September's book club selection was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. I've heard nothing but good things about the trilogy novels so I was naturally excited to read the first book.
I was immediately drawn into the mystery of who was sending a framed dried flower annually...for decades to the rich Henrik Vanger. But then I got bored.
Without giving anything away, I figured out early on that the mystery wasn't what it appeared. One of the main characters, Mikael Blomkvist, was a financial journalist who stepped down from his magazine because he was sued for libel (and would go to jail). In another part of the city, a loner and goth-like Lisbeth Salander works as a kind of private investigator with an amazing ability to hack in to any computer without notice, regardless of security walls. She is hired to dig up information on said journalist.
Meanwhile Henrik Vanger contacts Mikael and offers him a one-year "job" to write the Vanger family history (HOOK), but there's a secret twist: Mikael will really be trying to discover what happened to his great-niece before he dies (LINE). Mikael only agrees to take the job because after the one year, Vanger promised to give him tangible information on the person with whom he libeled -- which will prove that the man really is a criminal (SINKER).
Mikael ends up working with Lisbeth and the two gradually uncover clues and piece things together to discover corruption in the Vanger family. Throughout the book, the reader learns more about the mysterious Lisbeth and gives us a glimpse into why she is the way she is.
Before I go on, I should say that I am not into drawn-out detailed novels unless the details have meaning. I was bored fairly quickly because nothing really happened in the first 100+ pages of the 590 page book. I almost went insane. Seriously, nothing happened. Blah blah blah. As a result, it took me forever to get into the book--and at page 460 or so the story started to get really good.
As far as I'm concerened, the book could have ended 100 pages before it did. The author describes every detail about everything. It's almost like he wrote a screen play instead of a novel. However, all and all, it was a good book, minus the details. *wink*
I swore I wouldn't read the rest of the trilogy, but I read the prologue of The Girl who Played with Fire and was sucked into the story, so we'll see. *wink*
Friday, November 5, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My new dating rules...
OK, my dating techniques haven't worked so far, and since a recent Yahoo article* titled "10 signs your date isn’t The One" makes sense, I'm going to follow it... AND add my own rules! Some of the rules might be obvious, but let me tell you, I've had quite a few losers in my life and it needs to change!
My next man will...
#1 - have friends
#2 - his own life, hobbies, and interests
#3 - respect & understand that I need alone time. Alone time doesn't mean that I'm mad at you or don't like/love you... it simply means I want to be alone.
#4 - have a job and be financially secure. I'm not looking for wealth or to be "taken care of" financially, but if you can't pay your rent/mortgage, forget it.
#5 - have a car. I know I may get flack from this, but too bad. Busses do not come out to my house and I prefer not to be a taxi service. I understand that things happen and vehicles break down (been there too many times), but in general a vehicle is a must.
#6 - live within 30 minutes of my house/work.
#7 - realize that just because I am female does not mean that I will clean the house, do laundry, cook, pack lunches, pay the bills, and cater to your every whim. Men are capable of these things too! We will equally share the responsibility of house-hold chores.
And from the *article's list:
1. Your date is devoted to another.
I do not want a mama's boy. Obviously he loves his mother, but he has a mind of his own and makes his own decisions.
2. Your spending habits don’t match.
See number four above. I don't want to worry about credit card debt; I want to have a savings for trips; I do not need to go out for dinner all the time, nor do I want to eat Ramon noodles every night. I'd like a healthy balance.
3. Your politics are too different.
I would be classified as a democrat. Although I don't think the following things are necessarily "political," they always bring up heated discussions so it's important to mention. I love the earth and I want people to treat her kindly and with love. We (Americans) pollute & trash the earth like it will be around forever; we waste energy and natural resources without care. It needs to stop. I am an advocate for recycling and social justice/human rights. Ask anyone who has dared use Styrofoam in my presence or threw a pop can/bottle or a pile of paper into the trash. Basically if you don't recycle or appreciate other cultures (ethnic or otherwise), we won't last. I am very passionate about many issues and I communicate that passion. I am not perfect in my beliefs, but I try and expect the same in my partner.
4. Your sweetie just doesn’t get your jokes.
I do not appreciate what I call "stupid" humor. I do not think the movie Dumb and Dumber is funny. I do not like Jeff Foxworthy or other blue collar comedy. I'm not saying that none of the jokes are funny, but generally speaking, I do not like "stupid" humor.
5. Your love interest isn’t ready.
I sometimes wonder if this is me... but that's another blog topic! ;)
6. Your honey wants kids and you don’t (or vice versa).
I'm upfront about this with everyone. I do not want children, nor do I want to be a mother to your child/ren. Don't get me wrong, I like children and I love my friends' children. I don't want to raise children or be around them 24/7. If you have children and are involved in their life, I think that's terrific! More fathers need to be like you. BUT children are not for me.
7. Your tastes are too different.
If you enjoy camping in tents, cooking over a fire, and using the great outdoors as your bathroom, that's not something I wish to experience again. I don't want to stay in high-end hotels when I travel, but I don't want to sleep where little creatures roam. In Europe, I like small hotels and mom-&-pop places over the American hotels.
If your idea of a perfect home includes lots of farmland and chickens, that's not who I am. I know where meat comes from, but I do not want to see it running around in my yard.
I prefer to live close to work and not have to deal with sitting in traffic. I like the suburbs where it's quieter, but still close enough to 24/7 grocery stores and evening activities should I decide to do something fun.
8. Your lifestyles clash.
I think #7 sums up this as well.
9. Your first connection fizzles.
Makes sense. LOL
And finally, I'll let #10 speak for itself:
10. Your relationship has you on edge. “I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. “When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.”
* http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=8582&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=692725
My next man will...
#1 - have friends
#2 - his own life, hobbies, and interests
#3 - respect & understand that I need alone time. Alone time doesn't mean that I'm mad at you or don't like/love you... it simply means I want to be alone.
#4 - have a job and be financially secure. I'm not looking for wealth or to be "taken care of" financially, but if you can't pay your rent/mortgage, forget it.
#5 - have a car. I know I may get flack from this, but too bad. Busses do not come out to my house and I prefer not to be a taxi service. I understand that things happen and vehicles break down (been there too many times), but in general a vehicle is a must.
#6 - live within 30 minutes of my house/work.
#7 - realize that just because I am female does not mean that I will clean the house, do laundry, cook, pack lunches, pay the bills, and cater to your every whim. Men are capable of these things too! We will equally share the responsibility of house-hold chores.
And from the *article's list:
1. Your date is devoted to another.
I do not want a mama's boy. Obviously he loves his mother, but he has a mind of his own and makes his own decisions.
2. Your spending habits don’t match.
See number four above. I don't want to worry about credit card debt; I want to have a savings for trips; I do not need to go out for dinner all the time, nor do I want to eat Ramon noodles every night. I'd like a healthy balance.
3. Your politics are too different.
I would be classified as a democrat. Although I don't think the following things are necessarily "political," they always bring up heated discussions so it's important to mention. I love the earth and I want people to treat her kindly and with love. We (Americans) pollute & trash the earth like it will be around forever; we waste energy and natural resources without care. It needs to stop. I am an advocate for recycling and social justice/human rights. Ask anyone who has dared use Styrofoam in my presence or threw a pop can/bottle or a pile of paper into the trash. Basically if you don't recycle or appreciate other cultures (ethnic or otherwise), we won't last. I am very passionate about many issues and I communicate that passion. I am not perfect in my beliefs, but I try and expect the same in my partner.
4. Your sweetie just doesn’t get your jokes.
I do not appreciate what I call "stupid" humor. I do not think the movie Dumb and Dumber is funny. I do not like Jeff Foxworthy or other blue collar comedy. I'm not saying that none of the jokes are funny, but generally speaking, I do not like "stupid" humor.
5. Your love interest isn’t ready.
I sometimes wonder if this is me... but that's another blog topic! ;)
6. Your honey wants kids and you don’t (or vice versa).
I'm upfront about this with everyone. I do not want children, nor do I want to be a mother to your child/ren. Don't get me wrong, I like children and I love my friends' children. I don't want to raise children or be around them 24/7. If you have children and are involved in their life, I think that's terrific! More fathers need to be like you. BUT children are not for me.
7. Your tastes are too different.
If you enjoy camping in tents, cooking over a fire, and using the great outdoors as your bathroom, that's not something I wish to experience again. I don't want to stay in high-end hotels when I travel, but I don't want to sleep where little creatures roam. In Europe, I like small hotels and mom-&-pop places over the American hotels.
If your idea of a perfect home includes lots of farmland and chickens, that's not who I am. I know where meat comes from, but I do not want to see it running around in my yard.
I prefer to live close to work and not have to deal with sitting in traffic. I like the suburbs where it's quieter, but still close enough to 24/7 grocery stores and evening activities should I decide to do something fun.
8. Your lifestyles clash.
I think #7 sums up this as well.
9. Your first connection fizzles.
Makes sense. LOL
And finally, I'll let #10 speak for itself:
10. Your relationship has you on edge. “I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. “When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.”
* http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=8582&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=692725
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Finding Myself, part 3
Finding Myself, part 3
The ACA "red book" says that as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, we have great difficulty accepting love. This isn't a shaming statement or a prediction of doom. As children and teens we were not given a true or consistent example of love. So how can we recognize it as adults? I struggle with this a lot, and to be clear, I'm referring to ALL types of love. I constantly wonder why people would bother to love me. What's lovable about ME? I can easily and very quickly name 100 things that are wrong with me. But can I name even half that number of things I not only like, but LOVE about myself. I doubt it.
The "love" I learned from my parents was really codependency. Codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the co-dependent or Adult Child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth. Wow. This completely describes me! I'd much rather focus on other people, help them with their problems, listen to their stories than work on myself. The book further says, "A codependent focuses on other and their problems to such an extent that the codependent's life is often adversely affected. In addition to emotional suffering, codependents can suffer from serious or chronic physical illnesses" (i.e. stomach problems, severe headaches, insomnia). I often have migraines and I could sleep all day long if I didn't feel guilty for not doing anything!
By attending ACA meetings "we realize we could not have reacted another way given our dysfunctional upbringing. As children we focused on the odd or neglectful nature of our parent's behavior. We mistakenly thought we caused their moods or attitudes or could do something to change circumstances." (pg 7)
I remember *that* clearly. As I've said before, I didn't know my father was an alcoholic until I was in college. He didn't slur his words or stumble around the house drunk like you see in the movies. Regardless, I was afraid of him yelling at me for anything. I was always extra quiet when he was home. If I walked into the house after an exciting day with my friends and I forgot to come into the house quietly, I was greeted with, "Here comes 'big mouth,' there won't be peace around HERE anymore!" As a child of an alcoholic I took responsibility for my father's feelings and poor behavior. If only I wasn't so loud... If only I stayed outside longer... If only I came home earlier... If only I was a better daughter... If only...
By living this way (as many ACA do) I developed a dependent false self that constantly sought outward affection, recognition, and praise, but secretly believed I didn't deserve it. Unfortunately not much has changed for me in this regard. I'm working on it, but I am finding it difficult. When you're called names throughout your childhood, by a parent no less, how do you let that go? When you're told something enough, you believe it... The answer is to replace those hurtful words from a sick man with positive words. Sadly, that's more difficult than I thought it would be. For 40 years I've had Negative Nelly in my head and she's quite comfortable; she's familiar with the territory.
The book also says that, "Many adult children arrive at their adult years with an over-developed sense of responsibility, which they communicate as love or nurturing care. This behavior is a disguise to get the love we never received as children. Before recovery, many adult children had relationships in which they thought they were in love with another person. In reality, they were trapping or manipulating that person to extract affection. This behavior creates the response we fear the most -- abandonment." (pg 7)
On Friday night my friends and I were discussing a male friend I've been talking to, and one of them said something like, "[He] adores you! And it's not that he just wants to sleep with you because if it was, he wouldn't still be around. You need to accept that he adores you and let him. Stop trying to control the situation by denying that he adores you. Unless you let go, become vulnerable to getting hurt, be vulnerable to [him], you won't know what it feels like to be adored. You are closing yourself off to a wonderful experience." Intellectually I know she is right, but it was confirmed on a deeper level--my soul knew she was right--because tears filled my eyes.
