December's book club choice was "individual choice" with the option of participating in a book exchange (gift wrapped) at the January meeting. I chose The Postcard Killers by James Patteron and Liza Marklund. There's no hiding that I love the work of James Patterson, although I cannot keep up with his novels! I think he publishes one each month... sometimes more!
The Postcard Killers opens at the Louvre in Paris, France as the killers admire the portrait of Mona Lisa. They meet a nice couple on their honeymoon and invited them to dinner, and afterwards, to share champagne with them in their hotel room. It's no surprise that the newly married couple are killed.
Meanwhile New York police department detective Jacob Kanon is visiting Europe's most famous cities, trying to catch the killers before they murder anyone else... AND to get justice for his daughter. Kanon's daughter Kimmy and her boyfriend were murdered while vacationing in Rome. Since then, young couples throughout Europe have been murdered. The only thing connecting the murders is a postcard mailed to a local newspaper that precedes each new victim.
Kanon teams up with Swedish reporter Dessie Larsson to find the killers before the next couple meets the same fate as those in other cities. Of course an obligatory love story is weaved into the story...
Will they find the killers? Will justice be served? You won't know unless you pick up the book and start reading. Enjoy!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Book review: Room
November's book club choice was Room by Emma Donoghue. I LOVED this novel and I think it took me record time to complete the book; I could NOT put it down! At once point I literally could not read fast enough to find out what would happen! It was similar to sitting at the edge of your seat during an intense part of a movie!
Writing this review is difficult because I don't want to give anything away. Suffice it to say that the book is AMAZING!
The novel is unique because it's written by five-year-old Jack's perspective, and Room is his world. Jack was born in Room; it's where he eats, sleeps, and plays. He's a highly intelligent five-year-old with a great imagination, which is credit to his mother, known only as Ma, since Room has been her prison for seven years.
It's not Jack's mother's choice to live in the windowless 11-by-11-foot space; she was kidnapped and imprisoned in the room when she was nineteen years old. Her captor, Old Nick, brings the pair food and necessary items on Sundays, and occasionally "visits" Ma late at night while Jack sleeps in Wardrobe.
Ma tries to give Jack as normal of a life as she can. She teaches him songs, how to read, and makes up exercises to keep his muscles toned and healthy. They do have a television, but she limits their time watching it. Because Jack was born in Room, Ma tells him that things like trees, birds, animals, and cars exist "outside" which he believes to be another planet, or "outer space".
But soon after Jack’s fifth birthday, Ma realizes she can’t raise him in confinement forever and forms an awful, desperate plan for escape.
I can't say any more. You will not be disappointed in this novel. Enjoy!
Writing this review is difficult because I don't want to give anything away. Suffice it to say that the book is AMAZING!
The novel is unique because it's written by five-year-old Jack's perspective, and Room is his world. Jack was born in Room; it's where he eats, sleeps, and plays. He's a highly intelligent five-year-old with a great imagination, which is credit to his mother, known only as Ma, since Room has been her prison for seven years.
It's not Jack's mother's choice to live in the windowless 11-by-11-foot space; she was kidnapped and imprisoned in the room when she was nineteen years old. Her captor, Old Nick, brings the pair food and necessary items on Sundays, and occasionally "visits" Ma late at night while Jack sleeps in Wardrobe.
Ma tries to give Jack as normal of a life as she can. She teaches him songs, how to read, and makes up exercises to keep his muscles toned and healthy. They do have a television, but she limits their time watching it. Because Jack was born in Room, Ma tells him that things like trees, birds, animals, and cars exist "outside" which he believes to be another planet, or "outer space".
But soon after Jack’s fifth birthday, Ma realizes she can’t raise him in confinement forever and forms an awful, desperate plan for escape.
I can't say any more. You will not be disappointed in this novel. Enjoy!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Book review: The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane
I'm behind in my book club book reviews. My apologies! Where does the time go?
October's book selection was The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe. I "discovered" the book from a friend who posted its book trailer on Facebook (http://www.physickbook.com/trailer.html). The trailer made me want to IMMEDIATELY buy the book! I could not wait to sit down and read! I'm fascinated by the Salem Witch Trials and that period of time.
The book was interesting, and although the story line was realistic with regards to researching and writing a dissertation, I found myself bored at times. However, there were moments in the book when I could not put it down! The author also threw in an obligatory romance to spice things up, but it was very predictable...even for someone who doesn't read romance novels.
