September's book club selection was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. I've heard nothing but good things about the trilogy novels so I was naturally excited to read the first book.
I was immediately drawn into the mystery of who was sending a framed dried flower annually...for decades to the rich Henrik Vanger. But then I got bored.
Without giving anything away, I figured out early on that the mystery wasn't what it appeared. One of the main characters, Mikael Blomkvist, was a financial journalist who stepped down from his magazine because he was sued for libel (and would go to jail). In another part of the city, a loner and goth-like Lisbeth Salander works as a kind of private investigator with an amazing ability to hack in to any computer without notice, regardless of security walls. She is hired to dig up information on said journalist.
Meanwhile Henrik Vanger contacts Mikael and offers him a one-year "job" to write the Vanger family history (HOOK), but there's a secret twist: Mikael will really be trying to discover what happened to his great-niece before he dies (LINE). Mikael only agrees to take the job because after the one year, Vanger promised to give him tangible information on the person with whom he libeled -- which will prove that the man really is a criminal (SINKER).
Mikael ends up working with Lisbeth and the two gradually uncover clues and piece things together to discover corruption in the Vanger family. Throughout the book, the reader learns more about the mysterious Lisbeth and gives us a glimpse into why she is the way she is.
Before I go on, I should say that I am not into drawn-out detailed novels unless the details have meaning. I was bored fairly quickly because nothing really happened in the first 100+ pages of the 590 page book. I almost went insane. Seriously, nothing happened. Blah blah blah. As a result, it took me forever to get into the book--and at page 460 or so the story started to get really good.
As far as I'm concerened, the book could have ended 100 pages before it did. The author describes every detail about everything. It's almost like he wrote a screen play instead of a novel. However, all and all, it was a good book, minus the details. *wink*
I swore I wouldn't read the rest of the trilogy, but I read the prologue of The Girl who Played with Fire and was sucked into the story, so we'll see. *wink*
Friday, November 5, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My new dating rules...
OK, my dating techniques haven't worked so far, and since a recent Yahoo article* titled "10 signs your date isn’t The One" makes sense, I'm going to follow it... AND add my own rules! Some of the rules might be obvious, but let me tell you, I've had quite a few losers in my life and it needs to change!
My next man will...
#1 - have friends
#2 - his own life, hobbies, and interests
#3 - respect & understand that I need alone time. Alone time doesn't mean that I'm mad at you or don't like/love you... it simply means I want to be alone.
#4 - have a job and be financially secure. I'm not looking for wealth or to be "taken care of" financially, but if you can't pay your rent/mortgage, forget it.
#5 - have a car. I know I may get flack from this, but too bad. Busses do not come out to my house and I prefer not to be a taxi service. I understand that things happen and vehicles break down (been there too many times), but in general a vehicle is a must.
#6 - live within 30 minutes of my house/work.
#7 - realize that just because I am female does not mean that I will clean the house, do laundry, cook, pack lunches, pay the bills, and cater to your every whim. Men are capable of these things too! We will equally share the responsibility of house-hold chores.
And from the *article's list:
1. Your date is devoted to another.
I do not want a mama's boy. Obviously he loves his mother, but he has a mind of his own and makes his own decisions.
2. Your spending habits don’t match.
See number four above. I don't want to worry about credit card debt; I want to have a savings for trips; I do not need to go out for dinner all the time, nor do I want to eat Ramon noodles every night. I'd like a healthy balance.
3. Your politics are too different.
I would be classified as a democrat. Although I don't think the following things are necessarily "political," they always bring up heated discussions so it's important to mention. I love the earth and I want people to treat her kindly and with love. We (Americans) pollute & trash the earth like it will be around forever; we waste energy and natural resources without care. It needs to stop. I am an advocate for recycling and social justice/human rights. Ask anyone who has dared use Styrofoam in my presence or threw a pop can/bottle or a pile of paper into the trash. Basically if you don't recycle or appreciate other cultures (ethnic or otherwise), we won't last. I am very passionate about many issues and I communicate that passion. I am not perfect in my beliefs, but I try and expect the same in my partner.
4. Your sweetie just doesn’t get your jokes.
I do not appreciate what I call "stupid" humor. I do not think the movie Dumb and Dumber is funny. I do not like Jeff Foxworthy or other blue collar comedy. I'm not saying that none of the jokes are funny, but generally speaking, I do not like "stupid" humor.
5. Your love interest isn’t ready.
I sometimes wonder if this is me... but that's another blog topic! ;)
6. Your honey wants kids and you don’t (or vice versa).
I'm upfront about this with everyone. I do not want children, nor do I want to be a mother to your child/ren. Don't get me wrong, I like children and I love my friends' children. I don't want to raise children or be around them 24/7. If you have children and are involved in their life, I think that's terrific! More fathers need to be like you. BUT children are not for me.
7. Your tastes are too different.
If you enjoy camping in tents, cooking over a fire, and using the great outdoors as your bathroom, that's not something I wish to experience again. I don't want to stay in high-end hotels when I travel, but I don't want to sleep where little creatures roam. In Europe, I like small hotels and mom-&-pop places over the American hotels.
