "show up, relax, [and] pretend you're an actress making a cameo appearance in a movie." Don't tell him about your day; don't be too serious, controlling, or wifey; don't mention the M word; be sweet and light; laugh at his jokes; smile a lot; and don't feel obligated to fill up the lulls in the conversation. (Wifey? What does that even mean...?)
The authors instruct you on thinking as well: "If you have to think about something, think about your date with another man that week." And always end the date/phone conversation first, if you like him (to leave him wanting more, of course!). The authors even have timelines to follow; two hours for a drink date and three or four hours for a dinner date, and suggest that you end the date by saying, "Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow."
The first three dates are about dressing nice, being nice, saying good-bye, and going home (alone, of course). Period. You want to get married, afterall. Anyone can have a one-night stand!
Rule #10 has information on "How to act on dates 4 through commitment time." On the fourth date you can show more of yourself. You can look at him (which you cannot do on the first three dates), be attentive, and be a good listener so that he knows you would "make a supportive wife." He must take the lead on all conversations.
According to The Rules, here's a list of don'ts that, should you do them, will surely lead you to be lonely for all of eternity.
"Don't tell him what your astrologist, nutirtionist, personal trainer, shrink, or yoga instructor thinks about your relationship with him.
"Don't tell him what a mess you were before you discovered seminars and gurus, as in, "My life was such a mess before The Forum (or est).
"Don't tell him he's the first man to treat you with respect. He'll think you're a loser or a tramp.
"Don't give him the third degree about his past relationships.
"Don't say, "We've go to talk" in a serious tone, or he'll bolt from the bar stool.
"Don't overwhelm him with your career triumphs. Try to let him shine.
"Don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
The book adds that you won't have to keep such things to yourslef forever; just for the first few months until he says he's in love with you. It's then you can be more of yourself. It further states that "letting it all hang out too soon is counterproductive to your goals." (Which is marraige, in case you forgot.) (pg 64)
The book goes on to say that many women are CONDITIONED in therapy to open up very soon. That's another theme seen throughout the book -- women being "conditioned" by therapists. The Rules, they say, are about opening up slowly so that men aren't overwhelmed by us. Furthermore, "it's rather selfish and inconsiderate to burden people with our whole lives on a three-hour date." (Evidently it's NOT selfish for a man to talk about himself the entire date.)
Back to ending the date/phone call first. Chapter 11, titled "Always end the date first" says, "ending the first date is not so easy when you really like him and want to marry him, and you're both having a great time." It goes on to say that not ending the date first is bad enough, but what's worse is prolonging the date once it should have been over. Moreover, it should be the man trying to prolong the date. Ummm, wow! On your first date you know you want to marry him. Really? How does *that* work?
I guess if I had been following The Rules, I wouldn't have stayed with my recent ex as long as I did, as rule #12 states that you should stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine's Day. I received nothing from my recent ex on both occasions. Hmmmm... perhaps THIS rule is worth following. *wink*
The book reads, "you might as well call it quits because he's not in love with you and chances are you won't get the most important gift of all: an engagement ring." (pg 69) It goes on to say that when men are in love, they give love objects even if they are on a tight budget. "As most women know, the time a man spends on anything is virtually priceless." If a man is crazy about you, he will give you all kinds of things all the time because you're always on his mind. The chapter ends with, "It's about determing whether a man is truly in love with you and, if not, going on to the next. If you end up marrying a man who gives you a briefcase instead of a bracelet on your birthday, you may be doomed to a life of practical, loveless gifts and gestures from him such as food processors, and you may spend thousands of dollars in therapy trying to figure out why there's no romance in your marriage."
Wow.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Book review: Patty Jane's House of Curl by Lorna Landvik
Patty Jane's House of Curl by Lorna Landvik was not what I expected. When some people from the book club said they "loved" the book because "it was fabulous!", we thought, "Great!" After the previous book (the Bonesetter's Daughter) we needed an easy & fun read.
I'll give it "easy" but "fun" I'm not so sure. The book did have some humorous parts, but it was depressing, sometimes dark, and I have to say incredibly predictable. Don't worry, I won't give anything away. The book takes place in Minnesota so it was neat to "see" the streets and sites back in the 1960's. However, I don't think that non-Minnesotans would truly get the feel for the places the characters visited.
Patty Jane and her sister Harriet grew up in an alcoholic household and pretty much relied on one another to get through life. Patty Jane married a hottie and got pregnant on their wedding night. Thor, her hottie husband disappears days before the baby is born. I must confess that I was thisclose to not reading further until Thor ran head-on into a tree one icy winter evening. I read to find out what happened to him.
After Thor's disappearance and her depressive episode, Patty Jane opens a neighborhood beauty parlor to financially support her family. She soon decides that classes would be a great addition for the ladies who come to the shop, so she offers a variety of classes, ranging from art to Hollywood gossip. Her mother-in-law, now living with Patty Jane, bakes delicious Norwegian treats for the women to enjoy with theior coffee and tea, and Harriet, an incredibly gifted and multi-talented artist, sometimes plays harp. Of course the women in the beauty parlor gossip as well.
I must confess that I did get misty-eyed near the end of the novel, which means that Lorna Landcik did a great job in developing a few characters. I'll give her props for that. However, of all of the book club picks, this is at the bottom of the list for me. Sorry Patty Jane. You're just not my cup of tea (pun intended).
I'll give it "easy" but "fun" I'm not so sure. The book did have some humorous parts, but it was depressing, sometimes dark, and I have to say incredibly predictable. Don't worry, I won't give anything away. The book takes place in Minnesota so it was neat to "see" the streets and sites back in the 1960's. However, I don't think that non-Minnesotans would truly get the feel for the places the characters visited.
Patty Jane and her sister Harriet grew up in an alcoholic household and pretty much relied on one another to get through life. Patty Jane married a hottie and got pregnant on their wedding night. Thor, her hottie husband disappears days before the baby is born. I must confess that I was thisclose to not reading further until Thor ran head-on into a tree one icy winter evening. I read to find out what happened to him.
After Thor's disappearance and her depressive episode, Patty Jane opens a neighborhood beauty parlor to financially support her family. She soon decides that classes would be a great addition for the ladies who come to the shop, so she offers a variety of classes, ranging from art to Hollywood gossip. Her mother-in-law, now living with Patty Jane, bakes delicious Norwegian treats for the women to enjoy with theior coffee and tea, and Harriet, an incredibly gifted and multi-talented artist, sometimes plays harp. Of course the women in the beauty parlor gossip as well.
I must confess that I did get misty-eyed near the end of the novel, which means that Lorna Landcik did a great job in developing a few characters. I'll give her props for that. However, of all of the book club picks, this is at the bottom of the list for me. Sorry Patty Jane. You're just not my cup of tea (pun intended).
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