Similar in format to Sarah's Key, the novel moves back and forth between time periods. The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane moves from the summer of 1991 in Salem, Massachusetts, to the 17th-century witch trial era. It is in the 17th century era that the reader discovers that Connie has ties to the witch trials, and that's what kept me reading.
Harvard graduate Connie Goodwin planned to spend her summer doing research for her doctoral dissertation, but her mother asked her to handle the sale of Connie's grandmother's abandoned home near Salem. Reluctantly she agreed. The house is falling apart, has no electricity, and no phone; quite a change for Connie.
As she cleans up the house one room at a time, she discovers an ancient key hidden inside a seventeenth-century Bible. The key contains an obviously old piece of parchment paper with "Deliverance Dane" written on it. This discovery intrigues Connie and makes her want to find out who this woman was, AND find the physick book and its secret recipes.
I found the ending of the book predictable on two levels, but won't spoil it for you. All and all, I'd give the book a 5 out of 10.
October's book selection was The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe. I "discovered" the book from a friend who posted its book trailer on Facebook (http://www.physickbook.com/trailer.html). The trailer made me want to IMMEDIATELY buy the book! I could not wait to sit down and read! I'm fascinated by the Salem Witch Trials and that period of time.
The book was interesting, and although the story line was realistic with regards to researching and writing a dissertation, I found myself bored at times. However, there were moments in the book when I could not put it down! The author also threw in an obligatory romance to spice things up, but it was very predictable...even for someone who doesn't read romance novels.
Similar in format to Sarah's Key, the novel moves back and forth between time periods. The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane moves from the summer of 1991 in Salem, Massachusetts, to the 17th-century witch trial era. It is in the 17th century era that the reader discovers that Connie has ties to the witch trials, and that's what kept me reading.
Harvard graduate Connie Goodwin planned to spend her summer doing research for her doctoral dissertation, but her mother asked her to handle the sale of Connie's grandmother's abandoned home near Salem. Reluctantly she agreed. The house is falling apart, has no electricity, and no phone; quite a change for Connie.
As she cleans up the house one room at a time, she discovers an ancient key hidden inside a seventeenth-century Bible. The key contains an obviously old piece of parchment paper with "Deliverance Dane" written on it. This discovery intrigues Connie and makes her want to find out who this woman was, AND find the physick book and its secret recipes.
I found the ending of the book predictable on two levels, but won't spoil it for you. All and all, I'd give the book a 5 out of 10.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Book review: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
September's book club selection was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. I've heard nothing but good things about the trilogy novels so I was naturally excited to read the first book.
I was immediately drawn into the mystery of who was sending a framed dried flower annually...for decades to the rich Henrik Vanger. But then I got bored.
Without giving anything away, I figured out early on that the mystery wasn't what it appeared. One of the main characters, Mikael Blomkvist, was a financial journalist who stepped down from his magazine because he was sued for libel (and would go to jail). In another part of the city, a loner and goth-like Lisbeth Salander works as a kind of private investigator with an amazing ability to hack in to any computer without notice, regardless of security walls. She is hired to dig up information on said journalist.
Meanwhile Henrik Vanger contacts Mikael and offers him a one-year "job" to write the Vanger family history (HOOK), but there's a secret twist: Mikael will really be trying to discover what happened to his great-niece before he dies (LINE). Mikael only agrees to take the job because after the one year, Vanger promised to give him tangible information on the person with whom he libeled -- which will prove that the man really is a criminal (SINKER).
Mikael ends up working with Lisbeth and the two gradually uncover clues and piece things together to discover corruption in the Vanger family. Throughout the book, the reader learns more about the mysterious Lisbeth and gives us a glimpse into why she is the way she is.
Before I go on, I should say that I am not into drawn-out detailed novels unless the details have meaning. I was bored fairly quickly because nothing really happened in the first 100+ pages of the 590 page book. I almost went insane. Seriously, nothing happened. Blah blah blah. As a result, it took me forever to get into the book--and at page 460 or so the story started to get really good.
As far as I'm concerened, the book could have ended 100 pages before it did. The author describes every detail about everything. It's almost like he wrote a screen play instead of a novel. However, all and all, it was a good book, minus the details. *wink*
I swore I wouldn't read the rest of the trilogy, but I read the prologue of The Girl who Played with Fire and was sucked into the story, so we'll see. *wink*
I was immediately drawn into the mystery of who was sending a framed dried flower annually...for decades to the rich Henrik Vanger. But then I got bored.