I can't lose control.
I can't let go.
I don't know how to let go.
I'm afraid to let go.
What's going to happen if I let go?
What if I fall...
What if I fail...
What if I never recover...
My world is filled with "what if's..."
Intellectually I know that I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment. I know I will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings. I know that this illusion of being in control is not effective. And yes, I am aware that this stems from what I received as a child from living with a sick father who was not there for me emotionally. I KNOW these things. But knowing and FEELING are not the same thing. How do I let go? I hear people say, "Let go and let God," but I don't know HOW to do that. I believe in God. I believe in a loving God. I pray. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes, just learning opportunities. BUT... how do you turn your will and your life over to the care of God? *That* is my question for you.
(As stated, some portions of this blog were borrowed from the Adult Children of Alcoholics "red book")
The ACA "red book" says that as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, we have great difficulty accepting love. This isn't a shaming statement or a prediction of doom. As children and teens we were not given a true or consistent example of love. So how can we recognize it as adults? I struggle with this a lot, and to be clear, I'm referring to ALL types of love. I constantly wonder why people would bother to love me. What's lovable about ME? I can easily and very quickly name 100 things that are wrong with me. But can I name even half that number of things I not only like, but LOVE about myself. I doubt it.
The "love" I learned from my parents was really codependency. Codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the co-dependent or Adult Child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth. Wow. This completely describes me! I'd much rather focus on other people, help them with their problems, listen to their stories than work on myself. The book further says, "A codependent focuses on other and their problems to such an extent that the codependent's life is often adversely affected. In addition to emotional suffering, codependents can suffer from serious or chronic physical illnesses" (i.e. stomach problems, severe headaches, insomnia). I often have migraines and I could sleep all day long if I didn't feel guilty for not doing anything!
By attending ACA meetings "we realize we could not have reacted another way given our dysfunctional upbringing. As children we focused on the odd or neglectful nature of our parent's behavior. We mistakenly thought we caused their moods or attitudes or could do something to change circumstances." (pg 7)
I remember *that* clearly. As I've said before, I didn't know my father was an alcoholic until I was in college. He didn't slur his words or stumble around the house drunk like you see in the movies. Regardless, I was afraid of him yelling at me for anything. I was always extra quiet when he was home. If I walked into the house after an exciting day with my friends and I forgot to come into the house quietly, I was greeted with, "Here comes 'big mouth,' there won't be peace around HERE anymore!" As a child of an alcoholic I took responsibility for my father's feelings and poor behavior. If only I wasn't so loud... If only I stayed outside longer... If only I came home earlier... If only I was a better daughter... If only...
By living this way (as many ACA do) I developed a dependent false self that constantly sought outward affection, recognition, and praise, but secretly believed I didn't deserve it. Unfortunately not much has changed for me in this regard. I'm working on it, but I am finding it difficult. When you're called names throughout your childhood, by a parent no less, how do you let that go? When you're told something enough, you believe it... The answer is to replace those hurtful words from a sick man with positive words. Sadly, that's more difficult than I thought it would be. For 40 years I've had Negative Nelly in my head and she's quite comfortable; she's familiar with the territory.
The book also says that, "Many adult children arrive at their adult years with an over-developed sense of responsibility, which they communicate as love or nurturing care. This behavior is a disguise to get the love we never received as children. Before recovery, many adult children had relationships in which they thought they were in love with another person. In reality, they were trapping or manipulating that person to extract affection. This behavior creates the response we fear the most -- abandonment." (pg 7)
On Friday night my friends and I were discussing a male friend I've been talking to, and one of them said something like, "[He] adores you! And it's not that he just wants to sleep with you because if it was, he wouldn't still be around. You need to accept that he adores you and let him. Stop trying to control the situation by denying that he adores you. Unless you let go, become vulnerable to getting hurt, be vulnerable to [him], you won't know what it feels like to be adored. You are closing yourself off to a wonderful experience." Intellectually I know she is right, but it was confirmed on a deeper level--my soul knew she was right--because tears filled my eyes.
I can't lose control.
I can't let go.
I don't know how to let go.
I'm afraid to let go.
What's going to happen if I let go?
What if I fall...
What if I fail...
What if I never recover...
My world is filled with "what if's..."
Intellectually I know that I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment. I know I will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings. I know that this illusion of being in control is not effective. And yes, I am aware that this stems from what I received as a child from living with a sick father who was not there for me emotionally. I KNOW these things. But knowing and FEELING are not the same thing. How do I let go? I hear people say, "Let go and let God," but I don't know HOW to do that. I believe in God. I believe in a loving God. I pray. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes, just learning opportunities. BUT... how do you turn your will and your life over to the care of God? *That* is my question for you.
(As stated, some portions of this blog were borrowed from the Adult Children of Alcoholics "red book")
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The Rules, part 4
Rule #19: Don't open up too fast.
"Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, beinging up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem--all in an attempt to bind with this new man."
Again the authors assume every woman reading this book has been in therapy, that therapy "conditions" women, and that all women read self-help books. Wow. Really?
The authors say that at the end of the first date, he should know your name, profession, how many siblings you have, where you went to college, where you grew up, and your favorite restaurant. The next sentence reads, "Don't reprimand him for picking you up thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and explain that "abandonment" is one of your issues in therapy."
WHAT?! OK first, he shows up THIRTY MINUTES LATE and you STILL go out with him? There should be a rule about THAT! Where's *that* rule in the book?! Second, WHO in their right mind then tells her date that she felt *abandoned* by his extreme tardiness? Seriously?!!
They go on to write, "No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you." Later when things get serious you're supposed to tell him casually and slowly. "Don't be burdensome," they add. "Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, "No. I never drink. I hot a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA." Just say, "No, thanks," and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him..."
Seriously? If you're a recovering alcoholic and are in AA, why not tell him you don't drink? What if he gets the bottle of wine regardless? Come on, people. So you're going to NOT say something in case what, he runs away? I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink and it has never been an issue. If he asks to meet me for a drink, I will, and I'll order a Mountain Dew or a Shirley Temple. No problem. I don't drink coffee either, but if I'm asked on a coffee date, do I grand stand and say I don't drink coffee? No. Order something else for crying out loud.
The authors do say that you shouldn't hide or lie about bad things in your life, and they add, by the time you are engaged, he should know allthat really matters about you and your family and your past. "It is morally wrong to accpet an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share." (pg 94)
Wow. I'm trying to keep all 19 rules in my head right now. Let's see... on the first three dates you don't look at him; the fourth you tell him a little bit about yourself; you're an alcoholic but you don't tell him that becuase he might not understand or he'll say, "just have one"; and you should sleep with him within two months (unless you're an 18-year old virgin, of course), but if you don't plan on sleeping with him within two months you should let him know, and now you should remain "mysterious" on your dates and don't tell him too much about yourself, as you are *conditioned* to do from your therapist, which obviously you are seeing. OK. Can't wait to read Rule #20.
"Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, beinging up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem--all in an attempt to bind with this new man."
Again the authors assume every woman reading this book has been in therapy, that therapy "conditions" women, and that all women read self-help books. Wow. Really?
The authors say that at the end of the first date, he should know your name, profession, how many siblings you have, where you went to college, where you grew up, and your favorite restaurant. The next sentence reads, "Don't reprimand him for picking you up thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and explain that "abandonment" is one of your issues in therapy."
WHAT?! OK first, he shows up THIRTY MINUTES LATE and you STILL go out with him? There should be a rule about THAT! Where's *that* rule in the book?! Second, WHO in their right mind then tells her date that she felt *abandoned* by his extreme tardiness? Seriously?!!
They go on to write, "No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you." Later when things get serious you're supposed to tell him casually and slowly. "Don't be burdensome," they add. "Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, "No. I never drink. I hot a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA." Just say, "No, thanks," and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him..."
Seriously? If you're a recovering alcoholic and are in AA, why not tell him you don't drink? What if he gets the bottle of wine regardless? Come on, people. So you're going to NOT say something in case what, he runs away? I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink and it has never been an issue. If he asks to meet me for a drink, I will, and I'll order a Mountain Dew or a Shirley Temple. No problem. I don't drink coffee either, but if I'm asked on a coffee date, do I grand stand and say I don't drink coffee? No. Order something else for crying out loud.
The authors do say that you shouldn't hide or lie about bad things in your life, and they add, by the time you are engaged, he should know allthat really matters about you and your family and your past. "It is morally wrong to accpet an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share." (pg 94)
Wow. I'm trying to keep all 19 rules in my head right now. Let's see... on the first three dates you don't look at him; the fourth you tell him a little bit about yourself; you're an alcoholic but you don't tell him that becuase he might not understand or he'll say, "just have one"; and you should sleep with him within two months (unless you're an 18-year old virgin, of course), but if you don't plan on sleeping with him within two months you should let him know, and now you should remain "mysterious" on your dates and don't tell him too much about yourself, as you are *conditioned* to do from your therapist, which obviously you are seeing. OK. Can't wait to read Rule #20.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Rules, part 3
Rule #17: Let him take the lead.
This not-quite two-page chapter makes me want to take the book and bash it upside the heads of the authors--if I thought it would do any good. If the pages were made of thin concrete I might consider tracking them down. I feel I must defend myself somehow; explain that I'm not a bra-burning "feminist" of the 1960's, although perhaps if I were of that era, I might have been. This chapter goes against everything inside of me as a woman. It's difficult to discuss the chapter without letting you read it, so let's begin.
"Dating is like slow dancing. The man must take the lead or you fall over your feet. He should be the first to say "I love you," "I miss you," "I've told my parents so much about you. They can't wait to meet you."
"He should be an open book, you should be a mystery. Don't tell him he's the first person you've felt this way about in a long time, or that you never thought you'd fall in love again.
Remember, let him take the lead. He declares love first, just as he picks most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes ask you for you preference, in which case you can tell him."
Really? I read this aloud to a few coworkers one evening and one of the guys said, "Really? I HATE it when I ask a girl what movie she wants to see and she says, 'I don't know; what do YOU want to see?' If I didn't want her opinion, I wouldn't have asked. Why do I always have to decide what we're going to do. I don't want someone who can't think for herself." That about sums it up. I'm so glad they said that if he asks, you can answer. Let me just say that if I was dating a guy and he took me to a country concert without asking my preference, I don't even think I'd stay past the opening band. Nothing against country music, it's just not my thing. But don't worry, the above paragraphs are the least of your worries in this chapter!
"You should meet his parents before he meets yours, unless of course, he picks you up at your parents' house." OK, again, the target audience of this book are what... 14 to 18-year olds? The authors give tips on not letting your parents linger with your date too long, and also remind you that you should be ready to go when he arrives so your parents don't ask him embarrassing questions. Again... 15 year olds??
Furthermore, they add the same rule applies to your friends. "He should introduce you to his friends before you introduce him to yours. You should double date with his married or dating friends before you double with yours."
Here's the kicker. It is seldom that I am at a loss for words, but this time, I don't even know where to begin. Therefore, I will end with their final paragraph of the chapter and let your head explode as well.
"Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually meet all of your friends and family. Until then, just follow his lead!"
This not-quite two-page chapter makes me want to take the book and bash it upside the heads of the authors--if I thought it would do any good. If the pages were made of thin concrete I might consider tracking them down. I feel I must defend myself somehow; explain that I'm not a bra-burning "feminist" of the 1960's, although perhaps if I were of that era, I might have been. This chapter goes against everything inside of me as a woman. It's difficult to discuss the chapter without letting you read it, so let's begin.
"Dating is like slow dancing. The man must take the lead or you fall over your feet. He should be the first to say "I love you," "I miss you," "I've told my parents so much about you. They can't wait to meet you."
