Journal, 07.03.11

07.03.11

I woke from a dream this afternoon. I could still feel his soft shirt against my face... feel my arms wrapped around him... If you watched me sleep, you would see my arms outstretched and my head tilted slightly. As I opened my eyes, the feeling of his arms left me. But I could still feel the softness of his shirt against the right side of my face.

I want so bad to return to him. The faceless man in my dreams. The man who loves me for me. The one who cuddles with me, holds me close, kisses my head. The man with the softest of shirts. The one who makes me comfortable... safe. The one I miss terribly.

As my eyes fill with tears, my heart fills with sorrow. I'm so incredibly lonely I don't even think there are words that adequately describe my despair. My heart is empty. Sadness escapes through the hot salty tears that fall down my face, blurring the computer screen.

Just when I think "I've changed; I'm ready," I discover that is not the case. Perhaps I am destined to be a sexual play thing for the rest of my life. Why is it so easy for me to revert to sex with a man? Over the phone. In emails, over instant messages... It's so easy. And every time it happens it begins the same way... I feel the energy.

I love the energy.

I love sex. Why isn't that acceptable for women to admit? I love sex! I love everything about sex--the adventure, the sweat and noises; the different positions... heavy breathing, the screams, the wetness... I love the smell afterwards...

...and I love the "get the fuck out" when it's over. Don't get me wrong. I'll walk him to the door and kiss him goodbye. It's just sex. I'm a play thing.

Do men see that in me? Do I project "sex"? What is it about me that make men tell me their deepest and darkest dreams and fantasies? Do they know I won't judge them?

Once the energy is gone though... I'm left empty. A used vessel. Discarded. Discounted. Until the next time. And I KNOW the emptiness is coming, and yet I travel the same path. Why? *sigh* Because sex is easy. I am good at it. Not in a bragging kind of way, mind you, but in the "we all do what we're good at" kind of way. Now having a relationship? That's hard. Fighting? No thanks. Conflict? Run the other way. No thank you. It comes back to not wanting to be abandoned. Yep... I still need to work on myself. Bottom line. I need more "me" time. Until then, the man in my dreams is out of reach.

I need to rethink things. Put something else into the universe. I am worth loving. I am more than a sexual play toy. I am a strong independent woman. I will make my dream man a reality. I will feel the softness of his shirt in reality. Until then... I will meet him in my dreams.