Without giving anything away, I figured out early on that the mystery wasn't what it appeared. One of the main characters, Mikael Blomkvist, was a financial journalist who stepped down from his magazine because he was sued for libel (and would go to jail). In another part of the city, a loner and goth-like Lisbeth Salander works as a kind of private investigator with an amazing ability to hack in to any computer without notice, regardless of security walls. She is hired to dig up information on said journalist.
Meanwhile Henrik Vanger contacts Mikael and offers him a one-year "job" to write the Vanger family history (HOOK), but there's a secret twist: Mikael will really be trying to discover what happened to his great-niece before he dies (LINE). Mikael only agrees to take the job because after the one year, Vanger promised to give him tangible information on the person with whom he libeled -- which will prove that the man really is a criminal (SINKER).
Mikael ends up working with Lisbeth and the two gradually uncover clues and piece things together to discover corruption in the Vanger family. Throughout the book, the reader learns more about the mysterious Lisbeth and gives us a glimpse into why she is the way she is.
Before I go on, I should say that I am not into drawn-out detailed novels unless the details have meaning. I was bored fairly quickly because nothing really happened in the first 100+ pages of the 590 page book. I almost went insane. Seriously, nothing happened. Blah blah blah. As a result, it took me forever to get into the book--and at page 460 or so the story started to get really good.
As far as I'm concerened, the book could have ended 100 pages before it did. The author describes every detail about everything. It's almost like he wrote a screen play instead of a novel. However, all and all, it was a good book, minus the details. *wink*
I swore I wouldn't read the rest of the trilogy, but I read the prologue of The Girl who Played with Fire and was sucked into the story, so we'll see. *wink*
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My new dating rules...
OK, my dating techniques haven't worked so far, and since a recent Yahoo article* titled "10 signs your date isn’t The One" makes sense, I'm going to follow it... AND add my own rules! Some of the rules might be obvious, but let me tell you, I've had quite a few losers in my life and it needs to change!
My next man will...
#1 - have friends
#2 - his own life, hobbies, and interests
#3 - respect & understand that I need alone time. Alone time doesn't mean that I'm mad at you or don't like/love you... it simply means I want to be alone.
#4 - have a job and be financially secure. I'm not looking for wealth or to be "taken care of" financially, but if you can't pay your rent/mortgage, forget it.
#5 - have a car. I know I may get flack from this, but too bad. Busses do not come out to my house and I prefer not to be a taxi service. I understand that things happen and vehicles break down (been there too many times), but in general a vehicle is a must.
#6 - live within 30 minutes of my house/work.
#7 - realize that just because I am female does not mean that I will clean the house, do laundry, cook, pack lunches, pay the bills, and cater to your every whim. Men are capable of these things too! We will equally share the responsibility of house-hold chores.
And from the *article's list:
1. Your date is devoted to another.
I do not want a mama's boy. Obviously he loves his mother, but he has a mind of his own and makes his own decisions.
2. Your spending habits don’t match.
See number four above. I don't want to worry about credit card debt; I want to have a savings for trips; I do not need to go out for dinner all the time, nor do I want to eat Ramon noodles every night. I'd like a healthy balance.
3. Your politics are too different.
I would be classified as a democrat. Although I don't think the following things are necessarily "political," they always bring up heated discussions so it's important to mention. I love the earth and I want people to treat her kindly and with love. We (Americans) pollute & trash the earth like it will be around forever; we waste energy and natural resources without care. It needs to stop. I am an advocate for recycling and social justice/human rights. Ask anyone who has dared use Styrofoam in my presence or threw a pop can/bottle or a pile of paper into the trash. Basically if you don't recycle or appreciate other cultures (ethnic or otherwise), we won't last. I am very passionate about many issues and I communicate that passion. I am not perfect in my beliefs, but I try and expect the same in my partner.
4. Your sweetie just doesn’t get your jokes.
I do not appreciate what I call "stupid" humor. I do not think the movie Dumb and Dumber is funny. I do not like Jeff Foxworthy or other blue collar comedy. I'm not saying that none of the jokes are funny, but generally speaking, I do not like "stupid" humor.