"He should be an open book, you should be a mystery. Don't tell him he's the first person you've felt this way about in a long time, or that you never thought you'd fall in love again.
Remember, let him take the lead. He declares love first, just as he picks most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes ask you for you preference, in which case you can tell him."
Really? I read this aloud to a few coworkers one evening and one of the guys said, "Really? I HATE it when I ask a girl what movie she wants to see and she says, 'I don't know; what do YOU want to see?' If I didn't want her opinion, I wouldn't have asked. Why do I always have to decide what we're going to do. I don't want someone who can't think for herself." That about sums it up. I'm so glad they said that if he asks, you can answer. Let me just say that if I was dating a guy and he took me to a country concert without asking my preference, I don't even think I'd stay past the opening band. Nothing against country music, it's just not my thing. But don't worry, the above paragraphs are the least of your worries in this chapter!
"You should meet his parents before he meets yours, unless of course, he picks you up at your parents' house." OK, again, the target audience of this book are what... 14 to 18-year olds? The authors give tips on not letting your parents linger with your date too long, and also remind you that you should be ready to go when he arrives so your parents don't ask him embarrassing questions. Again... 15 year olds??
Furthermore, they add the same rule applies to your friends. "He should introduce you to his friends before you introduce him to yours. You should double date with his married or dating friends before you double with yours."
Here's the kicker. It is seldom that I am at a loss for words, but this time, I don't even know where to begin. Therefore, I will end with their final paragraph of the chapter and let your head explode as well.
"Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually meet all of your friends and family. Until then, just follow his lead!"
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Book review: Look Again by Lisa Scottoline
I purchased Look Again by Lisa Scottoline in March, hoping it would be a book club selection. My wish came true in August! The 373 pages of the 5x7" paperback-like novel did not disappoint.
The book poses the question, what would you do if the face in a missing child photo was your son's?
After she received the postcard in the mail and sees the uncanny similarities, journalist Ellen Gleeson can't let the thought go even though she knows that the adoption of her son was legal. She recalls visiting the hospital every day for another story and seeing the little one year old boy recovering from heart surgery with no family members around to support him. She looks into his beautiful blue eyes, falls in love, and adopts him.
Fast forward two years to the cold winter morning she received the postcard in the mail. From that day forward, she couldn't let go of the fact that the child in the postcard looked a lot like her three year old son, despite the fact that the child in the postcard was a computerized composite-aged sketch. To find out more about the woman who gave up her son for adoption, Ellen contacted the lawyer who drew up the adoption papers only to discover she had committed suicide soon after the adoption was finalized.
Ellen hits another dead-end in her attempt to find out if her son Will is really the kidnapped boy Timothy from the postcard when her next lead suddenly dies of a suspicious overdose. Ellen takes things into her own hands and flies to the missing boy's hometown and essentially stalks the boy's grief-stricken parents in an attemot to somehow get DNA smaples from them without their knowledge.
All of this is happening as the newspaper for which she works is laying people off because of the economy, and she and her handsome single Latin editor deny their feelings for one another.
Her search for the truth endangers her life and that of her son's. There are a couple of surprising twists in the storyline, although one of the "surprises" was predictable. But in this case, I'll let it slide.
Look Again brings up many good questions, and is a novel that will leave a parent thinking for a long, long time.
The book poses the question, what would you do if the face in a missing child photo was your son's?
After she received the postcard in the mail and sees the uncanny similarities, journalist Ellen Gleeson can't let the thought go even though she knows that the adoption of her son was legal. She recalls visiting the hospital every day for another story and seeing the little one year old boy recovering from heart surgery with no family members around to support him. She looks into his beautiful blue eyes, falls in love, and adopts him.
Fast forward two years to the cold winter morning she received the postcard in the mail. From that day forward, she couldn't let go of the fact that the child in the postcard looked a lot like her three year old son, despite the fact that the child in the postcard was a computerized composite-aged sketch. To find out more about the woman who gave up her son for adoption, Ellen contacted the lawyer who drew up the adoption papers only to discover she had committed suicide soon after the adoption was finalized.
Ellen hits another dead-end in her attempt to find out if her son Will is really the kidnapped boy Timothy from the postcard when her next lead suddenly dies of a suspicious overdose. Ellen takes things into her own hands and flies to the missing boy's hometown and essentially stalks the boy's grief-stricken parents in an attemot to somehow get DNA smaples from them without their knowledge.
All of this is happening as the newspaper for which she works is laying people off because of the economy, and she and her handsome single Latin editor deny their feelings for one another.
Her search for the truth endangers her life and that of her son's. There are a couple of surprising twists in the storyline, although one of the "surprises" was predictable. But in this case, I'll let it slide.
Look Again brings up many good questions, and is a novel that will leave a parent thinking for a long, long time.
The Rules, part 2
Let's talk about sex, baby!
Now let's get to the important part of The Rules...what everyone wants to know. When can you have sex? The Rules depends on your age and personal feelings. The book reads, "If you're eighteen and a virgin, you will want to wait until you are in a committed relationship. If you're thirty-nine, waiting a month or two can be fine." (This four-page chapter doesn't have any suggestions for those aged 19-38.)
The authors tell you that you shouldn't be surprised if a man gets angry if you don't invite him into your apartment for a drink after the second date. They say, "he has probably been spoiled by other women who slept with him on the first or second date and now he feels denied this pleasure." (pg 78). Don't worry, the authors say, because anger indicates interest.
Woah. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Anger = interest. Wow. Wouldn't women's advocates and special victim units across the country like to get a hold of the women who wrote that statement?!! Ummm, how about if he gets angry because you won't f*ck him on the second date, that you ditch his sorry ass? How about that?
Next the book asks a question many of you are asking yourself: But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? The answer is still no. "You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here," the authors state. (Character-building?! Why is a woman who loves sex lacking in character?)
The authors continue, "Why risk having him call you easy when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day?" (The locker room? Is this book for high school girls?)
Argue all you want, the authors say; tell yourself that you don't mind if he doesn't call again after you have sex; lie to yourself, because you DO care that he calls again.
Once you're ready to have sex The Rules say that you must "stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets." (Evidently you should lay there silently during your missionary-style sex.) Don't talk about your needs during sex or after sex; don't demand that he do this or that--being in bed with you should not be difficult or demanding." (pg 80)
In other words, if you're receiving no pleasure from the experience, that's OK because it's all about him and his needs. You can let him know how to please you after he falls in love with you. That's what the book is all about, right? Finding a man to fall in love with and marry you.
Also, "don't bring anything--red lightbulbs, scented candles, or X-rated videos--to enhance your sexual experience. If you have to use those things to get him excited, something's wrong." Furthermore the authors add, don't cling to him if he has to leave that night or the following morning. (I'm picturing a grown woman clinging to the man's leg as he drags her across the floor like a small child to a parent.)
The chapter goes on to say, "don't try to keep him there longer by suggesting brunch or sweet rolls and coffee in bed. If you do, he'll porobably run to the nearest coffee shop for breakfast."
Brunch? *pause* Brunch?! Who goes out to brunch? And who randomly has sweet rolls in their kitchen? But wait -- the best is yet to come!
"Instead, go quietly about your business--brush your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, brew coffee--and chances are he'll start massaging your shoulders and suggesting morning sex or a great brunch place."
LMAO. Are you KIDDING me?! Is he massaging me as I do sit-ups or does he wait until I'm stretching? Seriously?! Women believe this shit?
Oh, and if a man doesn't suggest sex in the morning with his already erect penis, than THAT my friend is a problem. What man is going to wait, laying in bed with a hard-on while you busily go about your morning routine of brushing your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, and brew coffee? Please. Show me a man with a hard cock and I'll show you a man who wants sex! Screw "brunch"! I have your brunch right here, baby!
Now that we know we should wait two months before having sex (unless of course we're an 18-year-old virgin), the book advises that "it's only fair that if you're dating a man for a month or two and don't plan to sleep with him for a while to let him know. Otherwise, you're being a tease." BUT, the authors continue, if you're more into sex than he is, The Rules say "if you don't want to feel insecure, then don't initiate sex."
Let me understand. If I am someone other than an 18-year-old virgin, I can have sex in a month or two, but if I don't plan on having sex with him within those two months, I should let him know. Furthermore, if I love sex and he's not that in to it, I should keep it to myself. Tell me again why I'm with a man who doesn't like sex? I don't think I've met a man yet who doesn't love sex. Do they exist? My next question is how did I get to the sex part? On the first three dates I shouldn't look at him or say much of anything, and on the fourth date I should show more of myself, but I must be attentive, a good listener and let him lead ALL conversations. Isn't he bored with me? I would be!! Let's not forget that I also shouldn't tell him what others think about our relationship; that I was a mess before I discovered seminars and gurus; or that he's the first man to treat me with respect. I shouldn't ask about his past relationships, say "we've got to talk," or "overwhelm" him with my career triumphs. In other words, "don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
Ummm, wow. That's a lot of assumptions. I've been on four dates with a man and I'm telling everyone I know, including my personal trainer and mechanic that we're in a "relationship". And evidently I was a complete and utter mess before I met him and was treated disrespectfully by every man that came into my life. Wow. In four pages the authors' summed up my entire life. Are you SERIOUS?!
Let's get back to the sex. So, I'm not supposed to have sex with him too soon, but I shouldn't wait too long either, and I shouldn't initiate sex even if I love sex. And all of this spans a one or two month period but happens after four dates. Got it. THEN when we do finally have sex I should lay there, say nothing, and guide him in no way as to what I like in bed. This will make him fall in love with me and ask me to marry him. Ummm, OK. And after sex I should let him leave if he chooses to, or if he spends the night in my apartment I should wake up and go about my usual business of brushing my hair and teeth, and doing sit-ups and stretches while he lays in bed. OK. Got it.
And the most important portion of this four-page chapter is written in the last paragraph: "whenever you do have sex, always use a condom."
Got it.
Seriously??? Are these women for real?!
Now let's get to the important part of The Rules...what everyone wants to know. When can you have sex? The Rules depends on your age and personal feelings. The book reads, "If you're eighteen and a virgin, you will want to wait until you are in a committed relationship. If you're thirty-nine, waiting a month or two can be fine." (This four-page chapter doesn't have any suggestions for those aged 19-38.)
The authors tell you that you shouldn't be surprised if a man gets angry if you don't invite him into your apartment for a drink after the second date. They say, "he has probably been spoiled by other women who slept with him on the first or second date and now he feels denied this pleasure." (pg 78). Don't worry, the authors say, because anger indicates interest.
Woah. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Anger = interest. Wow. Wouldn't women's advocates and special victim units across the country like to get a hold of the women who wrote that statement?!! Ummm, how about if he gets angry because you won't f*ck him on the second date, that you ditch his sorry ass? How about that?
Next the book asks a question many of you are asking yourself: But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? The answer is still no. "You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here," the authors state. (Character-building?! Why is a woman who loves sex lacking in character?)
The authors continue, "Why risk having him call you easy when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day?" (The locker room? Is this book for high school girls?)
Argue all you want, the authors say; tell yourself that you don't mind if he doesn't call again after you have sex; lie to yourself, because you DO care that he calls again.
Once you're ready to have sex The Rules say that you must "stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets." (Evidently you should lay there silently during your missionary-style sex.) Don't talk about your needs during sex or after sex; don't demand that he do this or that--being in bed with you should not be difficult or demanding." (pg 80)
In other words, if you're receiving no pleasure from the experience, that's OK because it's all about him and his needs. You can let him know how to please you after he falls in love with you. That's what the book is all about, right? Finding a man to fall in love with and marry you.
Also, "don't bring anything--red lightbulbs, scented candles, or X-rated videos--to enhance your sexual experience. If you have to use those things to get him excited, something's wrong." Furthermore the authors add, don't cling to him if he has to leave that night or the following morning. (I'm picturing a grown woman clinging to the man's leg as he drags her across the floor like a small child to a parent.)
