The Rules, part 1

My friend was in a book store a few weeks ago, and while waiting in line she picked up and read a few pages of The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. She immediately called me to share the ridiculous writings. Rule #1 - Be a "creature unlike any other." WTH? We chatted as she left for her appointment and decided that if the book was under $10 and/or we found it at Half Priced Books, it would be worth purchasing for entertainment purposes. And that's what she did! She bought the book and we read portions of it during our Burger Quest evening and could not stop laughing.

What are The Rules? As the book states, "They are a simple way of acting around men that can help any woman win the heart of the man of her dreams."

Rule #9 informed readers "How to act on dates 1, 2, and 3." Well, not really because dates 2 and 3 are mentioned only briefly at the end of the three-page chapter. The booked instructs the reader to not think of him [your date] before he arrives because "it isn't necessary for the first three dates." You're supposed to be busy right up until the minute he "buzzes you from downstairs."

One, I find it amusing that they assume everyone lives in an apartment, as that reference is mentioned throughout the book. Two, I wonder how one doesn't think about her date before the date? Is it possible? And "be busy until the minute he arrives." Busy doing what, exactly? Fear not -- the book has suggestions! Go to the gym, take a long hot bubble bath, see a movie (a comedy; no romances, it warns), get a manicure or pedicure, shop for clothes or a bottle of perfume, take a nap, or read a book or the newspaper. The author adds, "If you're busy all day, you won't be so needy and empty when he picks you up." Wow. Needy? Empty?? This book is full of assumptions about single women.

Next, it says, all you really have to do on the first three dates is "show up, relax, [and] pretend you're an actress making a cameo appearance in a movie." Don't tell him about your day; don't be too serious, controlling, or wifey; don't mention the M word; be sweet and light; laugh at his jokes; smile a lot; and don't feel obligated to fill up the lulls in the conversation. (Wifey? What does that even mean...?)

The authors instruct you on thinking as well: "If you have to think about something, think about your date with another man that week." And always end the date/phone conversation first, if you like him (to leave him wanting more, of course!). The authors even have timelines to follow; two hours for a drink date and three or four hours for a dinner date, and suggest that you end the date by saying, "Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow."

The first three dates are about dressing nice, being nice, saying good-bye, and going home (alone, of course). Period. You want to get married, afterall. Anyone can have a one-night stand!

Rule #10 has information on "How to act on dates 4 through commitment time." On the fourth date you can show more of yourself. You can look at him (which you cannot do on the first three dates), be attentive, and be a good listener so that he knows you would "make a supportive wife." He must take the lead on all conversations.

According to The Rules, here's a list of don'ts that, should you do them, will surely lead you to be lonely for all of eternity.

"Don't tell him what your astrologist, nutirtionist, personal trainer, shrink, or yoga instructor thinks about your relationship with him.
"Don't tell him what a mess you were before you discovered seminars and gurus, as in, "My life was such a mess before The Forum (or est).
"Don't tell him he's the first man to treat you with respect. He'll think you're a loser or a tramp.
"Don't give him the third degree about his past relationships.
"Don't say, "We've go to talk" in a serious tone, or he'll bolt from the bar stool.
"Don't overwhelm him with your career triumphs. Try to let him shine.
"Don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
The book adds that you won't have to keep such things to yourslef forever; just for the first few months until he says he's in love with you. It's then you can be more of yourself. It further states that "letting it all hang out too soon is counterproductive to your goals." (Which is marraige, in case you forgot.) (pg 64)

The book goes on to say that many women are CONDITIONED in therapy to open up very soon. That's another theme seen throughout the book -- women being "conditioned" by therapists. The Rules, they say, are about opening up slowly so that men aren't overwhelmed by us. Furthermore, "it's rather selfish and inconsiderate to burden people with our whole lives on a three-hour date." (Evidently it's NOT selfish for a man to talk about himself the entire date.)

Back to ending the date/phone call first. Chapter 11, titled "Always end the date first" says, "ending the first date is not so easy when you really like him and want to marry him, and you're both having a great time." It goes on to say that not ending the date first is bad enough, but what's worse is prolonging the date once it should have been over. Moreover, it should be the man trying to prolong the date. Ummm, wow! On your first date you know you want to marry him. Really? How does *that* work?

I guess if I had been following The Rules, I wouldn't have stayed with my recent ex as long as I did, as rule #12 states that you should stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine's Day. I received nothing from my recent ex on both occasions. Hmmmm... perhaps THIS rule is worth following. *wink*

The book reads, "you might as well call it quits because he's not in love with you and chances are you won't get the most important gift of all: an engagement ring." (pg 69) It goes on to say that when men are in love, they give love objects even if they are on a tight budget. "As most women know, the time a man spends on anything is virtually priceless." If a man is crazy about you, he will give you all kinds of things all the time because you're always on his mind. The chapter ends with, "It's about determing whether a man is truly in love with you and, if not, going on to the next. If you end up marrying a man who gives you a briefcase instead of a bracelet on your birthday, you may be doomed to a life of practical, loveless gifts and gestures from him such as food processors, and you may spend thousands of dollars in therapy trying to figure out why there's no romance in your marriage."

Wow.