5. Your love interest isn’t ready.
I sometimes wonder if this is me... but that's another blog topic! ;)
6. Your honey wants kids and you don’t (or vice versa).
I'm upfront about this with everyone. I do not want children, nor do I want to be a mother to your child/ren. Don't get me wrong, I like children and I love my friends' children. I don't want to raise children or be around them 24/7. If you have children and are involved in their life, I think that's terrific! More fathers need to be like you. BUT children are not for me.
7. Your tastes are too different.
If you enjoy camping in tents, cooking over a fire, and using the great outdoors as your bathroom, that's not something I wish to experience again. I don't want to stay in high-end hotels when I travel, but I don't want to sleep where little creatures roam. In Europe, I like small hotels and mom-&-pop places over the American hotels.
If your idea of a perfect home includes lots of farmland and chickens, that's not who I am. I know where meat comes from, but I do not want to see it running around in my yard.
I prefer to live close to work and not have to deal with sitting in traffic. I like the suburbs where it's quieter, but still close enough to 24/7 grocery stores and evening activities should I decide to do something fun.
8. Your lifestyles clash.
I think #7 sums up this as well.
9. Your first connection fizzles.
Makes sense. LOL
And finally, I'll let #10 speak for itself:
10. Your relationship has you on edge. “I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. “When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.”
* http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=8582&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=692725
My next man will...
#1 - have friends
#2 - his own life, hobbies, and interests
#3 - respect & understand that I need alone time. Alone time doesn't mean that I'm mad at you or don't like/love you... it simply means I want to be alone.
#4 - have a job and be financially secure. I'm not looking for wealth or to be "taken care of" financially, but if you can't pay your rent/mortgage, forget it.
#5 - have a car. I know I may get flack from this, but too bad. Busses do not come out to my house and I prefer not to be a taxi service. I understand that things happen and vehicles break down (been there too many times), but in general a vehicle is a must.
#6 - live within 30 minutes of my house/work.
#7 - realize that just because I am female does not mean that I will clean the house, do laundry, cook, pack lunches, pay the bills, and cater to your every whim. Men are capable of these things too! We will equally share the responsibility of house-hold chores.
And from the *article's list:
1. Your date is devoted to another.
I do not want a mama's boy. Obviously he loves his mother, but he has a mind of his own and makes his own decisions.
2. Your spending habits don’t match.
See number four above. I don't want to worry about credit card debt; I want to have a savings for trips; I do not need to go out for dinner all the time, nor do I want to eat Ramon noodles every night. I'd like a healthy balance.
3. Your politics are too different.
I would be classified as a democrat. Although I don't think the following things are necessarily "political," they always bring up heated discussions so it's important to mention. I love the earth and I want people to treat her kindly and with love. We (Americans) pollute & trash the earth like it will be around forever; we waste energy and natural resources without care. It needs to stop. I am an advocate for recycling and social justice/human rights. Ask anyone who has dared use Styrofoam in my presence or threw a pop can/bottle or a pile of paper into the trash. Basically if you don't recycle or appreciate other cultures (ethnic or otherwise), we won't last. I am very passionate about many issues and I communicate that passion. I am not perfect in my beliefs, but I try and expect the same in my partner.
4. Your sweetie just doesn’t get your jokes.
I do not appreciate what I call "stupid" humor. I do not think the movie Dumb and Dumber is funny. I do not like Jeff Foxworthy or other blue collar comedy. I'm not saying that none of the jokes are funny, but generally speaking, I do not like "stupid" humor.
5. Your love interest isn’t ready.
I sometimes wonder if this is me... but that's another blog topic! ;)
6. Your honey wants kids and you don’t (or vice versa).
I'm upfront about this with everyone. I do not want children, nor do I want to be a mother to your child/ren. Don't get me wrong, I like children and I love my friends' children. I don't want to raise children or be around them 24/7. If you have children and are involved in their life, I think that's terrific! More fathers need to be like you. BUT children are not for me.
7. Your tastes are too different.
If you enjoy camping in tents, cooking over a fire, and using the great outdoors as your bathroom, that's not something I wish to experience again. I don't want to stay in high-end hotels when I travel, but I don't want to sleep where little creatures roam. In Europe, I like small hotels and mom-&-pop places over the American hotels.
If your idea of a perfect home includes lots of farmland and chickens, that's not who I am. I know where meat comes from, but I do not want to see it running around in my yard.
I prefer to live close to work and not have to deal with sitting in traffic. I like the suburbs where it's quieter, but still close enough to 24/7 grocery stores and evening activities should I decide to do something fun.