The chapter goes on to say, "don't try to keep him there longer by suggesting brunch or sweet rolls and coffee in bed. If you do, he'll porobably run to the nearest coffee shop for breakfast."
Brunch? *pause* Brunch?! Who goes out to brunch? And who randomly has sweet rolls in their kitchen? But wait -- the best is yet to come!
"Instead, go quietly about your business--brush your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, brew coffee--and chances are he'll start massaging your shoulders and suggesting morning sex or a great brunch place."
LMAO. Are you KIDDING me?! Is he massaging me as I do sit-ups or does he wait until I'm stretching? Seriously?! Women believe this shit?
Oh, and if a man doesn't suggest sex in the morning with his already erect penis, than THAT my friend is a problem. What man is going to wait, laying in bed with a hard-on while you busily go about your morning routine of brushing your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, and brew coffee? Please. Show me a man with a hard cock and I'll show you a man who wants sex! Screw "brunch"! I have your brunch right here, baby!
Now that we know we should wait two months before having sex (unless of course we're an 18-year-old virgin), the book advises that "it's only fair that if you're dating a man for a month or two and don't plan to sleep with him for a while to let him know. Otherwise, you're being a tease." BUT, the authors continue, if you're more into sex than he is, The Rules say "if you don't want to feel insecure, then don't initiate sex."
Let me understand. If I am someone other than an 18-year-old virgin, I can have sex in a month or two, but if I don't plan on having sex with him within those two months, I should let him know. Furthermore, if I love sex and he's not that in to it, I should keep it to myself. Tell me again why I'm with a man who doesn't like sex? I don't think I've met a man yet who doesn't love sex. Do they exist? My next question is how did I get to the sex part? On the first three dates I shouldn't look at him or say much of anything, and on the fourth date I should show more of myself, but I must be attentive, a good listener and let him lead ALL conversations. Isn't he bored with me? I would be!! Let's not forget that I also shouldn't tell him what others think about our relationship; that I was a mess before I discovered seminars and gurus; or that he's the first man to treat me with respect. I shouldn't ask about his past relationships, say "we've got to talk," or "overwhelm" him with my career triumphs. In other words, "don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
Ummm, wow. That's a lot of assumptions. I've been on four dates with a man and I'm telling everyone I know, including my personal trainer and mechanic that we're in a "relationship". And evidently I was a complete and utter mess before I met him and was treated disrespectfully by every man that came into my life. Wow. In four pages the authors' summed up my entire life. Are you SERIOUS?!
Let's get back to the sex. So, I'm not supposed to have sex with him too soon, but I shouldn't wait too long either, and I shouldn't initiate sex even if I love sex. And all of this spans a one or two month period but happens after four dates. Got it. THEN when we do finally have sex I should lay there, say nothing, and guide him in no way as to what I like in bed. This will make him fall in love with me and ask me to marry him. Ummm, OK. And after sex I should let him leave if he chooses to, or if he spends the night in my apartment I should wake up and go about my usual business of brushing my hair and teeth, and doing sit-ups and stretches while he lays in bed. OK. Got it.
And the most important portion of this four-page chapter is written in the last paragraph: "whenever you do have sex, always use a condom."
Got it.
Seriously??? Are these women for real?!
The Rules, part 1
My friend was in a book store a few weeks ago, and while waiting in line she picked up and read a few pages of The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. She immediately called me to share the ridiculous writings. Rule #1 - Be a "creature unlike any other." WTH? We chatted as she left for her appointment and decided that if the book was under $10 and/or we found it at Half Priced Books, it would be worth purchasing for entertainment purposes. And that's what she did! She bought the book and we read portions of it during our Burger Quest evening and could not stop laughing.
What are The Rules? As the book states, "They are a simple way of acting around men that can help any woman win the heart of the man of her dreams."
Rule #9 informed readers "How to act on dates 1, 2, and 3." Well, not really because dates 2 and 3 are mentioned only briefly at the end of the three-page chapter. The booked instructs the reader to not think of him [your date] before he arrives because "it isn't necessary for the first three dates." You're supposed to be busy right up until the minute he "buzzes you from downstairs."
One, I find it amusing that they assume everyone lives in an apartment, as that reference is mentioned throughout the book. Two, I wonder how one doesn't think about her date before the date? Is it possible? And "be busy until the minute he arrives." Busy doing what, exactly? Fear not -- the book has suggestions! Go to the gym, take a long hot bubble bath, see a movie (a comedy; no romances, it warns), get a manicure or pedicure, shop for clothes or a bottle of perfume, take a nap, or read a book or the newspaper. The author adds, "If you're busy all day, you won't be so needy and empty when he picks you up." Wow. Needy? Empty?? This book is full of assumptions about single women.
Next, it says, all you really have to do on the first three dates is "show up, relax, [and] pretend you're an actress making a cameo appearance in a movie." Don't tell him about your day; don't be too serious, controlling, or wifey; don't mention the M word; be sweet and light; laugh at his jokes; smile a lot; and don't feel obligated to fill up the lulls in the conversation. (Wifey? What does that even mean...?)
The authors instruct you on thinking as well: "If you have to think about something, think about your date with another man that week." And always end the date/phone conversation first, if you like him (to leave him wanting more, of course!). The authors even have timelines to follow; two hours for a drink date and three or four hours for a dinner date, and suggest that you end the date by saying, "Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow."
The first three dates are about dressing nice, being nice, saying good-bye, and going home (alone, of course). Period. You want to get married, afterall. Anyone can have a one-night stand!
Rule #10 has information on "How to act on dates 4 through commitment time." On the fourth date you can show more of yourself. You can look at him (which you cannot do on the first three dates), be attentive, and be a good listener so that he knows you would "make a supportive wife." He must take the lead on all conversations.
According to The Rules, here's a list of don'ts that, should you do them, will surely lead you to be lonely for all of eternity.
"Don't tell him what your astrologist, nutirtionist, personal trainer, shrink, or yoga instructor thinks about your relationship with him.
"Don't tell him what a mess you were before you discovered seminars and gurus, as in, "My life was such a mess before The Forum (or est).
"Don't tell him he's the first man to treat you with respect. He'll think you're a loser or a tramp.
"Don't give him the third degree about his past relationships.
"Don't say, "We've go to talk" in a serious tone, or he'll bolt from the bar stool.
"Don't overwhelm him with your career triumphs. Try to let him shine.
"Don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
The book adds that you won't have to keep such things to yourslef forever; just for the first few months until he says he's in love with you. It's then you can be more of yourself. It further states that "letting it all hang out too soon is counterproductive to your goals." (Which is marraige, in case you forgot.) (pg 64)
The book goes on to say that many women are CONDITIONED in therapy to open up very soon. That's another theme seen throughout the book -- women being "conditioned" by therapists. The Rules, they say, are about opening up slowly so that men aren't overwhelmed by us. Furthermore, "it's rather selfish and inconsiderate to burden people with our whole lives on a three-hour date." (Evidently it's NOT selfish for a man to talk about himself the entire date.)
Back to ending the date/phone call first. Chapter 11, titled "Always end the date first" says, "ending the first date is not so easy when you really like him and want to marry him, and you're both having a great time." It goes on to say that not ending the date first is bad enough, but what's worse is prolonging the date once it should have been over. Moreover, it should be the man trying to prolong the date. Ummm, wow! On your first date you know you want to marry him. Really? How does *that* work?
I guess if I had been following The Rules, I wouldn't have stayed with my recent ex as long as I did, as rule #12 states that you should stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine's Day. I received nothing from my recent ex on both occasions. Hmmmm... perhaps THIS rule is worth following. *wink*
The book reads, "you might as well call it quits because he's not in love with you and chances are you won't get the most important gift of all: an engagement ring." (pg 69) It goes on to say that when men are in love, they give love objects even if they are on a tight budget. "As most women know, the time a man spends on anything is virtually priceless." If a man is crazy about you, he will give you all kinds of things all the time because you're always on his mind. The chapter ends with, "It's about determing whether a man is truly in love with you and, if not, going on to the next. If you end up marrying a man who gives you a briefcase instead of a bracelet on your birthday, you may be doomed to a life of practical, loveless gifts and gestures from him such as food processors, and you may spend thousands of dollars in therapy trying to figure out why there's no romance in your marriage."
Wow.
What are The Rules? As the book states, "They are a simple way of acting around men that can help any woman win the heart of the man of her dreams."
Rule #9 informed readers "How to act on dates 1, 2, and 3." Well, not really because dates 2 and 3 are mentioned only briefly at the end of the three-page chapter. The booked instructs the reader to not think of him [your date] before he arrives because "it isn't necessary for the first three dates." You're supposed to be busy right up until the minute he "buzzes you from downstairs."
One, I find it amusing that they assume everyone lives in an apartment, as that reference is mentioned throughout the book. Two, I wonder how one doesn't think about her date before the date? Is it possible? And "be busy until the minute he arrives." Busy doing what, exactly? Fear not -- the book has suggestions! Go to the gym, take a long hot bubble bath, see a movie (a comedy; no romances, it warns), get a manicure or pedicure, shop for clothes or a bottle of perfume, take a nap, or read a book or the newspaper. The author adds, "If you're busy all day, you won't be so needy and empty when he picks you up." Wow. Needy? Empty?? This book is full of assumptions about single women.
Next, it says, all you really have to do on the first three dates is "show up, relax, [and] pretend you're an actress making a cameo appearance in a movie." Don't tell him about your day; don't be too serious, controlling, or wifey; don't mention the M word; be sweet and light; laugh at his jokes; smile a lot; and don't feel obligated to fill up the lulls in the conversation. (Wifey? What does that even mean...?)
The authors instruct you on thinking as well: "If you have to think about something, think about your date with another man that week." And always end the date/phone conversation first, if you like him (to leave him wanting more, of course!). The authors even have timelines to follow; two hours for a drink date and three or four hours for a dinner date, and suggest that you end the date by saying, "Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow."
The first three dates are about dressing nice, being nice, saying good-bye, and going home (alone, of course). Period. You want to get married, afterall. Anyone can have a one-night stand!
Rule #10 has information on "How to act on dates 4 through commitment time." On the fourth date you can show more of yourself. You can look at him (which you cannot do on the first three dates), be attentive, and be a good listener so that he knows you would "make a supportive wife." He must take the lead on all conversations.
According to The Rules, here's a list of don'ts that, should you do them, will surely lead you to be lonely for all of eternity.
"Don't tell him what your astrologist, nutirtionist, personal trainer, shrink, or yoga instructor thinks about your relationship with him.
"Don't tell him what a mess you were before you discovered seminars and gurus, as in, "My life was such a mess before The Forum (or est).
"Don't tell him he's the first man to treat you with respect. He'll think you're a loser or a tramp.
"Don't give him the third degree about his past relationships.
"Don't say, "We've go to talk" in a serious tone, or he'll bolt from the bar stool.
"Don't overwhelm him with your career triumphs. Try to let him shine.
"Don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
The book adds that you won't have to keep such things to yourslef forever; just for the first few months until he says he's in love with you. It's then you can be more of yourself. It further states that "letting it all hang out too soon is counterproductive to your goals." (Which is marraige, in case you forgot.) (pg 64)
The book goes on to say that many women are CONDITIONED in therapy to open up very soon. That's another theme seen throughout the book -- women being "conditioned" by therapists. The Rules, they say, are about opening up slowly so that men aren't overwhelmed by us. Furthermore, "it's rather selfish and inconsiderate to burden people with our whole lives on a three-hour date." (Evidently it's NOT selfish for a man to talk about himself the entire date.)
Back to ending the date/phone call first. Chapter 11, titled "Always end the date first" says, "ending the first date is not so easy when you really like him and want to marry him, and you're both having a great time." It goes on to say that not ending the date first is bad enough, but what's worse is prolonging the date once it should have been over. Moreover, it should be the man trying to prolong the date. Ummm, wow! On your first date you know you want to marry him. Really? How does *that* work?