If your idea of a perfect home includes lots of farmland and chickens, that's not who I am. I know where meat comes from, but I do not want to see it running around in my yard.
I prefer to live close to work and not have to deal with sitting in traffic. I like the suburbs where it's quieter, but still close enough to 24/7 grocery stores and evening activities should I decide to do something fun.
8. Your lifestyles clash.
I think #7 sums up this as well.
9. Your first connection fizzles.
Makes sense. LOL
And finally, I'll let #10 speak for itself:
10. Your relationship has you on edge. “I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. “When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.”
* http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=8582&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=692725
My next man will...
#1 - have friends
#2 - his own life, hobbies, and interests
#3 - respect & understand that I need alone time. Alone time doesn't mean that I'm mad at you or don't like/love you... it simply means I want to be alone.
#4 - have a job and be financially secure. I'm not looking for wealth or to be "taken care of" financially, but if you can't pay your rent/mortgage, forget it.
#5 - have a car. I know I may get flack from this, but too bad. Busses do not come out to my house and I prefer not to be a taxi service. I understand that things happen and vehicles break down (been there too many times), but in general a vehicle is a must.
#6 - live within 30 minutes of my house/work.
#7 - realize that just because I am female does not mean that I will clean the house, do laundry, cook, pack lunches, pay the bills, and cater to your every whim. Men are capable of these things too! We will equally share the responsibility of house-hold chores.
And from the *article's list:
1. Your date is devoted to another.
I do not want a mama's boy. Obviously he loves his mother, but he has a mind of his own and makes his own decisions.
2. Your spending habits don’t match.
See number four above. I don't want to worry about credit card debt; I want to have a savings for trips; I do not need to go out for dinner all the time, nor do I want to eat Ramon noodles every night. I'd like a healthy balance.
3. Your politics are too different.
I would be classified as a democrat. Although I don't think the following things are necessarily "political," they always bring up heated discussions so it's important to mention. I love the earth and I want people to treat her kindly and with love. We (Americans) pollute & trash the earth like it will be around forever; we waste energy and natural resources without care. It needs to stop. I am an advocate for recycling and social justice/human rights. Ask anyone who has dared use Styrofoam in my presence or threw a pop can/bottle or a pile of paper into the trash. Basically if you don't recycle or appreciate other cultures (ethnic or otherwise), we won't last. I am very passionate about many issues and I communicate that passion. I am not perfect in my beliefs, but I try and expect the same in my partner.
4. Your sweetie just doesn’t get your jokes.
I do not appreciate what I call "stupid" humor. I do not think the movie Dumb and Dumber is funny. I do not like Jeff Foxworthy or other blue collar comedy. I'm not saying that none of the jokes are funny, but generally speaking, I do not like "stupid" humor.
5. Your love interest isn’t ready.
I sometimes wonder if this is me... but that's another blog topic! ;)
6. Your honey wants kids and you don’t (or vice versa).
I'm upfront about this with everyone. I do not want children, nor do I want to be a mother to your child/ren. Don't get me wrong, I like children and I love my friends' children. I don't want to raise children or be around them 24/7. If you have children and are involved in their life, I think that's terrific! More fathers need to be like you. BUT children are not for me.
7. Your tastes are too different.
If you enjoy camping in tents, cooking over a fire, and using the great outdoors as your bathroom, that's not something I wish to experience again. I don't want to stay in high-end hotels when I travel, but I don't want to sleep where little creatures roam. In Europe, I like small hotels and mom-&-pop places over the American hotels.
If your idea of a perfect home includes lots of farmland and chickens, that's not who I am. I know where meat comes from, but I do not want to see it running around in my yard.
I prefer to live close to work and not have to deal with sitting in traffic. I like the suburbs where it's quieter, but still close enough to 24/7 grocery stores and evening activities should I decide to do something fun.
8. Your lifestyles clash.
I think #7 sums up this as well.
9. Your first connection fizzles.
Makes sense. LOL
And finally, I'll let #10 speak for itself:
10. Your relationship has you on edge. “I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. “When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.”
* http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=8582&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=692725
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Finding Myself, part 3
Finding Myself, part 3
The ACA "red book" says that as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, we have great difficulty accepting love. This isn't a shaming statement or a prediction of doom. As children and teens we were not given a true or consistent example of love. So how can we recognize it as adults? I struggle with this a lot, and to be clear, I'm referring to ALL types of love. I constantly wonder why people would bother to love me. What's lovable about ME? I can easily and very quickly name 100 things that are wrong with me. But can I name even half that number of things I not only like, but LOVE about myself. I doubt it.