8. Your lifestyles clash.
I think #7 sums up this as well.
9. Your first connection fizzles.
Makes sense. LOL
And finally, I'll let #10 speak for itself:
10. Your relationship has you on edge. “I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. “When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.”
* http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=8582&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=692725
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Finding Myself, part 3
Finding Myself, part 3
The ACA "red book" says that as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, we have great difficulty accepting love. This isn't a shaming statement or a prediction of doom. As children and teens we were not given a true or consistent example of love. So how can we recognize it as adults? I struggle with this a lot, and to be clear, I'm referring to ALL types of love. I constantly wonder why people would bother to love me. What's lovable about ME? I can easily and very quickly name 100 things that are wrong with me. But can I name even half that number of things I not only like, but LOVE about myself. I doubt it.
The "love" I learned from my parents was really codependency. Codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the co-dependent or Adult Child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth. Wow. This completely describes me! I'd much rather focus on other people, help them with their problems, listen to their stories than work on myself. The book further says, "A codependent focuses on other and their problems to such an extent that the codependent's life is often adversely affected. In addition to emotional suffering, codependents can suffer from serious or chronic physical illnesses" (i.e. stomach problems, severe headaches, insomnia). I often have migraines and I could sleep all day long if I didn't feel guilty for not doing anything!
By attending ACA meetings "we realize we could not have reacted another way given our dysfunctional upbringing. As children we focused on the odd or neglectful nature of our parent's behavior. We mistakenly thought we caused their moods or attitudes or could do something to change circumstances." (pg 7)
I remember *that* clearly. As I've said before, I didn't know my father was an alcoholic until I was in college. He didn't slur his words or stumble around the house drunk like you see in the movies. Regardless, I was afraid of him yelling at me for anything. I was always extra quiet when he was home. If I walked into the house after an exciting day with my friends and I forgot to come into the house quietly, I was greeted with, "Here comes 'big mouth,' there won't be peace around HERE anymore!" As a child of an alcoholic I took responsibility for my father's feelings and poor behavior. If only I wasn't so loud... If only I stayed outside longer... If only I came home earlier... If only I was a better daughter... If only...
By living this way (as many ACA do) I developed a dependent false self that constantly sought outward affection, recognition, and praise, but secretly believed I didn't deserve it. Unfortunately not much has changed for me in this regard. I'm working on it, but I am finding it difficult. When you're called names throughout your childhood, by a parent no less, how do you let that go? When you're told something enough, you believe it... The answer is to replace those hurtful words from a sick man with positive words. Sadly, that's more difficult than I thought it would be. For 40 years I've had Negative Nelly in my head and she's quite comfortable; she's familiar with the territory.
The book also says that, "Many adult children arrive at their adult years with an over-developed sense of responsibility, which they communicate as love or nurturing care. This behavior is a disguise to get the love we never received as children. Before recovery, many adult children had relationships in which they thought they were in love with another person. In reality, they were trapping or manipulating that person to extract affection. This behavior creates the response we fear the most -- abandonment." (pg 7)
On Friday night my friends and I were discussing a male friend I've been talking to, and one of them said something like, "[He] adores you! And it's not that he just wants to sleep with you because if it was, he wouldn't still be around. You need to accept that he adores you and let him. Stop trying to control the situation by denying that he adores you. Unless you let go, become vulnerable to getting hurt, be vulnerable to [him], you won't know what it feels like to be adored. You are closing yourself off to a wonderful experience." Intellectually I know she is right, but it was confirmed on a deeper level--my soul knew she was right--because tears filled my eyes.
I can't lose control.
I can't let go.
I don't know how to let go.
I'm afraid to let go.
What's going to happen if I let go?
What if I fall...
What if I fail...
What if I never recover...
My world is filled with "what if's..."
Intellectually I know that I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment. I know I will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings. I know that this illusion of being in control is not effective. And yes, I am aware that this stems from what I received as a child from living with a sick father who was not there for me emotionally. I KNOW these things. But knowing and FEELING are not the same thing. How do I let go? I hear people say, "Let go and let God," but I don't know HOW to do that. I believe in God. I believe in a loving God. I pray. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes, just learning opportunities. BUT... how do you turn your will and your life over to the care of God? *That* is my question for you.