I guess if I had been following The Rules, I wouldn't have stayed with my recent ex as long as I did, as rule #12 states that you should stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine's Day. I received nothing from my recent ex on both occasions. Hmmmm... perhaps THIS rule is worth following. *wink*
The book reads, "you might as well call it quits because he's not in love with you and chances are you won't get the most important gift of all: an engagement ring." (pg 69) It goes on to say that when men are in love, they give love objects even if they are on a tight budget. "As most women know, the time a man spends on anything is virtually priceless." If a man is crazy about you, he will give you all kinds of things all the time because you're always on his mind. The chapter ends with, "It's about determing whether a man is truly in love with you and, if not, going on to the next. If you end up marrying a man who gives you a briefcase instead of a bracelet on your birthday, you may be doomed to a life of practical, loveless gifts and gestures from him such as food processors, and you may spend thousands of dollars in therapy trying to figure out why there's no romance in your marriage."
Wow.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Book review: Patty Jane's House of Curl by Lorna Landvik
Patty Jane's House of Curl by Lorna Landvik was not what I expected. When some people from the book club said they "loved" the book because "it was fabulous!", we thought, "Great!" After the previous book (the Bonesetter's Daughter) we needed an easy & fun read.
I'll give it "easy" but "fun" I'm not so sure. The book did have some humorous parts, but it was depressing, sometimes dark, and I have to say incredibly predictable. Don't worry, I won't give anything away. The book takes place in Minnesota so it was neat to "see" the streets and sites back in the 1960's. However, I don't think that non-Minnesotans would truly get the feel for the places the characters visited.
Patty Jane and her sister Harriet grew up in an alcoholic household and pretty much relied on one another to get through life. Patty Jane married a hottie and got pregnant on their wedding night. Thor, her hottie husband disappears days before the baby is born. I must confess that I was thisclose to not reading further until Thor ran head-on into a tree one icy winter evening. I read to find out what happened to him.
After Thor's disappearance and her depressive episode, Patty Jane opens a neighborhood beauty parlor to financially support her family. She soon decides that classes would be a great addition for the ladies who come to the shop, so she offers a variety of classes, ranging from art to Hollywood gossip. Her mother-in-law, now living with Patty Jane, bakes delicious Norwegian treats for the women to enjoy with theior coffee and tea, and Harriet, an incredibly gifted and multi-talented artist, sometimes plays harp. Of course the women in the beauty parlor gossip as well.
I must confess that I did get misty-eyed near the end of the novel, which means that Lorna Landcik did a great job in developing a few characters. I'll give her props for that. However, of all of the book club picks, this is at the bottom of the list for me. Sorry Patty Jane. You're just not my cup of tea (pun intended).
I'll give it "easy" but "fun" I'm not so sure. The book did have some humorous parts, but it was depressing, sometimes dark, and I have to say incredibly predictable. Don't worry, I won't give anything away. The book takes place in Minnesota so it was neat to "see" the streets and sites back in the 1960's. However, I don't think that non-Minnesotans would truly get the feel for the places the characters visited.
Patty Jane and her sister Harriet grew up in an alcoholic household and pretty much relied on one another to get through life. Patty Jane married a hottie and got pregnant on their wedding night. Thor, her hottie husband disappears days before the baby is born. I must confess that I was thisclose to not reading further until Thor ran head-on into a tree one icy winter evening. I read to find out what happened to him.
After Thor's disappearance and her depressive episode, Patty Jane opens a neighborhood beauty parlor to financially support her family. She soon decides that classes would be a great addition for the ladies who come to the shop, so she offers a variety of classes, ranging from art to Hollywood gossip. Her mother-in-law, now living with Patty Jane, bakes delicious Norwegian treats for the women to enjoy with theior coffee and tea, and Harriet, an incredibly gifted and multi-talented artist, sometimes plays harp. Of course the women in the beauty parlor gossip as well.
I must confess that I did get misty-eyed near the end of the novel, which means that Lorna Landcik did a great job in developing a few characters. I'll give her props for that. However, of all of the book club picks, this is at the bottom of the list for me. Sorry Patty Jane. You're just not my cup of tea (pun intended).
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Book review: Silent Killer by Beverly Barton
I have to admit that I love suspense, psychological horror, and murder mystery novels. My first favorite "adult" author was John Saul, whom I discovered when I was 12 years old. I say "adult" author because my readings prior to his novels were youngadult or children's novels, including VC Andrews Flowers in the Attic series. I loved novels that would pull me in on the first page. As an adult, I still enjoy John Saul novels. My favorite authors are John Sandford (of Minnesota!), James Patterson (whose movies can't even touch his novels!), Patricia Cornwell, Sandra Brown, and a sampling of others.
Last year a friend turned me on to Beverly Barton. I was leary at first because my friend loves romance novels; I do not. I was pleasantly surprised. The romance wasn't over-done; it wasn't mushy and filled with hyperbole. It was realistic albeit predictable, but the romance wasn't the focus of the storyline, which is what got me hooked into a great suspense novel.
Beverly Barton's novel Silent Killer didn't disappoint. Someone, believe to be chosen by God to enact His will, is violently murdering men of God because they have committed sins. There are many churches of different faiths in this small Alabama town, and everyone knows everyone, typical of small towns. Also typical of small towns, people have secrets... and secrets have a way of getting out. Murder, rape, "bastard" children, and evil deeds are woven throughout the novel with deep friendships, kindred spirits, and great loves. There were a couple of unexpected twists, although to a seasoned suspense reader, I was correct in my guess of the murderer, but the reason behind it was a twist.
What I did not like were the unanswered questions and loose ends left at the end of the book. The author, aware of this, write a letter to the reader stating that the loose ends will be answered in her next novel, Dead by Midnight. Ummm, thanks...?
Last year a friend turned me on to Beverly Barton. I was leary at first because my friend loves romance novels; I do not. I was pleasantly surprised. The romance wasn't over-done; it wasn't mushy and filled with hyperbole. It was realistic albeit predictable, but the romance wasn't the focus of the storyline, which is what got me hooked into a great suspense novel.
Beverly Barton's novel Silent Killer didn't disappoint. Someone, believe to be chosen by God to enact His will, is violently murdering men of God because they have committed sins. There are many churches of different faiths in this small Alabama town, and everyone knows everyone, typical of small towns. Also typical of small towns, people have secrets... and secrets have a way of getting out. Murder, rape, "bastard" children, and evil deeds are woven throughout the novel with deep friendships, kindred spirits, and great loves. There were a couple of unexpected twists, although to a seasoned suspense reader, I was correct in my guess of the murderer, but the reason behind it was a twist.
What I did not like were the unanswered questions and loose ends left at the end of the book. The author, aware of this, write a letter to the reader stating that the loose ends will be answered in her next novel, Dead by Midnight. Ummm, thanks...?
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
book review: The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan
The book club selection for June was The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan. I wasn't familiar with Amy Tan's work (she authored The Joy Luck Club), so I didn't have preconceived thoughts about this book.
The book is about a mother/daughter relationship and takes place in the past (mother's childhood and young adulthood in China) and the present (in the US). I have to be honest. I had the hardest time getting through "part one" of this book. The relationship between the mother LuLing and daughter Ruth is not a warm one. Ruth also doesn't have a good realtionship with her live-in boyfriend and his two daughters. The first part of the book is quite depressing, which only means that Amy's talent lies in character development.
LuLing refuses to learn English, although she knows a little, which means that Ruth has been translating for her mother since Ruth was able to speak. This mirrors LuLing's relationship with her own mother, which we learn about in "part two." LuLing was afraid of forgetting the past so she wrote it down for her daughter... all in Chinese. The stack of pages were forgotten for years, lying in the bottom of Ruth's desk drawer.
"Part two" was a much quicker read for me because it was the translation of LuLing's writings. It was about LuLing's childhood in China, her youth and young adulthood in an orphanage, and her life in Peking before coming to the United States. During "part two" both the reader and Ruther gained insight into LuLing. And that's where the real beauty lies. Once you get through the rough stuff of part one, you are rewarded with the remainder of the book.
The book is about a mother/daughter relationship and takes place in the past (mother's childhood and young adulthood in China) and the present (in the US). I have to be honest. I had the hardest time getting through "part one" of this book. The relationship between the mother LuLing and daughter Ruth is not a warm one. Ruth also doesn't have a good realtionship with her live-in boyfriend and his two daughters. The first part of the book is quite depressing, which only means that Amy's talent lies in character development.
LuLing refuses to learn English, although she knows a little, which means that Ruth has been translating for her mother since Ruth was able to speak. This mirrors LuLing's relationship with her own mother, which we learn about in "part two." LuLing was afraid of forgetting the past so she wrote it down for her daughter... all in Chinese. The stack of pages were forgotten for years, lying in the bottom of Ruth's desk drawer.
"Part two" was a much quicker read for me because it was the translation of LuLing's writings. It was about LuLing's childhood in China, her youth and young adulthood in an orphanage, and her life in Peking before coming to the United States. During "part two" both the reader and Ruther gained insight into LuLing. And that's where the real beauty lies. Once you get through the rough stuff of part one, you are rewarded with the remainder of the book.
Finding Myself - The Journey, 2
July 6, 2010
All-or-Nothing Thinking
All-or-nothing thinking, also called black-or-white thinking is something ACA have in common. I have it BIG TIME. I never realized I was a black-or-white thinker until I discovered ACA. It was like the sky opened up and everything became clear--again. Perfectionism and control go hand-in-hand with all-or-nothing thinking. Our options melt away and we become fixated and all-or-nothing thinking takes over our thinking process. We are good or bad, right or wrong, all wonderful or all horrible.
With all-or-nothing thinking we don't stop to think about our actions; we push forward with a sense of fear. We react. All-or-nothing thinking happens internally (thoughts) AND externally (verbally). For me, the majority of my all-or-nothing thinking happens inside of my head. It's the nagging voice that constantly tells me, "you're not good enough." It doesn't matter what "it" is, I'm not good enough. When I receive constructive criticism at work, my thoughts go straight to "I suck; I should be fired." All-or-nothing thinking is absolute. Through ACA I learned that this type of thinking is common in unhealthy homes where opinions or thoughts were attacked by the family with sweeping statements. Knowing this helps, but it doesn't stop the all-or-nothing thinking. It doesn't stop the hypercritical thinking of oneself. It's hard to ask for help.
This all-or-nothing thinking has come up twice for me in the last couple of weeks, in significant ways. The first was when I received notice of a position opening in another organization of which I am familiar and very much respect. It was a position I knew I could do well in, and it paid much more than I'm currently making at my full time job. However, after having been working for the same organization for 15+ years, completing that application was purely terrifying. Why? Because in my head, once I submitted the application, that meant I got the job, had to leave all of my friends, learn new skills, be the new person, make new friends, and basically start my life over. That's an example of all-or-nothing thinking. Application = job. Coupled with this way of thinking, is that of the four jobs I've held in my life, I *did* receive the job after completing the application. Notwithstanding with black-or-white thinking, there is no middle. And if I do not consciously think about things, the all-or-nothing thinking takes over, paralyzing me with fear. Application does not equal job. It might not even equal an interview. And from there alone, the all-or-nothing thinking becomes more difficult to control becuase WHY haven't they called? Why aren't I getting an interview? Why...? I know why... because I am not good enough... it all boils down to that one sentence. The bane of my existence. I am not good enough.
Logically I realize this isn't true. But logic and my feelings do not go hand-in-hand in my world. I know that this way of thinking is dysfunctional. I know I should be a thoughtful actor in my life, as opposed to a reactor. However, the voice in my head, that Negative Nelly is always there, whispering, "you're not good enough, Keri"... "something is wrong with you." I've been told that I'm too critical of myself, but what does that mean? Many ACA live in our heads--a lot, and have since children. The all-or-nothing thoughts are so familiar to us that they seem like facts.