The "love" I learned from my parents was really codependency. Codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the co-dependent or Adult Child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth. Wow. This completely describes me! I'd much rather focus on other people, help them with their problems, listen to their stories than work on myself. The book further says, "A codependent focuses on other and their problems to such an extent that the codependent's life is often adversely affected. In addition to emotional suffering, codependents can suffer from serious or chronic physical illnesses" (i.e. stomach problems, severe headaches, insomnia). I often have migraines and I could sleep all day long if I didn't feel guilty for not doing anything!
By attending ACA meetings "we realize we could not have reacted another way given our dysfunctional upbringing. As children we focused on the odd or neglectful nature of our parent's behavior. We mistakenly thought we caused their moods or attitudes or could do something to change circumstances." (pg 7)
I remember *that* clearly. As I've said before, I didn't know my father was an alcoholic until I was in college. He didn't slur his words or stumble around the house drunk like you see in the movies. Regardless, I was afraid of him yelling at me for anything. I was always extra quiet when he was home. If I walked into the house after an exciting day with my friends and I forgot to come into the house quietly, I was greeted with, "Here comes 'big mouth,' there won't be peace around HERE anymore!" As a child of an alcoholic I took responsibility for my father's feelings and poor behavior. If only I wasn't so loud... If only I stayed outside longer... If only I came home earlier... If only I was a better daughter... If only...
By living this way (as many ACA do) I developed a dependent false self that constantly sought outward affection, recognition, and praise, but secretly believed I didn't deserve it. Unfortunately not much has changed for me in this regard. I'm working on it, but I am finding it difficult. When you're called names throughout your childhood, by a parent no less, how do you let that go? When you're told something enough, you believe it... The answer is to replace those hurtful words from a sick man with positive words. Sadly, that's more difficult than I thought it would be. For 40 years I've had Negative Nelly in my head and she's quite comfortable; she's familiar with the territory.
The book also says that, "Many adult children arrive at their adult years with an over-developed sense of responsibility, which they communicate as love or nurturing care. This behavior is a disguise to get the love we never received as children. Before recovery, many adult children had relationships in which they thought they were in love with another person. In reality, they were trapping or manipulating that person to extract affection. This behavior creates the response we fear the most -- abandonment." (pg 7)
On Friday night my friends and I were discussing a male friend I've been talking to, and one of them said something like, "[He] adores you! And it's not that he just wants to sleep with you because if it was, he wouldn't still be around. You need to accept that he adores you and let him. Stop trying to control the situation by denying that he adores you. Unless you let go, become vulnerable to getting hurt, be vulnerable to [him], you won't know what it feels like to be adored. You are closing yourself off to a wonderful experience." Intellectually I know she is right, but it was confirmed on a deeper level--my soul knew she was right--because tears filled my eyes.
I can't lose control.
I can't let go.
I don't know how to let go.
I'm afraid to let go.
What's going to happen if I let go?
What if I fall...
What if I fail...
What if I never recover...
My world is filled with "what if's..."
Intellectually I know that I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment. I know I will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings. I know that this illusion of being in control is not effective. And yes, I am aware that this stems from what I received as a child from living with a sick father who was not there for me emotionally. I KNOW these things. But knowing and FEELING are not the same thing. How do I let go? I hear people say, "Let go and let God," but I don't know HOW to do that. I believe in God. I believe in a loving God. I pray. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes, just learning opportunities. BUT... how do you turn your will and your life over to the care of God? *That* is my question for you.
(As stated, some portions of this blog were borrowed from the Adult Children of Alcoholics "red book")
The ACA "red book" says that as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, we have great difficulty accepting love. This isn't a shaming statement or a prediction of doom. As children and teens we were not given a true or consistent example of love. So how can we recognize it as adults? I struggle with this a lot, and to be clear, I'm referring to ALL types of love. I constantly wonder why people would bother to love me. What's lovable about ME? I can easily and very quickly name 100 things that are wrong with me. But can I name even half that number of things I not only like, but LOVE about myself. I doubt it.
The "love" I learned from my parents was really codependency. Codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the co-dependent or Adult Child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth. Wow. This completely describes me! I'd much rather focus on other people, help them with their problems, listen to their stories than work on myself. The book further says, "A codependent focuses on other and their problems to such an extent that the codependent's life is often adversely affected. In addition to emotional suffering, codependents can suffer from serious or chronic physical illnesses" (i.e. stomach problems, severe headaches, insomnia). I often have migraines and I could sleep all day long if I didn't feel guilty for not doing anything!
By attending ACA meetings "we realize we could not have reacted another way given our dysfunctional upbringing. As children we focused on the odd or neglectful nature of our parent's behavior. We mistakenly thought we caused their moods or attitudes or could do something to change circumstances." (pg 7)
I remember *that* clearly. As I've said before, I didn't know my father was an alcoholic until I was in college. He didn't slur his words or stumble around the house drunk like you see in the movies. Regardless, I was afraid of him yelling at me for anything. I was always extra quiet when he was home. If I walked into the house after an exciting day with my friends and I forgot to come into the house quietly, I was greeted with, "Here comes 'big mouth,' there won't be peace around HERE anymore!" As a child of an alcoholic I took responsibility for my father's feelings and poor behavior. If only I wasn't so loud... If only I stayed outside longer... If only I came home earlier... If only I was a better daughter... If only...