(As stated, some portions of this blog were borrowed from the Adult Children of Alcoholics "red book")
The ACA "red book" says that as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, we have great difficulty accepting love. This isn't a shaming statement or a prediction of doom. As children and teens we were not given a true or consistent example of love. So how can we recognize it as adults? I struggle with this a lot, and to be clear, I'm referring to ALL types of love. I constantly wonder why people would bother to love me. What's lovable about ME? I can easily and very quickly name 100 things that are wrong with me. But can I name even half that number of things I not only like, but LOVE about myself. I doubt it.
The "love" I learned from my parents was really codependency. Codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the co-dependent or Adult Child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth. Wow. This completely describes me! I'd much rather focus on other people, help them with their problems, listen to their stories than work on myself. The book further says, "A codependent focuses on other and their problems to such an extent that the codependent's life is often adversely affected. In addition to emotional suffering, codependents can suffer from serious or chronic physical illnesses" (i.e. stomach problems, severe headaches, insomnia). I often have migraines and I could sleep all day long if I didn't feel guilty for not doing anything!
By attending ACA meetings "we realize we could not have reacted another way given our dysfunctional upbringing. As children we focused on the odd or neglectful nature of our parent's behavior. We mistakenly thought we caused their moods or attitudes or could do something to change circumstances." (pg 7)
I remember *that* clearly. As I've said before, I didn't know my father was an alcoholic until I was in college. He didn't slur his words or stumble around the house drunk like you see in the movies. Regardless, I was afraid of him yelling at me for anything. I was always extra quiet when he was home. If I walked into the house after an exciting day with my friends and I forgot to come into the house quietly, I was greeted with, "Here comes 'big mouth,' there won't be peace around HERE anymore!" As a child of an alcoholic I took responsibility for my father's feelings and poor behavior. If only I wasn't so loud... If only I stayed outside longer... If only I came home earlier... If only I was a better daughter... If only...
By living this way (as many ACA do) I developed a dependent false self that constantly sought outward affection, recognition, and praise, but secretly believed I didn't deserve it. Unfortunately not much has changed for me in this regard. I'm working on it, but I am finding it difficult. When you're called names throughout your childhood, by a parent no less, how do you let that go? When you're told something enough, you believe it... The answer is to replace those hurtful words from a sick man with positive words. Sadly, that's more difficult than I thought it would be. For 40 years I've had Negative Nelly in my head and she's quite comfortable; she's familiar with the territory.
The book also says that, "Many adult children arrive at their adult years with an over-developed sense of responsibility, which they communicate as love or nurturing care. This behavior is a disguise to get the love we never received as children. Before recovery, many adult children had relationships in which they thought they were in love with another person. In reality, they were trapping or manipulating that person to extract affection. This behavior creates the response we fear the most -- abandonment." (pg 7)
On Friday night my friends and I were discussing a male friend I've been talking to, and one of them said something like, "[He] adores you! And it's not that he just wants to sleep with you because if it was, he wouldn't still be around. You need to accept that he adores you and let him. Stop trying to control the situation by denying that he adores you. Unless you let go, become vulnerable to getting hurt, be vulnerable to [him], you won't know what it feels like to be adored. You are closing yourself off to a wonderful experience." Intellectually I know she is right, but it was confirmed on a deeper level--my soul knew she was right--because tears filled my eyes.
I can't lose control.
I can't let go.
I don't know how to let go.
I'm afraid to let go.
What's going to happen if I let go?
What if I fall...
What if I fail...
What if I never recover...
My world is filled with "what if's..."
Intellectually I know that I am a dependent personality who is terrified of abandonment. I know I will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings. I know that this illusion of being in control is not effective. And yes, I am aware that this stems from what I received as a child from living with a sick father who was not there for me emotionally. I KNOW these things. But knowing and FEELING are not the same thing. How do I let go? I hear people say, "Let go and let God," but I don't know HOW to do that. I believe in God. I believe in a loving God. I pray. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes, just learning opportunities. BUT... how do you turn your will and your life over to the care of God? *That* is my question for you.
(As stated, some portions of this blog were borrowed from the Adult Children of Alcoholics "red book")
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The Rules, part 4
Rule #19: Don't open up too fast.
"Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, beinging up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem--all in an attempt to bind with this new man."
Again the authors assume every woman reading this book has been in therapy, that therapy "conditions" women, and that all women read self-help books. Wow. Really?
The authors say that at the end of the first date, he should know your name, profession, how many siblings you have, where you went to college, where you grew up, and your favorite restaurant. The next sentence reads, "Don't reprimand him for picking you up thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and explain that "abandonment" is one of your issues in therapy."
