The Rules, part 4

Rule #19: Don't open up too fast.

"Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, beinging up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem--all in an attempt to bind with this new man."

Again the authors assume every woman reading this book has been in therapy, that therapy "conditions" women, and that all women read self-help books. Wow. Really?

The authors say that at the end of the first date, he should know your name, profession, how many siblings you have, where you went to college, where you grew up, and your favorite restaurant. The next sentence reads, "Don't reprimand him for picking you up thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and explain that "abandonment" is one of your issues in therapy."

WHAT?! OK first, he shows up THIRTY MINUTES LATE and you STILL go out with him? There should be a rule about THAT! Where's *that* rule in the book?! Second, WHO in their right mind then tells her date that she felt *abandoned* by his extreme tardiness? Seriously?!!

They go on to write, "No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you." Later when things get serious you're supposed to tell him casually and slowly. "Don't be burdensome," they add. "Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, "No. I never drink. I hot a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA." Just say, "No, thanks," and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him..."

Seriously? If you're a recovering alcoholic and are in AA, why not tell him you don't drink? What if he gets the bottle of wine regardless? Come on, people. So you're going to NOT say something in case what, he runs away? I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink and it has never been an issue. If he asks to meet me for a drink, I will, and I'll order a Mountain Dew or a Shirley Temple. No problem. I don't drink coffee either, but if I'm asked on a coffee date, do I grand stand and say I don't drink coffee? No. Order something else for crying out loud.

The authors do say that you shouldn't hide or lie about bad things in your life, and they add, by the time you are engaged, he should know allthat really matters about you and your family and your past. "It is morally wrong to accpet an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share." (pg 94)

Wow. I'm trying to keep all 19 rules in my head right now. Let's see... on the first three dates you don't look at him; the fourth you tell him a little bit about yourself; you're an alcoholic but you don't tell him that becuase he might not understand or he'll say, "just have one"; and you should sleep with him within two months (unless you're an 18-year old virgin, of course), but if you don't plan on sleeping with him within two months you should let him know, and now you should remain "mysterious" on your dates and don't tell him too much about yourself, as you are *conditioned* to do from your therapist, which obviously you are seeing. OK. Can't wait to read Rule #20.