By living this way (as many ACA do) I developed a dependent false self that constantly sought outward affection, recognition, and praise, but secretly believed I didn't deserve it. Unfortunately not much has changed for me in this regard. I'm working on it, but I am finding it difficult. When you're called names throughout your childhood, by a parent no less, how do you let that go? When you're told something enough, you believe it... The answer is to replace those hurtful words from a sick man with positive words. Sadly, that's more difficult than I thought it would be. For 40 years I've had Negative Nelly in my head and she's quite comfortable; she's familiar with the territory.
The book also says that, "Many adult children arrive at their adult years with an over-developed sense of responsibility, which they communicate as love or nurturing care. This behavior is a disguise to get the love we never received as children. Before recovery, many adult children had relationships in which they thought they were in love with another person. In reality, they were trapping or manipulating that person to extract affection. This behavior creates the response we fear the most -- abandonment." (pg 7)
On Friday night my friends and I were discussing a male friend I've been talking to, and one of them said something like, "[He] adores you! And it's not that he just wants to sleep with you because if it was, he wouldn't still be around. You need to accept that he adores you and let him. Stop trying to control the situation by denying that he adores you. Unless you let go, become vulnerable to getting hurt, be vulnerable to [him], you won't know what it feels like to be adored. You are closing yourself off to a wonderful experience." Intellectually I know she is right, but it was confirmed on a deeper level--my soul knew she was right--because tears filled my eyes.
I can't lose control.
I can't let go.
I don't know how to let go.
I'm afraid to let go.
What's going to happen if I let go?
What if I fall...
What if I fail...
What if I never recover...
My world is filled with "what if's..."
Intellectually I know that I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment. I know I will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings. I know that this illusion of being in control is not effective. And yes, I am aware that this stems from what I received as a child from living with a sick father who was not there for me emotionally. I KNOW these things. But knowing and FEELING are not the same thing. How do I let go? I hear people say, "Let go and let God," but I don't know HOW to do that. I believe in God. I believe in a loving God. I pray. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes, just learning opportunities. BUT... how do you turn your will and your life over to the care of God? *That* is my question for you.
(As stated, some portions of this blog were borrowed from the Adult Children of Alcoholics "red book")
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The Rules, part 4
Rule #19: Don't open up too fast.
"Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, beinging up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem--all in an attempt to bind with this new man."
Again the authors assume every woman reading this book has been in therapy, that therapy "conditions" women, and that all women read self-help books. Wow. Really?
The authors say that at the end of the first date, he should know your name, profession, how many siblings you have, where you went to college, where you grew up, and your favorite restaurant. The next sentence reads, "Don't reprimand him for picking you up thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and explain that "abandonment" is one of your issues in therapy."
WHAT?! OK first, he shows up THIRTY MINUTES LATE and you STILL go out with him? There should be a rule about THAT! Where's *that* rule in the book?! Second, WHO in their right mind then tells her date that she felt *abandoned* by his extreme tardiness? Seriously?!!
They go on to write, "No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you." Later when things get serious you're supposed to tell him casually and slowly. "Don't be burdensome," they add. "Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, "No. I never drink. I hot a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA." Just say, "No, thanks," and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him..."
Seriously? If you're a recovering alcoholic and are in AA, why not tell him you don't drink? What if he gets the bottle of wine regardless? Come on, people. So you're going to NOT say something in case what, he runs away? I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink and it has never been an issue. If he asks to meet me for a drink, I will, and I'll order a Mountain Dew or a Shirley Temple. No problem. I don't drink coffee either, but if I'm asked on a coffee date, do I grand stand and say I don't drink coffee? No. Order something else for crying out loud.
The authors do say that you shouldn't hide or lie about bad things in your life, and they add, by the time you are engaged, he should know allthat really matters about you and your family and your past. "It is morally wrong to accpet an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share." (pg 94)
Wow. I'm trying to keep all 19 rules in my head right now. Let's see... on the first three dates you don't look at him; the fourth you tell him a little bit about yourself; you're an alcoholic but you don't tell him that becuase he might not understand or he'll say, "just have one"; and you should sleep with him within two months (unless you're an 18-year old virgin, of course), but if you don't plan on sleeping with him within two months you should let him know, and now you should remain "mysterious" on your dates and don't tell him too much about yourself, as you are *conditioned* to do from your therapist, which obviously you are seeing. OK. Can't wait to read Rule #20.
"Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, beinging up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem--all in an attempt to bind with this new man."
Again the authors assume every woman reading this book has been in therapy, that therapy "conditions" women, and that all women read self-help books. Wow. Really?
The authors say that at the end of the first date, he should know your name, profession, how many siblings you have, where you went to college, where you grew up, and your favorite restaurant. The next sentence reads, "Don't reprimand him for picking you up thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and explain that "abandonment" is one of your issues in therapy."
