Review of the Soap Factory's "haunted basement"

Review of the Soap Factory's "haunted basement"

I was VERY excited to go to the Soap Factory's infamous haunted basement. I had heard it's the scariest "haunted house" in the state of Minnesota. Tickets needed to be ordered in advanced and the tickets were timed, meaning you had to show up at your assigned time or else...

After an annoying drive through Minneapolis and the U of M's incredibly busy campus, I finally arrived at the Soap Factory (literally on time), my stomach in knots from the drive and with anticipation about how afraid I would truly get. I was excited.

In order to go through the haunted basement you have to be 18 years old or older, and need to sign a waiver. Ooooooo, my anticipation increases. I can't wait!

Of course there was a short line of groups ahead of us. Before each group descended the stairs, a greeter rang a loud cow bell. Once we got to the front of the line, the greeter informed us of "the rules" which included not touching the actors; not bringing anything downstairs that could potentially fall out of our pockets or purses; when we reached the bottom of the stairs, hang on to the rope "until it's evident there is no more rope;" and if we were too afraid or wanted something to stop, that we should say "uncle" very loudly so the actors can hear, and they would then escort us out of the basement, no exceptions. Wow. Cool!! As she was telling us this, a skinny guy came running up the steps saying he couldn't go any further, that he was scared. Hmmmmmmm. He just went down with the group in front of us, so he couldn't have gotten very far...

After a few more minutes, the greeter rang the loud bell (which must tell the actors that another group is on their way down) and we descended the stairs. Roxie went first, followed by Lyle, and then me, bringing up the rear of our group. By the time you get almost to the bottom of the stairs, you have to move a heavy black curtain to the side to continue. Four or more steps down in complete darkness brings you to the basement. Still hanging on to the rope, I literally cannot see a thing. I hold the thick ship-like rope with my right hand and walk slowly, extending my left hand forward in case a wall suddenly appears in my face. In my head I'm thinking "someone is going to yell or grab me or whisper or something" to scare me. I also imagine the actors wearing night vision goggles, secretly laughing at those of us who walk slowly through the darkness. There's loud "music" playing around the darkness, but it sounded more like death metal with a deep voice speaking slowly and unintelligibly. I follow the rope around corners, up high, down low, and around more corners. I anticipate someone jumping out. No one did. Nothing. I felt the rope raise in front of me as if actors were passing in front of me to get ahead of me... still nothing. Nada. I saw a lit doorway ahead of me, continued blindly following the rope, and walked through another curtained doorway where Roxie and Lyle were waiting. As I stepped through the doorway, someone brushed my ankle. Lame. I wasn't even startled.

Unfortunately since I didn't write the review immediately afterwards, the following events won't be in the order they actually happened, but it will give you an idea of the Soap Factory experience nonetheless.

We encountered two costumed people on stilts. One followed me and then made me go under his leg to get to the next room.

Next we walk into a room filled with "regular people," although they were dressed for a time decades ago. They welcomed us into their living room and separated us from one another. Roxie sat on a couch next to a man and then a young woman draped herself across the man and Roxie, and rested her head on Roxie's legs. Lyle was talking to another man. And I was stopped by the "older brother" of the "family" who asked who I brought to his party. We chatted for a while, about nothing and then I saw that the next group was on their way into his "home" so I gracefully exited the situation. It wasn't scary. It was...weird.

We left that room and passed by a large globe-like thing that had electricity coming out of it and it shocked each person as he/she passed it. Then we passed a literal stream of water that was going from one side of the "hallway" to the other. Each "hallway" we went through were costumed people, but because you saw them and knew they would try to scare you, it wasn't at all scary. Some followed us for a while. Still not scary.

We entered another room and the people tickled us and tried not to let us pass onto the next portion of the basement. I again had to walk under someone's leg to get through into the next space. This space had three females, dressed in dresses with white faces. One cornered me and wouldn't let me pass. She kept asking if I thought she was pretty. "Do you think I'm pretty?" then she grinded herself against me in simulated sex. She repeatedly asked me, "Do you think I'm pretty" while she touched herself and rubbed up against me. At this point, Roxie just escapes the tickling people and the girl focuses her attention on Roxie. I move forward to discover Lyle with a woman (man dressed as a woman) asking him to touch her nipples & pull her nipples.

We eventually left the three women and entered another part of the basement where spoiled food was laid out on a table and a "crazy woman" was there asking us to stay for dinner. Again, not scary. She did shove food into my mouth though (it was trail mix) while Roxie ran past her. The room smelled of feces.

We then rounded the corner and heard sexual screaming and moaning and discovered a woman and man, fully clothed, simulating sex. The woman was yelling "Daddy" (as in her father) and telling him how much she liked his "insert name here" inside of her. We awkwardly passed them and when we were on the other side of the bed, they both jumped up to see us... The "daddy" asked if I liked what I saw and asked if I wanted some, too. He asked if I liked my men shaven and if I'd like to shave his ass. I pointed to Roxie and said that she was into shaving people, then I tried to go into the next room. I was greeted by the woman this time, and she was caressing her body in a sexual manner and asked if I thought she was pretty. She put her one leg up against the door frame and motioned for me to bend under her leg to pass through her. As I passed under her, she moaned and screamed in feigned sexual delight.She asked me to spank her/slap her ass. (Seriously... you can't make this stuff up!)

We were then each escorted either to a wall or a large pole (the structural kind that holds up ceilings/floors) and told to either put our hands against the wall or around the pole. Blacked goggled were placed over our eyes so we couldn't see anything. People would come up behind you and just stand there or make weird noises into your ear. Still not scary. I learned that Roxie was taken away, and then soon I was escorted by a man into another space and handed off to a female. She instructed me to step up a step and turn around. When I stepped up a step, the floor felt like a grassy area. I turned around and she removed the goggled in time for me to see her shut the large wooden door. After my eyes adjusted I realized I was in a standing coffin-like box. No one was grabbing at me through the tiny slats as I anticipated. She opened the door and asked, "do you want to come out?" I said, "sure." She slammed the door and said, "no!," laughed and walked away. She returned a few minutes later, let me out and escorted me to a curtain which led up brightly lit steps. That was the end. I walked into another room where you could watch people live as they walked through the haunted basement.

LAME. Most definitely not worth the $21 entry fee.

Lyle was also locked in standing up coffin. Roxie was brought to a typical coffin, except the head portion opened to reveal jail-type bars where the actors put things through toward her face. She was in the coffin for more than ten minutes (possibly 15 minutes). Lyle and I were about to go back downstairs and get her because she was down there for so long when she rounded the corner to come upstairs.

Bottom line: it was NOT the scariest "haunted house" in the state of Minnesota.