The second all-or-nothing moment came last week during a meeting with my supervisor when I was already at a heightened stress level. Since it's still an "ongoing issue" I will refrain from discussing at this time. But you know what? This time it will have a very different outcome than what he is expecting.
All-or-Nothing Thinking
All-or-nothing thinking, also called black-or-white thinking is something ACA have in common. I have it BIG TIME. I never realized I was a black-or-white thinker until I discovered ACA. It was like the sky opened up and everything became clear--again. Perfectionism and control go hand-in-hand with all-or-nothing thinking. Our options melt away and we become fixated and all-or-nothing thinking takes over our thinking process. We are good or bad, right or wrong, all wonderful or all horrible.
With all-or-nothing thinking we don't stop to think about our actions; we push forward with a sense of fear. We react. All-or-nothing thinking happens internally (thoughts) AND externally (verbally). For me, the majority of my all-or-nothing thinking happens inside of my head. It's the nagging voice that constantly tells me, "you're not good enough." It doesn't matter what "it" is, I'm not good enough. When I receive constructive criticism at work, my thoughts go straight to "I suck; I should be fired." All-or-nothing thinking is absolute. Through ACA I learned that this type of thinking is common in unhealthy homes where opinions or thoughts were attacked by the family with sweeping statements. Knowing this helps, but it doesn't stop the all-or-nothing thinking. It doesn't stop the hypercritical thinking of oneself. It's hard to ask for help.
This all-or-nothing thinking has come up twice for me in the last couple of weeks, in significant ways. The first was when I received notice of a position opening in another organization of which I am familiar and very much respect. It was a position I knew I could do well in, and it paid much more than I'm currently making at my full time job. However, after having been working for the same organization for 15+ years, completing that application was purely terrifying. Why? Because in my head, once I submitted the application, that meant I got the job, had to leave all of my friends, learn new skills, be the new person, make new friends, and basically start my life over. That's an example of all-or-nothing thinking. Application = job. Coupled with this way of thinking, is that of the four jobs I've held in my life, I *did* receive the job after completing the application. Notwithstanding with black-or-white thinking, there is no middle. And if I do not consciously think about things, the all-or-nothing thinking takes over, paralyzing me with fear. Application does not equal job. It might not even equal an interview. And from there alone, the all-or-nothing thinking becomes more difficult to control becuase WHY haven't they called? Why aren't I getting an interview? Why...? I know why... because I am not good enough... it all boils down to that one sentence. The bane of my existence. I am not good enough.
Logically I realize this isn't true. But logic and my feelings do not go hand-in-hand in my world. I know that this way of thinking is dysfunctional. I know I should be a thoughtful actor in my life, as opposed to a reactor. However, the voice in my head, that Negative Nelly is always there, whispering, "you're not good enough, Keri"... "something is wrong with you." I've been told that I'm too critical of myself, but what does that mean? Many ACA live in our heads--a lot, and have since children. The all-or-nothing thoughts are so familiar to us that they seem like facts.
The second all-or-nothing moment came last week during a meeting with my supervisor when I was already at a heightened stress level. Since it's still an "ongoing issue" I will refrain from discussing at this time. But you know what? This time it will have a very different outcome than what he is expecting.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Book review: The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
I have to admit that when I heard that the fourth book selection for book club was The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein, I was less than thrilled. The book was written from a dog's viewpoint, and the dog's owner was a race car driver. I am not a fan of dogs and I have little to no interest in race cars. Plus, it was known before-hand that the dog would die.
We decided on another book selection for the month. Unfortunately (or fortunately!) that book was difficult to obtain online or in libraries because it was an older publication, therefore, The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein was selected.
I was able to grab a copy at Target and start reading right away. I was pleasantly surprised. I felt sorry for the dog. I empathized with him. I AGREED with him.
I. Liked. The. Dog.
I liked Enzo the dog. And I related to the owner. Viewing the world through the eyes of a dog kind of makes one appreciate being human. Enzo believed that when a GOOD dog dies, he becomes human in his next life. That was his goal. To become human. To have a tongue made for articulating his words, thumbs to grasp things...
His insight into the world was dead-on; it was amazing. And the art of racing TOTALLY correlates to "the art of" life. Who knew?! For example, "The visble becomes inevitable." How true is that? Set a goal, focus on the "prize", and it will happen. Or, "No race has ever been won in the first corner; many races have been lost there."
Perhaps I think the book is wonderful because I went into the book thinking I wouldn't like it... or perhaps it really is a good book. I laughed, I cried, I got angry, I felt anxious at times, I cheered, laughed some more, and cried again. Enzo's owner goes through difficult times, and Enzo is there with him every step of the way.
I highly recommend The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein.
We decided on another book selection for the month. Unfortunately (or fortunately!) that book was difficult to obtain online or in libraries because it was an older publication, therefore, The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein was selected.
I was able to grab a copy at Target and start reading right away. I was pleasantly surprised. I felt sorry for the dog. I empathized with him. I AGREED with him.
I. Liked. The. Dog.
I liked Enzo the dog. And I related to the owner. Viewing the world through the eyes of a dog kind of makes one appreciate being human. Enzo believed that when a GOOD dog dies, he becomes human in his next life. That was his goal. To become human. To have a tongue made for articulating his words, thumbs to grasp things...
His insight into the world was dead-on; it was amazing. And the art of racing TOTALLY correlates to "the art of" life. Who knew?! For example, "The visble becomes inevitable." How true is that? Set a goal, focus on the "prize", and it will happen. Or, "No race has ever been won in the first corner; many races have been lost there."
Perhaps I think the book is wonderful because I went into the book thinking I wouldn't like it... or perhaps it really is a good book. I laughed, I cried, I got angry, I felt anxious at times, I cheered, laughed some more, and cried again. Enzo's owner goes through difficult times, and Enzo is there with him every step of the way.
I highly recommend The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein.
Book review: Await Your Reply by Dan Chaon
Await Your Reply by Dan Chaon
Wow. This book was wild. When I was about 3/4 of the way through, I called a friend/book club member and asked, "Is this book like Pulp Fiction [the movie]?!" Yes, yes it is. Describing this book is like describing Pulp Fiction. It's something that can't really be done. The book starts at the end, but not... There's a "twist" in the book that some people didn't see coming, while others did.
The book is essentially three separate stories that link up in the final pages, but not in the way that you *think* they will... I was again immediately hooked because the book opens with a college dropout named Ryan, one of three main characters, in the passenger seat of a car with his severed hand sitting next to him in a cooler.
The other main character is Miles, a lonely man in his 30's working for a magic shop, who, in his "spare time", travels around the United States, and the world in search of his paranoid schizophrenic identical twin brother, Hayden, who vanished 10 years ago.
Lucy, the final main character, just finished high school and runs away with her history teacher, George, in pursuit of a new life, with the promises of millions of dollars he claims to have access to.
None of the main characters know one another, but at the end of the book, you find out that they are all connected. The book is like reading three separate stories, all beginning at different spots, and in the end, Pulp-Fiction-style, they all come together, and you think, "oooohhhhh!" and say, "I have to read this again!!"
The characters in the book are unhappy. Unhappy with life, themselves, the world... I don't know what else to say about the book without giving away anything. If you like Pulp Fiction, you'll like this book!
Wow. This book was wild. When I was about 3/4 of the way through, I called a friend/book club member and asked, "Is this book like Pulp Fiction [the movie]?!" Yes, yes it is. Describing this book is like describing Pulp Fiction. It's something that can't really be done. The book starts at the end, but not... There's a "twist" in the book that some people didn't see coming, while others did.
The book is essentially three separate stories that link up in the final pages, but not in the way that you *think* they will... I was again immediately hooked because the book opens with a college dropout named Ryan, one of three main characters, in the passenger seat of a car with his severed hand sitting next to him in a cooler.
The other main character is Miles, a lonely man in his 30's working for a magic shop, who, in his "spare time", travels around the United States, and the world in search of his paranoid schizophrenic identical twin brother, Hayden, who vanished 10 years ago.
Lucy, the final main character, just finished high school and runs away with her history teacher, George, in pursuit of a new life, with the promises of millions of dollars he claims to have access to.
None of the main characters know one another, but at the end of the book, you find out that they are all connected. The book is like reading three separate stories, all beginning at different spots, and in the end, Pulp-Fiction-style, they all come together, and you think, "oooohhhhh!" and say, "I have to read this again!!"
The characters in the book are unhappy. Unhappy with life, themselves, the world... I don't know what else to say about the book without giving away anything. If you like Pulp Fiction, you'll like this book!
Book review: The Help by Kathryn Stockett
I haven't done a "book report" since 4th or 5th grade. And I haven't written about a book since my college days, but one has to start again some time, right? ;) However, my book report will be unconventional in nature in that it's more about what I thought about the book as opposed to a summary of the book itself.
I recently joined a book club. OK, by "recently" I really mean four months ago. We just chose book number five: The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan. I searched through Borders book store in a variety of sections, but eventually had to go to the information desk to ask where I might find her novels. They were in literature. Interesting. I also found it interesting that the first book we read in book club, The Help by Kathryn Stockett was also in literature.
The Help by Kathryn Stockett (2009)
I started reading the book online in a "preview" and was immediately hooked. I went to my library and asked about the book and was informed I would be number 333 on the list to receive it, should I want to add my name to the waiting list. Wow! No thanks. We ordered it online for $10.
I realized only a few years ago that I thoroughly enjoy historical fiction. I discovered it by accident, but I won't go into that now. The Help is set in Mississippi in the early 1960's when discrimination and segregation was in its height; "coloreds" had to use different bathrooms, different drinking fountains, different grocery stores, different libraries; and women (maids) had to dress in polyester maid uniforms. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his first speech within the storyline.
I'd like to think that one of the main characters, Skeeter, a 22 year old college-educated white woman, would have been me... had I lived in Mississippi in the early 1960's, but I think although I would have felt the same way about things, I wouldn't have been as bold about it as she was. She was born ahead of her time. Women didn't get college degrees and start careers -- they met a fine man, married, and had babies. Not Skeeter. She wanted to be a writer. And because she was close to her maid when she grew up (from a child through college), she appreciated "colored" people and what they had to offer. She was disgusted with the way others treated their maids.
I think because of her close friendship with her maid, she was more open, broad-minded and unbiased. She saw black people as people. And *that* was a rare quality to have in the early '60's. She wanted to expose the world to what life was really like for the black women. She wanted the world to see the women who cared for and raised white people's children, cooked their meals, cleaned their homes, all while being verbally and sometimes physically abused by their employers, or, at the very least, being talked about as if they aren't in the room, knowing they can do anything about it.
The Help raises questions:
How much of a person's character is shaped by the times in which they live?
Is racism inherent or taught?
The Help painted a picture of what it was like to be black in the early '60's in Mississippi. And also what it was like to be female in the early '60's. It's a definite page-turner, and you find yourself cheering for the maids and Skeeter until the very end. I laughed. I cried. I didn't want the book to end. And that's what a great book is all about...
Have you read The Help? Tell me what you thought.
I recently joined a book club. OK, by "recently" I really mean four months ago. We just chose book number five: The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan. I searched through Borders book store in a variety of sections, but eventually had to go to the information desk to ask where I might find her novels. They were in literature. Interesting. I also found it interesting that the first book we read in book club, The Help by Kathryn Stockett was also in literature.
The Help by Kathryn Stockett (2009)
I started reading the book online in a "preview" and was immediately hooked. I went to my library and asked about the book and was informed I would be number 333 on the list to receive it, should I want to add my name to the waiting list. Wow! No thanks. We ordered it online for $10.
I realized only a few years ago that I thoroughly enjoy historical fiction. I discovered it by accident, but I won't go into that now. The Help is set in Mississippi in the early 1960's when discrimination and segregation was in its height; "coloreds" had to use different bathrooms, different drinking fountains, different grocery stores, different libraries; and women (maids) had to dress in polyester maid uniforms. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his first speech within the storyline.