WHAT?! OK first, he shows up THIRTY MINUTES LATE and you STILL go out with him? There should be a rule about THAT! Where's *that* rule in the book?! Second, WHO in their right mind then tells her date that she felt *abandoned* by his extreme tardiness? Seriously?!!
They go on to write, "No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you." Later when things get serious you're supposed to tell him casually and slowly. "Don't be burdensome," they add. "Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, "No. I never drink. I hot a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA." Just say, "No, thanks," and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him..."
Seriously? If you're a recovering alcoholic and are in AA, why not tell him you don't drink? What if he gets the bottle of wine regardless? Come on, people. So you're going to NOT say something in case what, he runs away? I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink and it has never been an issue. If he asks to meet me for a drink, I will, and I'll order a Mountain Dew or a Shirley Temple. No problem. I don't drink coffee either, but if I'm asked on a coffee date, do I grand stand and say I don't drink coffee? No. Order something else for crying out loud.
The authors do say that you shouldn't hide or lie about bad things in your life, and they add, by the time you are engaged, he should know allthat really matters about you and your family and your past. "It is morally wrong to accpet an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share." (pg 94)
Wow. I'm trying to keep all 19 rules in my head right now. Let's see... on the first three dates you don't look at him; the fourth you tell him a little bit about yourself; you're an alcoholic but you don't tell him that becuase he might not understand or he'll say, "just have one"; and you should sleep with him within two months (unless you're an 18-year old virgin, of course), but if you don't plan on sleeping with him within two months you should let him know, and now you should remain "mysterious" on your dates and don't tell him too much about yourself, as you are *conditioned* to do from your therapist, which obviously you are seeing. OK. Can't wait to read Rule #20.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Rules, part 3
Rule #17: Let him take the lead.
This not-quite two-page chapter makes me want to take the book and bash it upside the heads of the authors--if I thought it would do any good. If the pages were made of thin concrete I might consider tracking them down. I feel I must defend myself somehow; explain that I'm not a bra-burning "feminist" of the 1960's, although perhaps if I were of that era, I might have been. This chapter goes against everything inside of me as a woman. It's difficult to discuss the chapter without letting you read it, so let's begin.
"Dating is like slow dancing. The man must take the lead or you fall over your feet. He should be the first to say "I love you," "I miss you," "I've told my parents so much about you. They can't wait to meet you."
"He should be an open book, you should be a mystery. Don't tell him he's the first person you've felt this way about in a long time, or that you never thought you'd fall in love again.
Remember, let him take the lead. He declares love first, just as he picks most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes ask you for you preference, in which case you can tell him."
Really? I read this aloud to a few coworkers one evening and one of the guys said, "Really? I HATE it when I ask a girl what movie she wants to see and she says, 'I don't know; what do YOU want to see?' If I didn't want her opinion, I wouldn't have asked. Why do I always have to decide what we're going to do. I don't want someone who can't think for herself." That about sums it up. I'm so glad they said that if he asks, you can answer. Let me just say that if I was dating a guy and he took me to a country concert without asking my preference, I don't even think I'd stay past the opening band. Nothing against country music, it's just not my thing. But don't worry, the above paragraphs are the least of your worries in this chapter!
"You should meet his parents before he meets yours, unless of course, he picks you up at your parents' house." OK, again, the target audience of this book are what... 14 to 18-year olds? The authors give tips on not letting your parents linger with your date too long, and also remind you that you should be ready to go when he arrives so your parents don't ask him embarrassing questions. Again... 15 year olds??
Furthermore, they add the same rule applies to your friends. "He should introduce you to his friends before you introduce him to yours. You should double date with his married or dating friends before you double with yours."
Here's the kicker. It is seldom that I am at a loss for words, but this time, I don't even know where to begin. Therefore, I will end with their final paragraph of the chapter and let your head explode as well.
"Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually meet all of your friends and family. Until then, just follow his lead!"
This not-quite two-page chapter makes me want to take the book and bash it upside the heads of the authors--if I thought it would do any good. If the pages were made of thin concrete I might consider tracking them down. I feel I must defend myself somehow; explain that I'm not a bra-burning "feminist" of the 1960's, although perhaps if I were of that era, I might have been. This chapter goes against everything inside of me as a woman. It's difficult to discuss the chapter without letting you read it, so let's begin.
"Dating is like slow dancing. The man must take the lead or you fall over your feet. He should be the first to say "I love you," "I miss you," "I've told my parents so much about you. They can't wait to meet you."
"He should be an open book, you should be a mystery. Don't tell him he's the first person you've felt this way about in a long time, or that you never thought you'd fall in love again.
Remember, let him take the lead. He declares love first, just as he picks most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes ask you for you preference, in which case you can tell him."
