Men, part 2

Men, part 2


When it comes to men, I always want what I can’t have. It’s my protection. A shield. A way for me not to get hurt. Intellectually I realize this fact, but my heart doesn’t want to go through the pain again. Heart wins. However, my heart aches to be loved. My body yearns to be held, my lips kissed, my hands intertwined with another… our bodies joining together in pure passionate pleasure.


I can have *all* of those things with DJ (not his real name). I shouldn’t because he’s married… morally off-limits. But there’s the catch, you see, he’s safe. He’s safe BECAUSE he is married. He can’t commit to me. I know he can’t stay the night or see me as often as I’d like to see him. He won’t love me and leave me or break my heart. He’s safe, you see? He holds me close and kisses me; he intertwines his fingers and body with mine, like a perfect mold… we are made for each other. Just seeing his name in my e-mail in-box excites me. Oh, and hearing his voice…! *slow deep breath* That excites me more. And when he arrives on my doorstep unexpectedly during the late night hours, we can’t keep our clothes on long enough to shut the front door. Passionate. Raw. Animalistic.


See? He can’t hurt me.


But he does… our time together is temporary and fills a momentary need. When our time together is over I am alone once again—only this time I’m alone and left feeling bad because I compromised myself, my morals, my values. So begins the cycle.


I know I have to stay away from DJ. I’ve done well for almost a year. But his name appeared in my in-box recently… my pulse quickened, my breathing grew shallow, my eyes dilated, I was ready—that intense lust rushed through my entire body. Just. By. Seeing. His. Name.


I can justify sleeping with him to myself: “if he’s going to cheat on his wife, it might as well be with me;” or “they haven’t slept together in years, so why does it matter?;” or “it’s no big deal; it’s just sex; it’s only physical.”


Who *is* that person? Not the Keri I know.


Will that lust ever go away? It didn’t a year ago when I was dating my boyfriend. Perhaps it was because that relationship was long distance? Regardless, every time I saw DJ’s name in my inbox I wanted nothing more than to be with him. I didn’t, of course. Regrettably. Or not. I am faithful in my relationships. Hypocrite. It’s true. I don’t cheat. My ex-husband cheated on me and I know what it feels like. So why… why did I sleep with DJ? Am I not worthy of a great man? Am I not worthy of love? Do I fear love…?


DJ isn’t the only man on my mind.


There’s one man I am ever so slowly getting out of my mind. We met online years ago, but just met in person in the past six months. He’s considerably younger but definitely has an old soul. He’s accepting and open-minded and will try anything at least once. He’s genius intelligent so there’s never a lull in the conversation. And I can be me with him… no apologies. He accepts me for me. In addition, although we have haven’t slept together, I know we are sexually compatible from the site on which we met and from our conversations over the years. He’s a beautiful and caring man with a lot to offer to someone… I don’t think he thinks *I* am that someone.


But again, because of the age difference, he is safe. *I* do not have a problem with his age, and because I don’t look or act my age, I don’t think it’s a problem, but that is not my decision to make. Most of my friends are his age or a year or two older than him… idk… Regardless, he’s unavailable to me right now and that is a choice he made.

Men. Men. More men.


Is it normal to look at someone and want to tear off his clothes and have sex? Like right there. In the very moment. You know I’m an open book and I have no boundaries. I’m laying it all out here. Clearly I am not ready for a relationship, right? Or maybe it’s a farce so I don’t have to admit I’m afraid to love someone… to give him my full heart. Sex is easy. Love on the other hand, is not.


I walked into my ACA meeting one evening and as soon as I entered the meeting room, my eyes locked on Brian. He was back! *grin* I then looked to my right and saw another hottie—and he was new. I took my seat one away from the new hottie and joked that with the room full of 5 men and me, it was like I had my own harem tonight. The hottie smiled at me with his beautiful eyes and long curly eyelashes and said, “take your pick!” In my head I already chose… him. When the meeting began, we joined hands, and because the other side of the table was shorter than our side, I told the hottie that we’d have to stand close to each other so I could reach across the table. He pulled me close and wrapped my arm around his back, still holding my hand, and said, “that’s OK with me,” and then our heads bumped together a little bit and we laughed. The meeting began. We ended up in different groups, so I don’t know anything about him other than his name. LOL I haven’t seen him since. And hopefully he doesn’t read my notes section. *blush* I doubt he does, and he’s rarely on Facebook anyway, so I hope luck is on my side.