The Rules, part 2

Let's talk about sex, baby!

Now let's get to the important part of The Rules...what everyone wants to know. When can you have sex? The Rules depends on your age and personal feelings. The book reads, "If you're eighteen and a virgin, you will want to wait until you are in a committed relationship. If you're thirty-nine, waiting a month or two can be fine." (This four-page chapter doesn't have any suggestions for those aged 19-38.)

The authors tell you that you shouldn't be surprised if a man gets angry if you don't invite him into your apartment for a drink after the second date. They say, "he has probably been spoiled by other women who slept with him on the first or second date and now he feels denied this pleasure." (pg 78). Don't worry, the authors say, because anger indicates interest.

Woah. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Anger = interest. Wow. Wouldn't women's advocates and special victim units across the country like to get a hold of the women who wrote that statement?!! Ummm, how about if he gets angry because you won't f*ck him on the second date, that you ditch his sorry ass? How about that?

Next the book asks a question many of you are asking yourself: But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? The answer is still no. "You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here," the authors state. (Character-building?! Why is a woman who loves sex lacking in character?)

The authors continue, "Why risk having him call you easy when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day?" (The locker room? Is this book for high school girls?)

Argue all you want, the authors say; tell yourself that you don't mind if he doesn't call again after you have sex; lie to yourself, because you DO care that he calls again.

Once you're ready to have sex The Rules say that you must "stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets." (Evidently you should lay there silently during your missionary-style sex.) Don't talk about your needs during sex or after sex; don't demand that he do this or that--being in bed with you should not be difficult or demanding." (pg 80)

In other words, if you're receiving no pleasure from the experience, that's OK because it's all about him and his needs. You can let him know how to please you after he falls in love with you. That's what the book is all about, right? Finding a man to fall in love with and marry you.

Also, "don't bring anything--red lightbulbs, scented candles, or X-rated videos--to enhance your sexual experience. If you have to use those things to get him excited, something's wrong." Furthermore the authors add, don't cling to him if he has to leave that night or the following morning. (I'm picturing a grown woman clinging to the man's leg as he drags her across the floor like a small child to a parent.)

The chapter goes on to say, "don't try to keep him there longer by suggesting brunch or sweet rolls and coffee in bed. If you do, he'll porobably run to the nearest coffee shop for breakfast."

Brunch? *pause* Brunch?! Who goes out to brunch? And who randomly has sweet rolls in their kitchen? But wait -- the best is yet to come!

"Instead, go quietly about your business--brush your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, brew coffee--and chances are he'll start massaging your shoulders and suggesting morning sex or a great brunch place."

LMAO. Are you KIDDING me?! Is he massaging me as I do sit-ups or does he wait until I'm stretching? Seriously?! Women believe this shit?

Oh, and if a man doesn't suggest sex in the morning with his already erect penis, than THAT my friend is a problem. What man is going to wait, laying in bed with a hard-on while you busily go about your morning routine of brushing your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, and brew coffee? Please. Show me a man with a hard cock and I'll show you a man who wants sex! Screw "brunch"! I have your brunch right here, baby!

Now that we know we should wait two months before having sex (unless of course we're an 18-year-old virgin), the book advises that "it's only fair that if you're dating a man for a month or two and don't plan to sleep with him for a while to let him know. Otherwise, you're being a tease." BUT, the authors continue, if you're more into sex than he is, The Rules say "if you don't want to feel insecure, then don't initiate sex."

Let me understand. If I am someone other than an 18-year-old virgin, I can have sex in a month or two, but if I don't plan on having sex with him within those two months, I should let him know. Furthermore, if I love sex and he's not that in to it, I should keep it to myself. Tell me again why I'm with a man who doesn't like sex? I don't think I've met a man yet who doesn't love sex. Do they exist? My next question is how did I get to the sex part? On the first three dates I shouldn't look at him or say much of anything, and on the fourth date I should show more of myself, but I must be attentive, a good listener and let him lead ALL conversations. Isn't he bored with me? I would be!! Let's not forget that I also shouldn't tell him what others think about our relationship; that I was a mess before I discovered seminars and gurus; or that he's the first man to treat me with respect. I shouldn't ask about his past relationships, say "we've got to talk," or "overwhelm" him with my career triumphs. In other words, "don't plague him with your neuroses!!"

Ummm, wow. That's a lot of assumptions. I've been on four dates with a man and I'm telling everyone I know, including my personal trainer and mechanic that we're in a "relationship". And evidently I was a complete and utter mess before I met him and was treated disrespectfully by every man that came into my life. Wow. In four pages the authors' summed up my entire life. Are you SERIOUS?!

Let's get back to the sex. So, I'm not supposed to have sex with him too soon, but I shouldn't wait too long either, and I shouldn't initiate sex even if I love sex. And all of this spans a one or two month period but happens after four dates. Got it. THEN when we do finally have sex I should lay there, say nothing, and guide him in no way as to what I like in bed. This will make him fall in love with me and ask me to marry him. Ummm, OK. And after sex I should let him leave if he chooses to, or if he spends the night in my apartment I should wake up and go about my usual business of brushing my hair and teeth, and doing sit-ups and stretches while he lays in bed. OK. Got it.

And the most important portion of this four-page chapter is written in the last paragraph: "whenever you do have sex, always use a condom."

Got it.

Seriously??? Are these women for real?!