Really? I read this aloud to a few coworkers one evening and one of the guys said, "Really? I HATE it when I ask a girl what movie she wants to see and she says, 'I don't know; what do YOU want to see?' If I didn't want her opinion, I wouldn't have asked. Why do I always have to decide what we're going to do. I don't want someone who can't think for herself." That about sums it up. I'm so glad they said that if he asks, you can answer. Let me just say that if I was dating a guy and he took me to a country concert without asking my preference, I don't even think I'd stay past the opening band. Nothing against country music, it's just not my thing. But don't worry, the above paragraphs are the least of your worries in this chapter!
"You should meet his parents before he meets yours, unless of course, he picks you up at your parents' house." OK, again, the target audience of this book are what... 14 to 18-year olds? The authors give tips on not letting your parents linger with your date too long, and also remind you that you should be ready to go when he arrives so your parents don't ask him embarrassing questions. Again... 15 year olds??
Furthermore, they add the same rule applies to your friends. "He should introduce you to his friends before you introduce him to yours. You should double date with his married or dating friends before you double with yours."
Here's the kicker. It is seldom that I am at a loss for words, but this time, I don't even know where to begin. Therefore, I will end with their final paragraph of the chapter and let your head explode as well.
"Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually meet all of your friends and family. Until then, just follow his lead!"
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Book review: Look Again by Lisa Scottoline
I purchased Look Again by Lisa Scottoline in March, hoping it would be a book club selection. My wish came true in August! The 373 pages of the 5x7" paperback-like novel did not disappoint.
The book poses the question, what would you do if the face in a missing child photo was your son's?
After she received the postcard in the mail and sees the uncanny similarities, journalist Ellen Gleeson can't let the thought go even though she knows that the adoption of her son was legal. She recalls visiting the hospital every day for another story and seeing the little one year old boy recovering from heart surgery with no family members around to support him. She looks into his beautiful blue eyes, falls in love, and adopts him.
Fast forward two years to the cold winter morning she received the postcard in the mail. From that day forward, she couldn't let go of the fact that the child in the postcard looked a lot like her three year old son, despite the fact that the child in the postcard was a computerized composite-aged sketch. To find out more about the woman who gave up her son for adoption, Ellen contacted the lawyer who drew up the adoption papers only to discover she had committed suicide soon after the adoption was finalized.
Ellen hits another dead-end in her attempt to find out if her son Will is really the kidnapped boy Timothy from the postcard when her next lead suddenly dies of a suspicious overdose. Ellen takes things into her own hands and flies to the missing boy's hometown and essentially stalks the boy's grief-stricken parents in an attemot to somehow get DNA smaples from them without their knowledge.
All of this is happening as the newspaper for which she works is laying people off because of the economy, and she and her handsome single Latin editor deny their feelings for one another.
Her search for the truth endangers her life and that of her son's. There are a couple of surprising twists in the storyline, although one of the "surprises" was predictable. But in this case, I'll let it slide.
Look Again brings up many good questions, and is a novel that will leave a parent thinking for a long, long time.
The book poses the question, what would you do if the face in a missing child photo was your son's?
After she received the postcard in the mail and sees the uncanny similarities, journalist Ellen Gleeson can't let the thought go even though she knows that the adoption of her son was legal. She recalls visiting the hospital every day for another story and seeing the little one year old boy recovering from heart surgery with no family members around to support him. She looks into his beautiful blue eyes, falls in love, and adopts him.
Fast forward two years to the cold winter morning she received the postcard in the mail. From that day forward, she couldn't let go of the fact that the child in the postcard looked a lot like her three year old son, despite the fact that the child in the postcard was a computerized composite-aged sketch. To find out more about the woman who gave up her son for adoption, Ellen contacted the lawyer who drew up the adoption papers only to discover she had committed suicide soon after the adoption was finalized.
Ellen hits another dead-end in her attempt to find out if her son Will is really the kidnapped boy Timothy from the postcard when her next lead suddenly dies of a suspicious overdose. Ellen takes things into her own hands and flies to the missing boy's hometown and essentially stalks the boy's grief-stricken parents in an attemot to somehow get DNA smaples from them without their knowledge.
All of this is happening as the newspaper for which she works is laying people off because of the economy, and she and her handsome single Latin editor deny their feelings for one another.
Her search for the truth endangers her life and that of her son's. There are a couple of surprising twists in the storyline, although one of the "surprises" was predictable. But in this case, I'll let it slide.
Look Again brings up many good questions, and is a novel that will leave a parent thinking for a long, long time.
The Rules, part 2
Let's talk about sex, baby!
Now let's get to the important part of The Rules...what everyone wants to know. When can you have sex? The Rules depends on your age and personal feelings. The book reads, "If you're eighteen and a virgin, you will want to wait until you are in a committed relationship. If you're thirty-nine, waiting a month or two can be fine." (This four-page chapter doesn't have any suggestions for those aged 19-38.)
The authors tell you that you shouldn't be surprised if a man gets angry if you don't invite him into your apartment for a drink after the second date. They say, "he has probably been spoiled by other women who slept with him on the first or second date and now he feels denied this pleasure." (pg 78). Don't worry, the authors say, because anger indicates interest.