I'd like to think that one of the main characters, Skeeter, a 22 year old college-educated white woman, would have been me... had I lived in Mississippi in the early 1960's, but I think although I would have felt the same way about things, I wouldn't have been as bold about it as she was. She was born ahead of her time. Women didn't get college degrees and start careers -- they met a fine man, married, and had babies. Not Skeeter. She wanted to be a writer. And because she was close to her maid when she grew up (from a child through college), she appreciated "colored" people and what they had to offer. She was disgusted with the way others treated their maids.
I think because of her close friendship with her maid, she was more open, broad-minded and unbiased. She saw black people as people. And *that* was a rare quality to have in the early '60's. She wanted to expose the world to what life was really like for the black women. She wanted the world to see the women who cared for and raised white people's children, cooked their meals, cleaned their homes, all while being verbally and sometimes physically abused by their employers, or, at the very least, being talked about as if they aren't in the room, knowing they can do anything about it.
The Help raises questions:
How much of a person's character is shaped by the times in which they live?
Is racism inherent or taught?
The Help painted a picture of what it was like to be black in the early '60's in Mississippi. And also what it was like to be female in the early '60's. It's a definite page-turner, and you find yourself cheering for the maids and Skeeter until the very end. I laughed. I cried. I didn't want the book to end. And that's what a great book is all about...
Have you read The Help? Tell me what you thought.
Book review: Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay
Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay
I have to admit that the cover of the book caught my eye, and not because of the two young children running in the foreground, but because it looked like Italy or France.
I opened the book at the rack and couldn't put it down. It opened in Paris, July 1942. "The girl was the first to hear the loud pounding on the door. Her room was closest to the entrance of the apartment. At first, dazed with sleep, she thought it was her father, coming up rom his hiding place in the cellar. He'd forgotten his keys, and was impatient because nopbody had heard his first, timid knock. But then came the voices, strong and brutal in the silence of the night. Nothing to do with her father. "Police! Open up! Now!"
From that moment on, I was hooked. Sarah and her parents were taken from their home in the middle of the night by the French police during the Vel' d' Hiv' round-up in WWII. Desperate to protect her younger brother, Sarah locks him in a bedroom cupboard (their secret hiding place) and promises to come back for him as soon as they are released.
The book bounces from Sarah's story to that of present-day Julia, an American journalist living in Paris, who is investigating the round-up. During her research, she realizes her husband's family has a link to Sarah...
It's amazing how the two stories intertwine! I could NOT put down this book! Because of my interest in WWII, I found myself looking forward to Sarah's story more than that of Julia's. However, in Julia's story, one found out more about Sarah as well. Toward the middle of the book I wanted more of BOTH stories.
Before this book, I'd never heard of Vel' d' Hiv'. The French didn't speak of it until 1995 when newly appointed "President Jacques Chirac officially acknowledged France's complicity in the murder and deportation of the Jews of Europe." (2001 Kamis, Toni L., The Complete Jewish Guide to France)
Sarah's Key is historical fiction at its best. Plausible. Realistic. I laughed. I cried. This book is incredible!!
I have to admit that the cover of the book caught my eye, and not because of the two young children running in the foreground, but because it looked like Italy or France.
I opened the book at the rack and couldn't put it down. It opened in Paris, July 1942. "The girl was the first to hear the loud pounding on the door. Her room was closest to the entrance of the apartment. At first, dazed with sleep, she thought it was her father, coming up rom his hiding place in the cellar. He'd forgotten his keys, and was impatient because nopbody had heard his first, timid knock. But then came the voices, strong and brutal in the silence of the night. Nothing to do with her father. "Police! Open up! Now!"
From that moment on, I was hooked. Sarah and her parents were taken from their home in the middle of the night by the French police during the Vel' d' Hiv' round-up in WWII. Desperate to protect her younger brother, Sarah locks him in a bedroom cupboard (their secret hiding place) and promises to come back for him as soon as they are released.
The book bounces from Sarah's story to that of present-day Julia, an American journalist living in Paris, who is investigating the round-up. During her research, she realizes her husband's family has a link to Sarah...
It's amazing how the two stories intertwine! I could NOT put down this book! Because of my interest in WWII, I found myself looking forward to Sarah's story more than that of Julia's. However, in Julia's story, one found out more about Sarah as well. Toward the middle of the book I wanted more of BOTH stories.
Before this book, I'd never heard of Vel' d' Hiv'. The French didn't speak of it until 1995 when newly appointed "President Jacques Chirac officially acknowledged France's complicity in the murder and deportation of the Jews of Europe." (2001 Kamis, Toni L., The Complete Jewish Guide to France)
Sarah's Key is historical fiction at its best. Plausible. Realistic. I laughed. I cried. This book is incredible!!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Finding Myself - the Journey
Most people know who they are before they hit the age of 40. I'm still searching.
I first learned the term "adult child [of an alcoholic]" in 1997 when I was in therapy after finding my then-husband in bed with another woman. My therapist suggested a book on the subject and I read it, cover to cover in one day--and was overwhelmed. I wasn't ready. I could only deal with one thing at a time--and my marriage was failing. A couple of months later we separated, he continued to see the other woman, I started divorce papers... then I found out my father had pancreatic cancer. Divorce and death in the same year.
Fast forward twelve years. After a year of "dating adventures", I found myself in a desperate place. I was distraught. I cried most of my waking hours and the number of hours I slept was drastically increasing. My life had become unmanageable. I wanted out. I wanted a new life. It was one year ago in March when I went to my first Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting. It was then I heard the "ACA 12 steps" and "The Laundry List." It was then I began to see myself more clearly. It was then I began to heal.
"The term "adult child" means that we respond to adult interactions with the fear and self-doubt learned as children. This undercurrent of hidden fear can sabotage our choices and relationships. We can appear outwardly confident while living with a constant question of our worth." (taken from the ACA "red book" by ACAWSO)
After going to my first ACA meeting, it was as if a whole new world opened up to me. For the first time in my life, I was awake. I could see. Although chaotic, my life made more sense. I had answers. Answers about the choices I made; the jobs I have; the emotions I feel; my thoughts; my relationships, especially with men... everything was clear.
It was then I started to find myself.
(I must digress: the original blog was nearly complete when a computer glitch deleted everything but the first two sentences. I'm still irked by it, however, the deletion now allows me to go in another direction, so maybe, as I believe, it happened for a reason.)
Abandonment.
Abandonment is at the core of everything for me. If I only knew then what I know now...
I remember a couple of very telling dreams I had when I was about 14 years old. In the first dream I was kidnapped and thrown into the trunk of a car. Inside I had paper and a pen and I was drawing smiley faces on the paper, ripping it & throwing it outside, leaving a trail of smiley faces behind me in the hopes that my mother would follow the trail and find me. I woke up the next morning and told her about the dream; I expressed fear that she wouldn't be able to find me because she wasn't aware of the "special" smiley face I drew.
The second dream had a more obvious sign of abandonment. In this dream I was walking home from school. Once I got there I found the house empty. Empty and quiet. The floorboards creaked beneath my feet as I walked into the house in disbelief. They moved away without me.
Abandonment means more than being left alone. It can take many forms. Being left alone is the most obvious. It can involve parnetal perfectionism in which the child's behavior never measures up. Parents abandon their children when they fail to praise or recognize a child's effort to please the parent. Instead, as my father was, parents are quick to criticize and correct "bad" behavior. My "bad bahevior" was being a child. Talking wasn't accepted. Laughing wasn't good either. Nor was running, especially in the house. And slamming doors? Absolutely not. Quiet was what he wanted. Silence. In fact, I recently shared a story about watching home movies as children. We didn't have sound on our movies, so my brother and I would talk and laugh while we watched the films. My father would get angry and tell us to be quiet. Quiet. That's what I learned to be when I was around my father. Quiet. If I wasn't, I'd get yelled at...or worse. He'd be angry. He was always angry with me. I was never quiet enough. I wasn't good enough. I was bad.
Abandonment. As a child you learn to adjust. You learn to be quiet. You learn to avoid your father. Instead, you read; you write; you go to a friend's house; you play outside. You learn to people please. And in the process, you lose yourself.
By being a people pleaser, you avoid criticism. You avoid abandonment. You believe you won't be abandoned if you are "nice" and if you don't show anger. You will do anything to not be abandoned. You avoid learning who you are...and you hurt yourself and your relationships.
I first learned the term "adult child [of an alcoholic]" in 1997 when I was in therapy after finding my then-husband in bed with another woman. My therapist suggested a book on the subject and I read it, cover to cover in one day--and was overwhelmed. I wasn't ready. I could only deal with one thing at a time--and my marriage was failing. A couple of months later we separated, he continued to see the other woman, I started divorce papers... then I found out my father had pancreatic cancer. Divorce and death in the same year.
Fast forward twelve years. After a year of "dating adventures", I found myself in a desperate place. I was distraught. I cried most of my waking hours and the number of hours I slept was drastically increasing. My life had become unmanageable. I wanted out. I wanted a new life. It was one year ago in March when I went to my first Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting. It was then I heard the "ACA 12 steps" and "The Laundry List." It was then I began to see myself more clearly. It was then I began to heal.
"The term "adult child" means that we respond to adult interactions with the fear and self-doubt learned as children. This undercurrent of hidden fear can sabotage our choices and relationships. We can appear outwardly confident while living with a constant question of our worth." (taken from the ACA "red book" by ACAWSO)
After going to my first ACA meeting, it was as if a whole new world opened up to me. For the first time in my life, I was awake. I could see. Although chaotic, my life made more sense. I had answers. Answers about the choices I made; the jobs I have; the emotions I feel; my thoughts; my relationships, especially with men... everything was clear.
It was then I started to find myself.
(I must digress: the original blog was nearly complete when a computer glitch deleted everything but the first two sentences. I'm still irked by it, however, the deletion now allows me to go in another direction, so maybe, as I believe, it happened for a reason.)
Abandonment.
Abandonment is at the core of everything for me. If I only knew then what I know now...
I remember a couple of very telling dreams I had when I was about 14 years old. In the first dream I was kidnapped and thrown into the trunk of a car. Inside I had paper and a pen and I was drawing smiley faces on the paper, ripping it & throwing it outside, leaving a trail of smiley faces behind me in the hopes that my mother would follow the trail and find me. I woke up the next morning and told her about the dream; I expressed fear that she wouldn't be able to find me because she wasn't aware of the "special" smiley face I drew.
The second dream had a more obvious sign of abandonment. In this dream I was walking home from school. Once I got there I found the house empty. Empty and quiet. The floorboards creaked beneath my feet as I walked into the house in disbelief. They moved away without me.
Abandonment means more than being left alone. It can take many forms. Being left alone is the most obvious. It can involve parnetal perfectionism in which the child's behavior never measures up. Parents abandon their children when they fail to praise or recognize a child's effort to please the parent. Instead, as my father was, parents are quick to criticize and correct "bad" behavior. My "bad bahevior" was being a child. Talking wasn't accepted. Laughing wasn't good either. Nor was running, especially in the house. And slamming doors? Absolutely not. Quiet was what he wanted. Silence. In fact, I recently shared a story about watching home movies as children. We didn't have sound on our movies, so my brother and I would talk and laugh while we watched the films. My father would get angry and tell us to be quiet. Quiet. That's what I learned to be when I was around my father. Quiet. If I wasn't, I'd get yelled at...or worse. He'd be angry. He was always angry with me. I was never quiet enough. I wasn't good enough. I was bad.
Abandonment. As a child you learn to adjust. You learn to be quiet. You learn to avoid your father. Instead, you read; you write; you go to a friend's house; you play outside. You learn to people please. And in the process, you lose yourself.
By being a people pleaser, you avoid criticism. You avoid abandonment. You believe you won't be abandoned if you are "nice" and if you don't show anger. You will do anything to not be abandoned. You avoid learning who you are...and you hurt yourself and your relationships.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
SEX
That's right, I said it. Sex.