WHAT?! OK first, he shows up THIRTY MINUTES LATE and you STILL go out with him? There should be a rule about THAT! Where's *that* rule in the book?! Second, WHO in their right mind then tells her date that she felt *abandoned* by his extreme tardiness? Seriously?!!
They go on to write, "No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you." Later when things get serious you're supposed to tell him casually and slowly. "Don't be burdensome," they add. "Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, "No. I never drink. I hot a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA." Just say, "No, thanks," and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him..."
Seriously? If you're a recovering alcoholic and are in AA, why not tell him you don't drink? What if he gets the bottle of wine regardless? Come on, people. So you're going to NOT say something in case what, he runs away? I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink and it has never been an issue. If he asks to meet me for a drink, I will, and I'll order a Mountain Dew or a Shirley Temple. No problem. I don't drink coffee either, but if I'm asked on a coffee date, do I grand stand and say I don't drink coffee? No. Order something else for crying out loud.
The authors do say that you shouldn't hide or lie about bad things in your life, and they add, by the time you are engaged, he should know allthat really matters about you and your family and your past. "It is morally wrong to accpet an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share." (pg 94)
Wow. I'm trying to keep all 19 rules in my head right now. Let's see... on the first three dates you don't look at him; the fourth you tell him a little bit about yourself; you're an alcoholic but you don't tell him that becuase he might not understand or he'll say, "just have one"; and you should sleep with him within two months (unless you're an 18-year old virgin, of course), but if you don't plan on sleeping with him within two months you should let him know, and now you should remain "mysterious" on your dates and don't tell him too much about yourself, as you are *conditioned* to do from your therapist, which obviously you are seeing. OK. Can't wait to read Rule #20.
"Conditioned by therapy and self-help books to tell all, women tend to overdo it on first dates, beinging up past relationships, their hurts and fears, their alcohol or drug problem--all in an attempt to bind with this new man."
Again the authors assume every woman reading this book has been in therapy, that therapy "conditions" women, and that all women read self-help books. Wow. Really?
The authors say that at the end of the first date, he should know your name, profession, how many siblings you have, where you went to college, where you grew up, and your favorite restaurant. The next sentence reads, "Don't reprimand him for picking you up thirty minutes late and then tell him you were afraid he would never show up, that you felt abandoned, and explain that "abandonment" is one of your issues in therapy."
WHAT?! OK first, he shows up THIRTY MINUTES LATE and you STILL go out with him? There should be a rule about THAT! Where's *that* rule in the book?! Second, WHO in their right mind then tells her date that she felt *abandoned* by his extreme tardiness? Seriously?!!
They go on to write, "No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you." Later when things get serious you're supposed to tell him casually and slowly. "Don't be burdensome," they add. "Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic. He takes you out for a drink on your first date and to dinner on the second. He notices you only ordered club soda both times. He is about to order a bottle of wine and wants to know if you'll join him. Don't say, "No. I never drink. I hot a terrible bottom with drugs and alcohol two years ago and now I'm sober in AA." Just say, "No, thanks," and smile. After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him..."
Seriously? If you're a recovering alcoholic and are in AA, why not tell him you don't drink? What if he gets the bottle of wine regardless? Come on, people. So you're going to NOT say something in case what, he runs away? I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink and it has never been an issue. If he asks to meet me for a drink, I will, and I'll order a Mountain Dew or a Shirley Temple. No problem. I don't drink coffee either, but if I'm asked on a coffee date, do I grand stand and say I don't drink coffee? No. Order something else for crying out loud.
The authors do say that you shouldn't hide or lie about bad things in your life, and they add, by the time you are engaged, he should know allthat really matters about you and your family and your past. "It is morally wrong to accpet an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share." (pg 94)
Wow. I'm trying to keep all 19 rules in my head right now. Let's see... on the first three dates you don't look at him; the fourth you tell him a little bit about yourself; you're an alcoholic but you don't tell him that becuase he might not understand or he'll say, "just have one"; and you should sleep with him within two months (unless you're an 18-year old virgin, of course), but if you don't plan on sleeping with him within two months you should let him know, and now you should remain "mysterious" on your dates and don't tell him too much about yourself, as you are *conditioned* to do from your therapist, which obviously you are seeing. OK. Can't wait to read Rule #20.
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