Woah. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Anger = interest. Wow. Wouldn't women's advocates and special victim units across the country like to get a hold of the women who wrote that statement?!! Ummm, how about if he gets angry because you won't f*ck him on the second date, that you ditch his sorry ass? How about that?
Next the book asks a question many of you are asking yourself: But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? The answer is still no. "You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here," the authors state. (Character-building?! Why is a woman who loves sex lacking in character?)
The authors continue, "Why risk having him call you easy when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day?" (The locker room? Is this book for high school girls?)
Argue all you want, the authors say; tell yourself that you don't mind if he doesn't call again after you have sex; lie to yourself, because you DO care that he calls again.
Once you're ready to have sex The Rules say that you must "stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets." (Evidently you should lay there silently during your missionary-style sex.) Don't talk about your needs during sex or after sex; don't demand that he do this or that--being in bed with you should not be difficult or demanding." (pg 80)
In other words, if you're receiving no pleasure from the experience, that's OK because it's all about him and his needs. You can let him know how to please you after he falls in love with you. That's what the book is all about, right? Finding a man to fall in love with and marry you.
Also, "don't bring anything--red lightbulbs, scented candles, or X-rated videos--to enhance your sexual experience. If you have to use those things to get him excited, something's wrong." Furthermore the authors add, don't cling to him if he has to leave that night or the following morning. (I'm picturing a grown woman clinging to the man's leg as he drags her across the floor like a small child to a parent.)
The chapter goes on to say, "don't try to keep him there longer by suggesting brunch or sweet rolls and coffee in bed. If you do, he'll porobably run to the nearest coffee shop for breakfast."
Brunch? *pause* Brunch?! Who goes out to brunch? And who randomly has sweet rolls in their kitchen? But wait -- the best is yet to come!
"Instead, go quietly about your business--brush your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, brew coffee--and chances are he'll start massaging your shoulders and suggesting morning sex or a great brunch place."
LMAO. Are you KIDDING me?! Is he massaging me as I do sit-ups or does he wait until I'm stretching? Seriously?! Women believe this shit?
Oh, and if a man doesn't suggest sex in the morning with his already erect penis, than THAT my friend is a problem. What man is going to wait, laying in bed with a hard-on while you busily go about your morning routine of brushing your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, and brew coffee? Please. Show me a man with a hard cock and I'll show you a man who wants sex! Screw "brunch"! I have your brunch right here, baby!
Now that we know we should wait two months before having sex (unless of course we're an 18-year-old virgin), the book advises that "it's only fair that if you're dating a man for a month or two and don't plan to sleep with him for a while to let him know. Otherwise, you're being a tease." BUT, the authors continue, if you're more into sex than he is, The Rules say "if you don't want to feel insecure, then don't initiate sex."
Let me understand. If I am someone other than an 18-year-old virgin, I can have sex in a month or two, but if I don't plan on having sex with him within those two months, I should let him know. Furthermore, if I love sex and he's not that in to it, I should keep it to myself. Tell me again why I'm with a man who doesn't like sex? I don't think I've met a man yet who doesn't love sex. Do they exist? My next question is how did I get to the sex part? On the first three dates I shouldn't look at him or say much of anything, and on the fourth date I should show more of myself, but I must be attentive, a good listener and let him lead ALL conversations. Isn't he bored with me? I would be!! Let's not forget that I also shouldn't tell him what others think about our relationship; that I was a mess before I discovered seminars and gurus; or that he's the first man to treat me with respect. I shouldn't ask about his past relationships, say "we've got to talk," or "overwhelm" him with my career triumphs. In other words, "don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
Ummm, wow. That's a lot of assumptions. I've been on four dates with a man and I'm telling everyone I know, including my personal trainer and mechanic that we're in a "relationship". And evidently I was a complete and utter mess before I met him and was treated disrespectfully by every man that came into my life. Wow. In four pages the authors' summed up my entire life. Are you SERIOUS?!
Let's get back to the sex. So, I'm not supposed to have sex with him too soon, but I shouldn't wait too long either, and I shouldn't initiate sex even if I love sex. And all of this spans a one or two month period but happens after four dates. Got it. THEN when we do finally have sex I should lay there, say nothing, and guide him in no way as to what I like in bed. This will make him fall in love with me and ask me to marry him. Ummm, OK. And after sex I should let him leave if he chooses to, or if he spends the night in my apartment I should wake up and go about my usual business of brushing my hair and teeth, and doing sit-ups and stretches while he lays in bed. OK. Got it.
And the most important portion of this four-page chapter is written in the last paragraph: "whenever you do have sex, always use a condom."
Got it.
Seriously??? Are these women for real?!
Now let's get to the important part of The Rules...what everyone wants to know. When can you have sex? The Rules depends on your age and personal feelings. The book reads, "If you're eighteen and a virgin, you will want to wait until you are in a committed relationship. If you're thirty-nine, waiting a month or two can be fine." (This four-page chapter doesn't have any suggestions for those aged 19-38.)