Last night I went through old journals of my "dating" days. And today I spent most of the afternoon & evening reading a book I just got called Loose Girl, a memoir of promiscuity by Kerry Cohen, a true story about her life. Although our lives were different, the feelings we both had (and have) really hit home. I am now left deeply saddened...
Saddened because I feel that part of me creeping up again. That lonely feeling, the emptiness, the gaping hole in my being that I desparately need to fill... with something... someone... as if having sex will make someone want me, want to be with me, love me...
*cry* It's so fucking humilitaing, these feelings of inadequacy. I look at my friends and their marraiges, and envy what they have. They see my "freedom" and envy my life. What they don't see though, are long nights, lying in bed alone, wishing for someone, anyone, to take away the lonely empty feeling inside. They don't see the tears on my face, in my pillow, my stuffy nose, my lips, now bright red from crying, my eyes bloodshot... they don't see that in my waking hours all I really want to do is go back to sleep, to go to my alternate life, where I'm happy and fulfilled. They don't see that I fill my waking hours with work and activities so that I don't have to admit to myself how lonely I really am.
The sad part is that I KNOW that having sex with someone won't make me feel better; it won't make someone want to be with me, want me, love me... but my heart aches to be loved. My heart literally hurts. When I am loved, I am someone important. Can't you see that? When I am loved, I am important; I am worthy.
I think back and recall my dating antics. Man, did I find some weirdos! Soon it became kind of a game with my significantly younger non-married friends to give each weirdo a fitting nickname based on their "unique" qualities. The first one given a name was "Drunky McGayerson". Many others followed, and included men with whom I never met in person. There was "diaper boy", "bondage guy", "best guy ever", "second best guy ever", "used to be best guy ever", "fat boy", "creepy man", "vampire guy", "[para]medic", "cuddle buddy", "RoBo", "the guy who says 'baby' every other word", and "Mr. Michigan" who I later found out actually lives in Africa. I slept with so many men I kept a calendar of my "conquests".
Soon I gave up on meeting Mr. Right and decided to focus on myself. This is when my timeline gets fuzzy. Everything blurred together. I don't remember what happened first...
I reconnected with a former high school classmate/former boyfriend. Neither one of us remembered why we broke up. Independently we each blamed ourselves. And we each thought of the other quite often in the last twenty-four years. I was vulnerable. He was married. His wife, amazing. Yet another reminder of what I did not have... what I wanted. He was kind, loving, soft spoken. He listened to me without judgement. I felt alive. And I fell in love. I fell hard. It was amazing. It was awful. I longed for his touch, to feel his lips on mine, to run my fingers through his hair, to hold his hand... But he wasn't mine to have. I was in love with him anyway. And he with me. We texted and talked--a lot. I also talked with his wife. Sometimes I'd be on the phone with one of them and instant messaging the other, at the same time. She trusted him implicitly.
I decided again to focus on myself. I got more involved in the gym and joined their "Look Good Naked Bootcamp." It seemed appropriate and somewhat ironic. Because of my hectic gym schedule, I stopped sleeping with random strangers, although I kept in touch with "best guy ever", "second best guy ever", and "cuddle buddy" as back-ups, because afterall, they weren't "strangers" so they didn't count. I "hooked up" with them each once more in the two year span of "bettering myself." And of course I was still talking to my former high school flame. And his wife.
After five months of intense boot camp, I was fried. Four months later I turned 40 and threw myself a party. Three months after that I had a complete emotional and mental melt-down and began therapy and attending ACA meetings, each once a week.
It was during this breakdown when I called former flame's wife and, through my sobbing, told her that later that day, I was telling him, her husband, that I could no longer see or speak with him; that I was in love with him and that wasn't a good thing. She consoled me; said she understood; and then she thanked me. She said she would be there to help me get through this. I was beside myself. She really is amazing. She's a better person than I. And she has the love of an amazing man.
My transformation began. Slowly. I had so much to say. I thought I'd be in weekly therapy sessions for the rest of my life. Once I realized I could trust him with my deepest and darkest "secrets", everything came rushing out. Anger I bottled up when I was a third grader at Roosevelt Elementary. Sadness I felt at names my father called me. Confusion about m y recent actions. My fear of being abandoned. Of being hurt. Fear of the future, of the unknown. Fear. Fear of not being good enough. The fear I felt the morning my father died. The utter emptiness I felt immediately following his death. Embarrassment of the things I did to keep a man, any man, in my life. The humiliation of knowing that what I was doing was wrong and not listening to myself. The humiliation of being that needy, that desparate, that alone... that pathetic.
I let it all out. I let go.
Then I met someone.
He treated me with kindness and respect, always. He knew about my recent past with other men. He still treated me with kindness and respect. His words were sweet, endearing, caring...
When I saw him, I didn't have that longing desire to immediately rip off his clothes. Instead I was extremely nervous. This feeling was different. Unfamiliar. I'm not used to being treated nicely. As odd as it sounds, it's uncomfortable; it doesn't seem natural. So I revert to sex. I *know* sex. It's after one in the morning. We lay in bed together, him spooning me, holding me close. I reach my hand behind me and find his rock hard cock. This, I think, this is familiar. I am in control now. He wants me...
Last night I went through old journals of my "dating" days. And today I spent most of the afternoon & evening reading a book I just got called Loose Girl, a memoir of promiscuity by Kerry Cohen, a true story about her life. Although our lives were different, the feelings we both had (and have) really hit home. I am now left deeply saddened...
Saddened because I feel that part of me creeping up again. That lonely feeling, the emptiness, the gaping hole in my being that I desparately need to fill... with something... someone... as if having sex will make someone want me, want to be with me, love me...
*cry* It's so fucking humilitaing, these feelings of inadequacy. I look at my friends and their marraiges, and envy what they have. They see my "freedom" and envy my life. What they don't see though, are long nights, lying in bed alone, wishing for someone, anyone, to take away the lonely empty feeling inside. They don't see the tears on my face, in my pillow, my stuffy nose, my lips, now bright red from crying, my eyes bloodshot... they don't see that in my waking hours all I really want to do is go back to sleep, to go to my alternate life, where I'm happy and fulfilled. They don't see that I fill my waking hours with work and activities so that I don't have to admit to myself how lonely I really am.
The sad part is that I KNOW that having sex with someone won't make me feel better; it won't make someone want to be with me, want me, love me... but my heart aches to be loved. My heart literally hurts. When I am loved, I am someone important. Can't you see that? When I am loved, I am important; I am worthy.
I think back and recall my dating antics. Man, did I find some weirdos! Soon it became kind of a game with my significantly younger non-married friends to give each weirdo a fitting nickname based on their "unique" qualities. The first one given a name was "Drunky McGayerson". Many others followed, and included men with whom I never met in person. There was "diaper boy", "bondage guy", "best guy ever", "second best guy ever", "used to be best guy ever", "fat boy", "creepy man", "vampire guy", "[para]medic", "cuddle buddy", "RoBo", "the guy who says 'baby' every other word", and "Mr. Michigan" who I later found out actually lives in Africa. I slept with so many men I kept a calendar of my "conquests".
Soon I gave up on meeting Mr. Right and decided to focus on myself. This is when my timeline gets fuzzy. Everything blurred together. I don't remember what happened first...
I reconnected with a former high school classmate/former boyfriend. Neither one of us remembered why we broke up. Independently we each blamed ourselves. And we each thought of the other quite often in the last twenty-four years. I was vulnerable. He was married. His wife, amazing. Yet another reminder of what I did not have... what I wanted. He was kind, loving, soft spoken. He listened to me without judgement. I felt alive. And I fell in love. I fell hard. It was amazing. It was awful. I longed for his touch, to feel his lips on mine, to run my fingers through his hair, to hold his hand... But he wasn't mine to have. I was in love with him anyway. And he with me. We texted and talked--a lot. I also talked with his wife. Sometimes I'd be on the phone with one of them and instant messaging the other, at the same time. She trusted him implicitly.
I decided again to focus on myself. I got more involved in the gym and joined their "Look Good Naked Bootcamp." It seemed appropriate and somewhat ironic. Because of my hectic gym schedule, I stopped sleeping with random strangers, although I kept in touch with "best guy ever", "second best guy ever", and "cuddle buddy" as back-ups, because afterall, they weren't "strangers" so they didn't count. I "hooked up" with them each once more in the two year span of "bettering myself." And of course I was still talking to my former high school flame. And his wife.
After five months of intense boot camp, I was fried. Four months later I turned 40 and threw myself a party. Three months after that I had a complete emotional and mental melt-down and began therapy and attending ACA meetings, each once a week.
It was during this breakdown when I called former flame's wife and, through my sobbing, told her that later that day, I was telling him, her husband, that I could no longer see or speak with him; that I was in love with him and that wasn't a good thing. She consoled me; said she understood; and then she thanked me. She said she would be there to help me get through this. I was beside myself. She really is amazing. She's a better person than I. And she has the love of an amazing man.
My transformation began. Slowly. I had so much to say. I thought I'd be in weekly therapy sessions for the rest of my life. Once I realized I could trust him with my deepest and darkest "secrets", everything came rushing out. Anger I bottled up when I was a third grader at Roosevelt Elementary. Sadness I felt at names my father called me. Confusion about m y recent actions. My fear of being abandoned. Of being hurt. Fear of the future, of the unknown. Fear. Fear of not being good enough. The fear I felt the morning my father died. The utter emptiness I felt immediately following his death. Embarrassment of the things I did to keep a man, any man, in my life. The humiliation of knowing that what I was doing was wrong and not listening to myself. The humiliation of being that needy, that desparate, that alone... that pathetic.
I let it all out. I let go.
Then I met someone.
He treated me with kindness and respect, always. He knew about my recent past with other men. He still treated me with kindness and respect. His words were sweet, endearing, caring...
When I saw him, I didn't have that longing desire to immediately rip off his clothes. Instead I was extremely nervous. This feeling was different. Unfamiliar. I'm not used to being treated nicely. As odd as it sounds, it's uncomfortable; it doesn't seem natural. So I revert to sex. I *know* sex. It's after one in the morning. We lay in bed together, him spooning me, holding me close. I reach my hand behind me and find his rock hard cock. This, I think, this is familiar. I am in control now. He wants me...
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Beginning
Wow. My very first “real” blog entry. It seems that I should write something profound, but my mind has been pretty “blah” lately and I’m unmotivated.
I wish I had the capability to think myself to another place… in the present, past or future (here or in another country).
I’d rather be in Venice (Italy) right now, walking the cobblestone streets, crossing the little bridges, watching boats float in the canal below and couples walking hand-in-hand. It’s evening and the streets are just starting to come alive. Street musicians are popping up all over the city to entertain locals and travelers alike while at the same time soothing themselves with melodies that come straight from their soul. No one is in a hurry… there’s no stress, no pressure; it’s all about relaxation, family and friends…and delicious food.
I am never more alive than when I travel and meet new people, learn new languages, and taste amazing foods… Nothing opens up the mind like travel. That’s what I’m most passionate about—learning new things through traveling. I’m not “rich”, not in a monetary sense, but I have enriched my life through my travel experiences.
How’s that for my official first blog?
I wish I had the capability to think myself to another place… in the present, past or future (here or in another country).
I’d rather be in Venice (Italy) right now, walking the cobblestone streets, crossing the little bridges, watching boats float in the canal below and couples walking hand-in-hand. It’s evening and the streets are just starting to come alive. Street musicians are popping up all over the city to entertain locals and travelers alike while at the same time soothing themselves with melodies that come straight from their soul. No one is in a hurry… there’s no stress, no pressure; it’s all about relaxation, family and friends…and delicious food.
I am never more alive than when I travel and meet new people, learn new languages, and taste amazing foods… Nothing opens up the mind like travel. That’s what I’m most passionate about—learning new things through traveling. I’m not “rich”, not in a monetary sense, but I have enriched my life through my travel experiences.
How’s that for my official first blog?
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