The authors tell you that you shouldn't be surprised if a man gets angry if you don't invite him into your apartment for a drink after the second date. They say, "he has probably been spoiled by other women who slept with him on the first or second date and now he feels denied this pleasure." (pg 78). Don't worry, the authors say, because anger indicates interest.
Woah. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Anger = interest. Wow. Wouldn't women's advocates and special victim units across the country like to get a hold of the women who wrote that statement?!! Ummm, how about if he gets angry because you won't f*ck him on the second date, that you ditch his sorry ass? How about that?
Next the book asks a question many of you are asking yourself: But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? The answer is still no. "You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here," the authors state. (Character-building?! Why is a woman who loves sex lacking in character?)
The authors continue, "Why risk having him call you easy when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day?" (The locker room? Is this book for high school girls?)
Argue all you want, the authors say; tell yourself that you don't mind if he doesn't call again after you have sex; lie to yourself, because you DO care that he calls again.
Once you're ready to have sex The Rules say that you must "stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets." (Evidently you should lay there silently during your missionary-style sex.) Don't talk about your needs during sex or after sex; don't demand that he do this or that--being in bed with you should not be difficult or demanding." (pg 80)
In other words, if you're receiving no pleasure from the experience, that's OK because it's all about him and his needs. You can let him know how to please you after he falls in love with you. That's what the book is all about, right? Finding a man to fall in love with and marry you.
Also, "don't bring anything--red lightbulbs, scented candles, or X-rated videos--to enhance your sexual experience. If you have to use those things to get him excited, something's wrong." Furthermore the authors add, don't cling to him if he has to leave that night or the following morning. (I'm picturing a grown woman clinging to the man's leg as he drags her across the floor like a small child to a parent.)
The chapter goes on to say, "don't try to keep him there longer by suggesting brunch or sweet rolls and coffee in bed. If you do, he'll porobably run to the nearest coffee shop for breakfast."
Brunch? *pause* Brunch?! Who goes out to brunch? And who randomly has sweet rolls in their kitchen? But wait -- the best is yet to come!
"Instead, go quietly about your business--brush your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, brew coffee--and chances are he'll start massaging your shoulders and suggesting morning sex or a great brunch place."
LMAO. Are you KIDDING me?! Is he massaging me as I do sit-ups or does he wait until I'm stretching? Seriously?! Women believe this shit?
Oh, and if a man doesn't suggest sex in the morning with his already erect penis, than THAT my friend is a problem. What man is going to wait, laying in bed with a hard-on while you busily go about your morning routine of brushing your hair and your teeth, do some sit-ups and stretches, and brew coffee? Please. Show me a man with a hard cock and I'll show you a man who wants sex! Screw "brunch"! I have your brunch right here, baby!
Now that we know we should wait two months before having sex (unless of course we're an 18-year-old virgin), the book advises that "it's only fair that if you're dating a man for a month or two and don't plan to sleep with him for a while to let him know. Otherwise, you're being a tease." BUT, the authors continue, if you're more into sex than he is, The Rules say "if you don't want to feel insecure, then don't initiate sex."
Let me understand. If I am someone other than an 18-year-old virgin, I can have sex in a month or two, but if I don't plan on having sex with him within those two months, I should let him know. Furthermore, if I love sex and he's not that in to it, I should keep it to myself. Tell me again why I'm with a man who doesn't like sex? I don't think I've met a man yet who doesn't love sex. Do they exist? My next question is how did I get to the sex part? On the first three dates I shouldn't look at him or say much of anything, and on the fourth date I should show more of myself, but I must be attentive, a good listener and let him lead ALL conversations. Isn't he bored with me? I would be!! Let's not forget that I also shouldn't tell him what others think about our relationship; that I was a mess before I discovered seminars and gurus; or that he's the first man to treat me with respect. I shouldn't ask about his past relationships, say "we've got to talk," or "overwhelm" him with my career triumphs. In other words, "don't plague him with your neuroses!!"
Ummm, wow. That's a lot of assumptions. I've been on four dates with a man and I'm telling everyone I know, including my personal trainer and mechanic that we're in a "relationship". And evidently I was a complete and utter mess before I met him and was treated disrespectfully by every man that came into my life. Wow. In four pages the authors' summed up my entire life. Are you SERIOUS?!
Let's get back to the sex. So, I'm not supposed to have sex with him too soon, but I shouldn't wait too long either, and I shouldn't initiate sex even if I love sex. And all of this spans a one or two month period but happens after four dates. Got it. THEN when we do finally have sex I should lay there, say nothing, and guide him in no way as to what I like in bed. This will make him fall in love with me and ask me to marry him. Ummm, OK. And after sex I should let him leave if he chooses to, or if he spends the night in my apartment I should wake up and go about my usual business of brushing my hair and teeth, and doing sit-ups and stretches while he lays in bed. OK. Got it.
And the most important portion of this four-page chapter is written in the last paragraph: "whenever you do have sex, always use a condom."
Got it.
Seriously??? Are these women for real?!
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